A Woman Alone

I don't usually remember my dreams, and when I do, they fade very very quickly. I put my real journal next to my bed so I can write one down immediately if I remember it.

Today I remembered one! I'm excited because after I entered it into my dream journal, and read some of the analysis data, I thought it was pretty accurate! Which is unusual for me, seems like dream analysis is usually hogwash.

I don't know what good it will do me to analyze and follow my dreams, and I may quit after a time, but for now it's something new and interesting to investigate.

This site helps you analyze the dreams, keeps track of how often certain elements show up, lets others comment on your dreams, etc... It's pretty cool.

View my Dream Jounal
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I'm also kind of excited because last night (or at three this morning to be correct) I purchased two copies of Dr. Phil's new weight loss book on Amazon.com. One for me and one for my sister.

My sister is even bigger than I am, and I have 100lbs to lose. I also have diabetes, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, no energy. All things that can be greatly improved with exercise. But I don't exercise regularly because I'm just not motivated, and when you are in bad physical condition, exercise is uncomfortable! And since I basically wish I would die already, there's really no reason for me to knock myself out about it. Plus, I'm not concerned with my size, but I would like to have more energy.

OK, well, my sister is like many large women- she is daily beating herself up over her size. Constantly. Yet she doesn't stick to any plan to correct the situation. Yesterday I found out that she has just been diagnosed with diabetes and high cholesterol (which I knew would be the result of the tests she had taken). She is all upset and scared and wants to live to raise her daughter, etc.. I'm talking to her trying to calm her down and telling her what I know (I was an RN, remember?).

Talking to her about it does motivate me somewhat to do something about myself. "Practice what you preach!" Although I readily admit that I choose not to work on it, and you won't hear me complaining about my size because I don't care. So that's as valid an option as any other.

But talking to her got me somewhat motivated, like I said. So I decided to go ahead and buy each of us a copy of this book. If you're not a Dr. Phil fan, you should be! He gives the straight talk and cuts through the bullshit. There is a reason my sister won't take care of herself, a psychological reason. She's miserable, but won't correct the problem. She needs to get to the bottom of the problem to fix it, not go on a freakin' unhealthy diet. While I think I understand my own issues way better than she understands hers, I of course, have issues too. How much is this depression making me wish I were dead (which I feel I can't do much about except to be aware that it's bogus thoughts related to an illness), and how much is the real me being unconcerned for my own health (which I do have the power to change)?

So I bought the books. I don't usually spend much money because I'm poor! But this will be worth it, and anyway, they were not very expensive.

This is what I'm going to do, but she doesn't know any of this yet. I'm going to make us a website on msn groups and we are going to go through this book page by page TOGETHER! The whole book, no excuses, everything dr phil says to do. By the way, we communicate over the computer, she lives 3hours away from me. When I get the books, I am going to bring her hers so I can take a "before" picture of her. She doesn't have a camera.

I already started on the website, 'cause I love messing around with the internet. I really believe that having someone to be accountable to is going to help push me more to get out and exercise every day. I wish I had someone here to walk with, that would go a long way towards getting me to go every day, but this will be the next best thing. Being a woman, I feel responsible for the other person! Like I have to go walk for them because I promised. Where if it's only me, I can screw me over, no problem. So she's going to motivate me and I'm going to motivate her. And maybe something large and positive will start moving in my life. Or I might give up. Geeez I hope I don't, but that would be just like me. If she didn't stick with it, that would undoubtedly blow my resolve. So we will have to do it for each other.

Like I have already mentioned, every little now and then I get the idea that maybe I have some good years coming. I certainly "deserve" some good years, although I don't really believe anyone "deserves" anything good- there are no promises or guarantees that suffering brings about any subsequent good that you have "earned." But it's possible, isn't it? Thirty-nine isn't that old. Basically, I don't want to continue like this, and having little power over the depression, I am able to end my life but don't have the power to fix it. This is why depressed people kill themselves- they don't want to go on like they are and their only power seems to be in the negative direction. Believe me, they have tried their best to fight the depression before coming to this conclusion. You can't beat it and you can't take it anymore, what options are there? My current, and usual, state is not so miserable that I'm suicidal, but I had that miserable time the other evening and night. When that persists, it's so so painful and miserable. So I just eat what I want to and don't exercise and don't want to kill myself for fear of God, but don't feel any need to help myself live any longer than necessary, either.

My emotions go like this: FLIP FLOP FLIP FLOP. Today I'm excited at the possibility, tomorrow, who knows?

A Woman Alone
November 03, 2003
3:39 p.m.

