 "May 30, 1995 4:02am Tuesday And so I begin to keep a record daily of my life. I turned 31 years old 2 days ago. I spent the day sleeping as I do most days. I can't sleep at night no matter how I try. I was taking Benedryl every night to help, but I stopped that 4 or 5 days ago. I think it helped me fall asleep a little earlier and sleep better. Now when I do sleep, I awake every 2-3 hours and it takes at least 1 hr. to fall back asleep. I'm hoping this will improve. This has been a problem since December when I became severely depressed. Ny mood has lifted a little since mid-April, but remains dark. Tomorrow (today) I see Dr. DeRouen at 1:30pm. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes 2 weeks ago and have spent the past week following (trying to) a diet prescribed by a dietician at CollegeTown General Hospital. Tomorrow I will find out if my blood sugar has come down or remained high. I may need insulin. I have been nauseated frequently and when not nauseated, I'm just not hungry. I can't eat even half of what she recommends. I take my One-A-Day with iron and calcium daily, though. I've also been mildly hypertensive for months, losing protien (in my urine) and retaining small amounts of fluid in my legs on occasion. Today I got up shortly after 3:00pm. Took a shower (feels great). Went to -- to pick up some Chinese for the kids and I. $30.00 worth. I ate a lot. It didn't taste all that good. This was my favorite food for the past few years. Nothing tastes very good lately. These few things I did represent more than my usual amount of activity, as will become evident in the days to follow. There is much to discuss, but it can be told over a period of days. I'm going to lay in y bed and read until I fall asleep."
A Woman Alone
November 07, 2003
8:01 p.m.
Have you ever been awakened by your own yelling? That's how I woke up during the night. A Shadow Guy was by the bed. It's weird sharing my dreams, it's like sharing a part that I'm not in control of, makes me feel even more vulnerable than I already do! I'm still having little energy and I'm still very sleepy all day. I need to go get my medicines, I'm out of two of them. Actually, since it's Friday night, I can't get them until Monday at the earliest. I am looking forward to getting my Dr. Phil book and starting. After a few days of thought, I am pretty determined to do it with or without my sister. I find that I often have to think about things for days to decide how I really feel about them. Do you ever do that?
A Woman Alone
November 07, 2003
6:59 p.m.
I wrote to my sister to tell her about the Dr. Phil books, and my plan that we would go through them together. She wrote back all excited and happy and willing to play along. I figured that she would. I hope she really means it because it's going to be hard.I called on Monday for another appointment with Dr. Dayton (remember I didn't go last week because I was sleeping and having migraines; also, see my new who's who feature) and asked his secretary to see about getting me some meds because I only had enough to last until my next appt. She called today and said she has them ready. Since it's a 63 mile one way drive, I wonder if I'll go get them at all. *sigh* My next appointment with him is November 28. It's so damn hot! It feels almost like summer. I'm tired today. And really not much in the mood to talk at all. I've been thinking about the universe (see my entry called "Geeeeez"). Just the universe as we know it, without even considering the possibility of other dimensions, is mind boggling. And it makes me wonder about God. I do believe in God, and I do have lots of quetions as to what it's all about. But believing in God leads one to believe that we, humanity, are the most important things. God loves us, created us in His image, etc... God being the all powerful creator of "heaven and earth." So the all powerful creator made us in His image, sent His only son to save us, etc... That makes us pretty important, right? So why would He create the entire universe? What has it to do with us? Is it all just so we have something to study? Is there any purpose for all the dead space? Everything in the universe, as far as we know, is dead except for life on this one planet. So the universe is so beautiful and amazing, but there is no mind there to experience it, it's all dead. What's the point of a dead rock, with beautiful but dead gases surrounding it, with amazing but dead other rocks in orbit around it, with awesome but dead hot, bright stars illuminating everything? Does any of this require a consciousness to experience it to make it valid and worthwhile? This planet is nothing but a small speck of dust in the universe, and each of us are but a small speck on the face of the earth. Is it all about us?? Or is there lots of other life, but we just don't know about it?? Or is it that we are entirely coincidental?? And the whole universe does exist just because it exists and nothing more? These thoughts are floating around in my head. I would love to hear what you all think about the subject. I welcome any opinions- as long as you are respectful to me and anyone else who responds! If you're not, I will delete your comment. Otherwise, I will leave any comments.
A Woman Alone
November 05, 2003
4:11 p.m.
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Dr. Phil, Letterman, Pizza
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Well, I am currently finishing up the end of the candy I bought this morning. I also bought pizza, it's two for the price of one at Domino's on Tuesday. They didn't add the pineapples I ordered. I only ate a few pieces. I'll probably be eating it for the next 3 days.Strange as it sounds, this is a symptom of the fact that I fully intend to do this Dr. Phil thing. This is my pre-beginning rebellion. I feel pretty bad about what I ate today :( But I don't dwell on these things. ~David Letterman's on TV right now. He's announcing his first child was born last night. Harry Joseph Letterman~ I am contemplating taking out that first diary and reading and coming up with my first entry on that part of my story. Scary. Don't know why I'm planning to do this. But maybe I think it's time for a change, because here I am planning to dig through those horrible times, and planning to dig into why I'm so big with Dr. Phil. And both at the same time. And I'm letting you all see into my dreams! I must be nuts.
A Woman Alone
November 04, 2003
10:50 p.m.
Often, when I hear about a quick death, I'm jealous. Especially if it's someone relatively young. Why do they get to die while I have to live?
A Woman Alone
November 04, 2003
10:31 a.m.
Ok well, today I feel dumb for thinking about going through the book and exercising and doing anything that could make me healthier. I don't want to be healthier because then I will live longer. I don't want to live longer.
This is why even when I feel good I can't make any plans- it never lasts.
But I haven't entirely given up, yet. I will do my best and see what happens. I find that I want to help my sister. I don't do much of anything usually, and I can't work and earn a living, and it makes a person feel useless. To be able to help someone gives some reason for being alive. But I'm not exactly squirming for a reason to live, either.
I have been craving chewy candy, so this morning I went and bought some Starburst and Tootsie rolls. Bad for my health- just what I need :)
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Tonight on PBS, Nova, is part three of "The Elegant Universe." I watched parts one and two last Tuesday. This show talks about the "string theory" which supposedly explains the laws of the universe. We live in a 4 dimensional world- three physical dimensions and time. The string theory requires at least 10 dimensions. HUH? My little brain can't imagine any other dimensions besides the ones I'm familiar with.
They say that on a large scale, the universe is very orderly, but on a very small scale, it's very unpredictable and wild. That's why current theories don't explain everything. Can you imagine that the little molecules that make up your computer are really jumping around chaotically? That's what they say is true. It's interesting.
A Woman Alone
November 04, 2003
10:03 a.m.
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my stuff
