Sometimes I will work for hours on something, thinking it's a wonderful idea. I will work to get it just right. Then the next day I will think it was a bad idea and throw it all away. Do you ever do that?
A Woman Alone
November 01, 2003
10:33 a.m.
Have you ever thought you saw something out of the corner of your eye, but when you look, there is nothing there? That has happened to me all day today. Something bigger than a mouse and black and fast moving, but when I look, there is nothing.My head still hurts really bad. I'm going to take another batch of aspirin/ibuprofin. It's time to go to bed anyway. The noise of the refridgerator is like a freakin jet engine for all the pain it's causing me. I've been on diaryland for a month now. I've been interacting with some of you and getting to know some of you a little bit. Since I am letting you get to know me, too, I feel insecure. Isn't that awful, for a 39 yr. old woman? That I should start thinking "Gosh, they're not going to like me if they know this..." But since my purpose of this diary is to describe life with depression, I am telling you all how it's making me feel, even tho the telling makes me even more vulnerable. The truth is that even if it's true that some of you won't like me (which will almost certainly be the case- nobody is liked by everyone), I will have my feelings hurt somewhat, but that won't really change anything. I have my good points and my bad points, just like everyone else. I am so nauseated, that comes with the migraines. I wish to hell I knew what was causing them! I'm glad it's bedtime. Goodnight, Diaryland. And Happy Halloween.
A Woman Alone
October 31, 2003
1:01 a.m.
Well, I neglected to go to the doctor today. This means I need to get over there very soon, or I'm going to run out of some meds. I'm just so sleepy, I couldn't get myself up. I'm beginning to suspect one of the meds of making me so sleepy and I'm going to start taking only half for a few days to see if it helps.
A Woman Alone
October 30, 2003
3:43 p.m.
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I Think She is Going To Pull Through
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I'm not hurting like I was last night, but I am still crying for nothing. Thank God, because it's so miserable to be so depressed. I had not been that depressed at all for a long time, but I recently started seeing a new psychiatrist, and he took me off some medicines and started me on some others. Since then I have had a few bouts of severe depression. Of course, half a day is almost nothing, especially compared to the years I suffered. Tomorrow is another appointment with him. Have to set the alarm clock, and it's a 63 mile one way drive. Hope it doesn't rain. The man has no appreciation for how hard it is for me to get myself over there. I suppose he doesn't need to. I'm still sleeping a lot, but hey, the horniness is disappearing. I suppose that's a good thing. I guess. I don't think I could have a long term relationship with anyone the way I am. Hell, I don't even keep in contact with my children. But sex is about the most fun I ever have, especially when it's really good. You know what I'm talking about. My head is still hurting, not like it's going to explode, but enough. DailyMe, you know I like you, and I know you're trying to make me feel better, and you mean what you say, but I am all alone, always have been, apparently always will be. I promise, I have learned from experience, nobody gives a damn. It's actually a relief to know- it hurts less than thinking someone cares just to find out when you need them that they don't. Thanks, tho. And just so you all know, I don't say I'm ready to be finished with this life lightly. I am, and I have felt that way for years. What in the world is the point?? Which leads me to ponder the purpose of plenty of lives. People who are severely handicapped from birth or an early age, people in a coma for 10 years, slaves, children severely abused just to finally be killed by their parents. Peole who seem to be doing nothing but suffering. There have been people in history who were locked in a castle from birth to death because they posed a threat to the king, due to their lineage. Why? No, really, Why?? Well, lest any of you worry about me, I won't kill myself. I believe God wants me alive and so I will be alive. Yes, something happened to make me come to this conclusion. Yes, I will get to it eventually.
A Woman Alone
October 29, 2003
7:39 p.m.
I am so depressed right now. It came out of nowhere. I have been sleeping a lot for several days but not feeling any more depressed than usual. Right now I could scream and yell and beat on things. My head hurts really bad, I have been crying for nothing. I really don't want to be alive, I can't understand why I am. I hate the world. I hate this day. I hate my house. I wish there was somebody in the world who gave a shit, but I also know that it wouldn't make a bit of difference if there was. This is very painful, as if someone you love unexpectedly died, only there's no specific thing to pin the pain on. It's just pain, emotional pain. My head feels like it's going to explode. I wish it would. This is very miserable, very very miserable. It's what people kill themselves to stop.
A Woman Alone
October 28, 2003
10:40 p.m.
People suck. I hate caring about anyone. I hate trusting anyone. I hate counting on anyone. Why why why do I ever try at all?
I hate this life and I am more than ready to be finished with the whole damn thing.
A Woman Alone
October 28, 2003
9:07 p.m.
Well, being horny as I am, I sincerely hope to be naked with a male in the near future. You know what that means? I must stop digging holes in my skin so that the sight of me doesn't send them running. !!! It's so hard not to pick, and the more nervous I am about it, the more I do it. Last night I picked for a long time. Tonight I haven't picked at all! Although I almost did several times. My record is 3 days, not very encouraging. My head still hurts, I'm still very sleepy for no apparent reason. I will get back to the story soon, in the meantime, this is me living (breathing) while depressed. The tv bores me, the computer bores me, books bore me, nothing is of any interest to me at all these few days, except SEX and sleeping.
A Woman Alone
October 27, 2003
10:49 p.m.
I don't know why, but I'm just so sleepy these past few days. All I want to do is sleep. And I've been having migraines with nausea, that helps me want to go to bed.
A Woman Alone
October 27, 2003
2:13 p.m.
I am so sleepy, I couldn't sleep for more than an hour at a time last night. My neck is tense and it hurts and I can't relax. My head hurts. My eyes burn. My stomach is upset. Shit. I'm tempted to take some aspirin and benedryl and sleep all day.
A Woman Alone
October 26, 2003
8:14 a.m.
I am so horny, I could put a neon sign outside of my house saying "horny woman here, hot sex, no strings attached," to see if that would get me the attention I crave.But as I sat here contemplating my unsatisfied horniness, I realized that I have an example that most everyone can relate to. Think about how it feels to be sexually aroused. Hormones running through your system. Your behavior changes, your priorities change, your desires change, your thought processes change. You want to do things that normally you might find distasteful. The groceries and rent are suddenly not terribly important. Depression isn't nearly as fun as horniness, and it lasts for a long time, and it's hard to get rid of. But it's similar because of the fact that it is due to chemical changes in your body, and it changes all these basic things about you. You become a different person. You see things differently than normal. Hopefully this has helped you understand how it could be that we can change so radically from one moment to the next.
A Woman Alone
October 25, 2003
5:34 a.m.
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my stuff
