As promised, I zipped up the mood chart and uploaded it so you can download and use it. New link at the left... or use this one.I've had headaches every day for a few days now, and today is no exception. Earlier I was OK, but now it's bad. *sigh* And last night, even with the headache and sleepiness, I didn't fall asleep until after sunrise.
A Woman Alone
Tuesday, Mar. 23, 2004
8:15 p.m.
Today, when I look in the mirror, I can see my eyes. They're open. For weeks and weeks now they've been half closed all the time, heavy with sleepiness. Today they're open. I think I've gotten more gray hair since I last saw it. Oh boy, this is promising. At this rate, tomorrow I can go shopping. I need so many things. And the weather is just beautiful. I almost wish I had the mower parts so I could mow a little right now. That will pass as soon as it gets a little hotter...
A Woman Alone
Tuesday, Mar. 23, 2004
4:11 p.m.
I have spent hours today looking for a software program to chart moods, and then, finding none, for a diary program. I keep a real, private diary in a notebook, I think it would be nice to be able to add my photos sometimes, and to incorporate my AWA pages into it, so on the computer would possibly be nice. Anyway, I figured it's worth a try.
First thing that happened is I was once again reminded of the millions of depression sites out there. Geeeeez. It's ridiculous. And half are just crap. Half of the other half are redundant. Some are very good. Mine being one of the best, of course, too bad it's not first on Yahoo or Google.
I finally downloaded MoodStats, which I have a link to on the side of this page. I'm going to delete that link, so if you want it, you better get it. I thought it recorded moods, and it does, but not like what's needed to track a mood disorder. Supposedly you can share your entries with the whole world, and/or your friends, you have to pay for it first, tho.
Some other diaries let you track moods just as well as Mood Stats does, one free is Smart Diary. (freeware link on left side of ugly page) This one also tracks stuff to help you discover if you're pregnant, among other things. Not a good site to visit with a headache. Some sites are too damn bright. I even found one for depression that I couldn't stand to look at because of the colors. But that's another story...
I am going to keep them around for a few days (I downloaded several), but I think the winner's going to be......... iDaily Diary. It has the best features for the best price, at least as far as I'm concerned. None have adequate mood tracking for my purposes, so that part doesn't matter.
I'll see how I like it. I may just go back to good old notebook and pen. At least that's portable. Sometimes I'll sit outside on the porch or back step and write in my diary. But, with the scanner and/or camera, I can take a photo of a page and insert it into the computer diary. That's if I'm away from home and consequently my diary isn't available. (since my laptop died) :(
I did think of an online diary, locked, so only I have access. But I want something I can keep forever, and available even when the internet isn't. I can think about how to do that, and keep a copy on my computer, I suppose. That requires image hosting, too, if I want pictures. Which I do. I even looked at greymatter and movable type, which are weblog software, but apparently they only work with an online server. Over my head, and I don't have a server. The online diaries certainly are prettier to look at than notebooks or diary programs.
Then, I spent way too long working on something I made last June, a mood chart in a spreadsheet program. I want to be able to create graphs. That's the thing. I want a line graph to show my moods and other parameters. Sleep. Appetite. Then, by looking at them together, I can spot some links and trends. Theoretically.
I don't know how to work the damn spreadsheet software, so it's a pain in the butt. I don't LIKE working with the spreadsheet software. And this is a different program than I had on the laptop, so what little I learned, didn't help much. Nevertheless, I think I have it mostly worked out. When it's finished, I'll see if I can post it on here for download. A mood chart for you at home. You'd be able to edit it to suit yourself.
The thing about the mood chart, regardless of form, is that I would have to fill it out every day. Consistency is key. Me? I'm consistently inconsistent. Can't be consistent to save my life. I did it for about 6 weeks back when I made it in June.
Thing is, I don't care enough for long enough to keep it up. Just like everything else. Nothing appears to be worth the effort. This is why Depression is so devastating! This is it's great power! It messes with your desire to do anything, your motivation, your resolve.
Believe it or not, there is even more on my pitiful little mind, but it can wait until another day. It's another subject.
Today I was up at 8am, after sleeping for maybe four hours. I was very sleepy all morning, broke down and napped at noon until 2:30, and have been sleepy and had a steady, but not severe headache all afternoon. Coupla more hours and sleepy-bye I hope. Eight am is promising. If I can wake up and feel decent, I may actually do something, you never know. It's Monday, the week is young...
A Woman Alone
Monday, Mar. 22, 2004
8:36 p.m.
Last night my head hurt so bad it felt like it would explode. I took aspirin and ibuprofin. I took a bubble bath, which relaxes me and often helps with headaches. I laid in the dark trying to sleep for an hour and a half. Nothing helped. With the headache was nausea. It lasted until, after 8am, I was so sleepy that I fell asleep. I slept for about four hours. My headache is gone, but the upset stomach and nausea is still here. Getting worse by the minute. And I'm very sleepy. I'm not going to sleep again until night, tho. But this day is ruined as far as doing anything remotely useful. Again, I can't concentrate. And I feel like hell. I know I don't usually do much, but at least I do some genealogy, or write html, or something that I can consider positive. Maybe a little this or that around the house. I'll probably wash the few dirty dishes today, sometime before sleep. The grass outside is beginning to need mowing. A few days ago I went out and removed the mower filter and spark plug. I cleaned the cleanable filter (there is one disposable and one re-useable), cleaned the spark plug. Then, a few days later, dug out the mower instruction book and readjusted the spark plug gap, and wrote down the correct oil and filter to buy. Eventually I'll get to Wal-Mart and buy these supplies (I'm low on LOTS of supplies right now), and eventually after that, I'll replace the spark plug, filters, change the oil, and begin the long summer of mowing. What could be done in a couple of hours will take me weeks. Well, overnight for that filter and spark plug to dry thoroughly before replacing. I'm kind of glad summer is coming back, at least I am forced to mow, and that's a lot more exercise than I've gotten all winter. I hate it, but know it's good for me. I am just floundering along. Not even going to the doctor, don't even have a psych doctor at the moment. And over and over again, it seems this fucked up sleep is the one biggest problem, and maybe the one thing I can change. I am trying, really. Still, my heart is only half in it. I swear I half don't care. I am pulled in two directions so much. I care, but I don't care. That pretty much sums it up. And I'm tired. Physically and emotionally exhausted. Always. And tired of fighting. And I've felt this way for the better part of ten years now. And I wonder how long this will go on. And I wonder where it's all heading towards. Will this be it? Or is there some big change in store for me? What am I supposed to do? What am I able to do? And what's the point, anyway? I'm going to lay down and read some pointless but enjoyable fiction.
A Woman Alone
Saturday, Mar. 20, 2004
4:31 p.m.
I've added another two dreams, one from today and one from yesterday. They are weird and I'm embarassed about today's. But I can't help what I dream. When you look at someone's dream journal, do you click on "analyze this dream?" You should, because that's where they tell what some of the symbols mean. It's interesting. I was also wondering when you dream, do you look like your real self? Because I'm never fat in my dreams, but I am fat. I'm also never depressed in my dreams, at least not as much as I am for real. Your Popular Symbols FEAR - 4 MALE - 4 HOUSE - 4 PEOPLE - 4 BED - 3 BACK - 3 BOSS - 3 CRYING - 3 WOOD - 3 WALKING - 2 WALL - 2 SON - 2 DARK - 2 BOY - 2 CHILD - 2 Fr. L, and The Bank.
A Woman Alone
Thursday, Mar. 18, 2004
1:39 p.m.
|
my stuff