Dead Soldiers

My head hurts once again. I didn't sleep worth a damn last night because of the half dose of Seroquel. I even got up and took some benedryl, but I couldn't stay asleep for any length of time.

A bunch of more American soldiers were killed today in Iraq. I totally blame George Bush. I think he lied and suggested things as if they were true in order to get support for this war, which I believe he wanted for personal reasons. Long before the war, when he started talking about Iraq, I felt it was bullshit, and he's just confirmed my opinion ever since. First, he was talking about getting Osama Bin Laden for blowing up the WTC, but then, out of nowhere, he started talking about Saddam Hussein as if HE were Bin Laden. Swinging the public's outrage over the WTC into support for his war.

None of his excuses for the war make sense, and they never did. Humanitarian? There are plenty of places that need our humanitarian help, why aren't we helping them? Threat to US? There are other, more threatening people to the US, why aren't we going after them? Doesn't matter what is his excuse du jour, it doesn't make sense because there is someone else who would deserve that attention more than Saddam did, or at least equally as much, but they are not getting our attention. Why is that?? Because our buddy GW was after Saddam for personal reasons, that's why.

It pisses me off that the American worker, who is trying so hard to support a family in this crappy economy, has to pay the bill for this war, and for the cleanup. Iraq is a rich country, but GW won't take their money- that might not look right. No, Ameericans need to pay for it. Of course, his estimations of cost were, and are, nowhere near actual cost.

Why do American companies have to be paid to take their business around the world to clean up GW's mess? Is there nobody closer to the region who could do some of this work?? Maybe for less money than sending American countries over there?? It's bullshit. All bullshit.

And who's children are dying? That's right, the same people who have to pay for GW's war have to lose their own children to the effort. Where are GW's children? Well, if you don't know, they are drinking and drugging in and around Washington DC, even tho they are not yet of legal drinking age. Sometimes they make the news. Wonder if they've ever spent a night in jail?

I dare GW to go to Iraq and hang around wearing an American Army uniform. My guess is he's way too scared to do that, but that's what the nation's children have to do every day.

And what the heck did he think was going to happen after his war?? Why was he so unprepared? What exactly was so surprising that he couldn't have forseen and made some reasonable plans?

I don't want him to pull out of Iraq now. How can you go and destroy a country and then say "oooops, gotta go?" But isn't there any way to make our soldiers more secure? To get at the people who are killing them?

It's just embarassing the way he asked the UN for help not too long ago. "We went to war even tho you told us not to, we have no respect for your opinion because we are right and you are wrong. But now that we have made a big ugly mess against your better judgement, will you please come and help clean it up? We'll need lots of money and young people to put their lives on the line." I don't see how they could refuse such an offer (not).

Even though it's not exactly related, I still don't understand how he could win the election when the majority of Americans voted for Gore. It really shakes my faith in elections. Why go vote? Obviously it means nothing. All the commercials trying to encourage people to vote, "every vote counts," how can every vote count if someone can win without the majority vote?? Seems rather obvious that every vote does not count at all. Only certain votes count, of which mine is not one.

Not surprisingly, my head still hurts. Damn. Sometimes I really wish I would feel good, and get out of the house and have fun or just enjoy this beautiful weather. Almost every year, the spring and fall weather have me outside and feeling great, but not this year.

A Woman Alone
November 02, 2003
6:11 p.m.

Raising Children and Working

Different subject, different entry, same day...

I left off my story of me with "Mr. Wonderful," after deciding I wasn't going to allow this man to raise my children.

I had an aunt (my mom's sister) in Louisiana who would take us in, so that's where I went. I got there in February, my youngest was born in March, the following January, I started college. Two babies, living with my aunt and uncle, and I went to Nursing School. My family supported us, I got loans and grants to pay for school and childcare and books. It was very good of them, one of a few really nice things people have done for me in my life.

I know it must have been hard on them to have us there after raising a whole group of children of their own. Turns out that they were also dealing with a son who is diagnosed with Bipolar (last I heard). He's a year younger than I am, which would put him at 19 and early 20's at that time. He was having problems, but nobody knew what it was all about. And I was pretty well occupied with my own business.

I graduated 1988 with a 3.2 GPA, not bad for a girl with two babies, living with relatives, who never finished 10th grade.

I moved out on my own immediately, and began work as an RN, making pretty decent money. In 1990, I bought my own home. Three bedroom, brick, nice yard, nice neighborhood. I worked at a few hospitals, and for a while, in home health.

Nurses work every other weekend all year round, and usually work some overtime, also, for those of you who don't know. They are responsible to keep watch over very sick people, stay on top of things. Nurses are the ones watching the patients, monitoring their lab values and condition, giving treatments safely, and notifying the doctor if necessary. If the nurse is not on top of things, people can suffer as a result.

So, I was working as a nurse, and raising the two boys alone. Their father never did even try to contact us after I left. I had some cousins nearby, but they were busy with their own jobs and family, so the children had to stay with babysitters while I worked. I felt very guilty about ever leaving them again for me to have fun, so I almost never went out. I never dated. I just worked and took care of my children.

The boys went to Catholic school through third and fourth grade, and we attended church every Sunday. I spent time and money on my weekends off taking them around to sights and adventures close to home, and one year we went to Disneyworld for a week. In 1994 we spent two months in Pennsylvania at a summer camp. I got a job as camp RN and the boys got to attend for free. The pay was half my usual salary, but the experience was worth it.

During these years I worked so hard to be a good parent for my boys, and to be a good nurse for my patients. I had an attitude that there were no excuses for not getting everything done, and done well. I also blamed parents about 99% for any problems with their children, including myself. And I did have problems with my children, particularly the older one. I had some bouts of depression, which would pass after a while. They became more frequent, and severe, and lasted up to two and a half weeks. Sometimes I would vomit repeatedly at the mere thought of going to work, I would have migraines before even getting out of bed in the mornings. I would lie to my bosses to explain why I wasn't at work. I was taking antidepressants, and seeing various doctors and psycholgoists during this time. I don't know what my bosses and co-workers thought, I think they suspected me of lying.

The person who finally told me that I was severely depressed was a Social Worker at the hospital I worked for. I don't remember how I ended up talking to her about my problems one day, but that's how it happened. None of the nurses I worked with saw it, I don't think they are well educated about mental illnesses at all. Not even all the nurses on various psych units are well educated about mental illness. At least that's been my experience. (And I'm speaking as an RN who has worked psych units, and as a patient.) I have even met a couple of new doctors, doing their residency in psychiatry, who didn't get it. They thought we all just needed to get out more.

So, anyway, after summer camp in 1994, things never were the same again. I was stressed to the point I couldn't deal adequately anymore. In 1995, my boys turned 10 and 11. That year I started keeping a diary of my life and my depression. Last week I looked at them to see when they started, otherwise, I have not gone back and re-read any of them.

I know they chronicle my worst years of severe depression, and I intend to go back through them and tell that story here, in this online diary. I hope I will be able to express what it was like for me, and you might be surprised at all the failures everywhere I turned for help. I was. Up until now I have been speeding through my life before the severe depression hit, just to have a starting place where you all have an idea where I'm coming from, now I'm going to slow down and wade through it all. I'm also going to continue to talk about my daily struggles, I still very much suffer with depression every day. And maybe I'll begin to expand a little bit on things that interest me. I'm not a complete vegetable, which is the impression I think I might be making here. My mind is curious and busy, that's why I love the internet so much- it brings my brain so much.

A Woman Alone
November 01, 2003
5:38 p.m.

My Medicines

I began taking Seroquel in August, when I started seeing this new doctor. He had me taking 200mg every night before bed. It is an antidepressant, but it makes you very sleepy, too. I started taking the 200mg a month ago, before that it was 100mg. Last week, three weeks after the increase, I started being so sleepy, I have been sleeping half the day, if not more. Plus having horrendous headaches.

Even though it's weird that the problem would start 3 weeks later, I thought I would try cutting the dose back to 100mg to see if that helps. I missed my freaking doctor's appointment because of sleeping and headaches!! So for two nights I've taken half a dose, and I'm still sleepy, but not as much so, and my head doesn't hurt so much either. I'm sticking with the half dose, and I'll call the doc. on Monday.

Other medicines I take are Wellbutrin XL 150mg every day. This is only been for the past month, I wonder if it's causing some of this? Anyway, it's an antidepressant. Synthroid 0.125mg every day, it's for hypothyroid. Atenolol 50mg two times daily, it's for high blood pressure. And Effexor XR 150mg twice daily, another antidepressant. I'm supposed to take another for blood pressure, one for cholesterol, and one for diabetes. I don't have money for those, so I don't get them.

I am hoping to get on a program at the local hospital, where I see my medicine doctor, to help buy those meds. But, I missed my last appointment with him, too. Next one is on November 13, so everyone keep your fingers crossed for me that I go to the freaking appointment! Then he'll set me up with an appointment with the darn program people. I don't know what happens after that. If I had someone to take me to these appointments I would probably not miss them all the time. I know, I'm pitiful.

A Woman Alone
November 01, 2003
5:21 p.m.