A Woman Alone

OK?

I want approval.

I'm hungry for approval.

If I had more self-esteem, my own approval would mean more to me.

But needing approval from others is a natural "normal" thing, also, so I'm not such a freak in that regard.

How do I know these things?

Two hours in the hot bathtub. Too bad I can't figure out how to make a million with little to no effort on my part, and still maintaining my moral standards.

A Woman Alone
Thursday, Mar. 18, 2004
12:20 a.m.

I dont know.

On the news today, a man who served the Louisiana Senate for 33 years, was replaced by his assistant. Nobody seems to have complaints about his work. He's fired because he accidentally sent an e-mail to everyone, one of those stupid e-mails that get circulated all the time. I guess it wasn't very complimentary, or was sexual or something. He didn't write it, and didn't mean to send it.

It was a bad mistake. But I think that if he did 33 years of good work, he should be allowed a mistake. It doesn't seem like that big of a deal to me. Not if it happened one time, and he otherwise did a good job, for 33 years.

The people making this decision were the senate, theoretically intelligent, responsible people.

Maybe there's more to the story that isn't being reported, and/or maybe my judgement is just way off. I don't know.

It just makes me question again what the hell people work so hard for. What's the point? How do you balance the need to make money to support yourself and your family in this world with your need to do something you derive some fulfillment or satisfaction from? (and he may have loved his job- I'm not talking about him now, just general life questions)

And why do I feel such a need for there to be appreciation and fairness? Isn't it enough to do something you like, and make a decent living at, for many years, regardless of whether or not your effort has been appreciated? Maybe he did a lot of good, and HE knows it. Is that enough? Should it be?

Somehow I think it should be enough, and yet for me somehow it never is. I often struggle with just enjoying and respecting my own choices and actions and accomplishments REGARDLESS of other people's reactions to them. I have to purposely reason with myself... I know I did a good thing and that's all that matters.

It's hard for me. I want so much for others to notice my efforts and appreciate them. Why?? I don't know why, I'm asking you.

Yet if you try the other tactic of not caring what other people think, that doesn't work either. How well have I learned that people will gang up on you with no functioning brain cells at all, and make your life miserable. This is like the "mob mentality," and certainly many people have died because of it, many others suffered incredibly. People CAN make a big lot of trouble if they decide that's what they're going to do.

And there's no rule that says any of it has to be fair or even make any sense at all.

I just don't understand people, even though I have spent most of my life trying to figure them out. And I don't understand life, either. I don't understand the point of it all, and I don't understand why there's so much pain, and I don't understand why people increase each other's pain a lot more often than they try to alleviate it.

Can anyone explain any of this to me?

A Woman Alone
Wednesday, Mar. 17, 2004
10:15 p.m.

Better, a little

I felt a bit better today. I hate to say so because somehow saying so might mess it up. I have a terrible headache right now. I'm going to try to read and probably take some benedryl to sleep.

I'm again up all night. And this really fucks up any attempts to do anything in the daytime. So I'm going to again try turning this damn sleep clock around. Trying to make myself sleep at a semi-reasonable time, and get up at a semi-reasonable time.

The weather in Louisiana has been wonderful. I wish so much that I could go out and enjoy it.

I'm going to try to read now. Reading is something I've done before sleep for most of my life. Usually it helps me fall asleep, but other times I can just read for hours and hours and not get sleepy enough to sleep. *sigh* That's where the benedryl comes in. It doesn't always work, either. But we won't think about that right now.

A Woman Alone
Tuesday, Mar. 16, 2004
10:21 p.m.

Spain

First, I think George Bush is a big fat liar who made up whatever he felt he had to to gain support of the airhead Americans who would rather blindly follow him into war than think. (never want that to be forgotten, and by the way, I did think that BEFORE he started this war in Iraq)

But.

Now we are in Iraq. We have to see the damn thing through, although it would be nice if GW would get his shit together and get the thing finished. It would be idiocy on top of idiocy to decide we're just going to leave now since we made a mistake.

Yes, there is a point. Chill out.

Shame on Spain! Do you know why terrorists do what they do (besides the fact they are deeply disturbed and full of hatred)? Because it works. If it were possible to remove that detail, they wouldn't do it anymore. One incident and Spain is overthrowing their government and screaming about leaving Iraq. Well, congrats to the terrorists, their plot worked out very nicely. What power Spain has given to the terrorists to make their decisions for them!

I wonder how many will follow their shameful example.

A Woman Alone
Monday, Mar. 15, 2004
6:44 p.m.

Important to Understand About Depression

This is something important to understand about depression. I know it's hard to understand when you're not a patient, and sometimes if you ARE a patient. I have known doctors that don't understand this.

Depression is an illness. Well, Major Depression is an illness. That means that the symptoms are a result of the fact that a person has an illness.

What the hell am I trying to say?

A person with Major Depression, or a depressed phase of Bipolar illness, is not depressed because ________. Not because their cat ran away, not because their mother died, not because the car broke down. They are depressed because they have an illness that causes this symptom.

There is a normal range of depression that people can experience as a reaction to life. When your mother dies you may very well become depressed. This is a NORMAL reaction and it will progress with predictable normal phases and will pass. You will not become suicidal, your food will not become tastless, you will not be in a daze, you will not have tears you literally cannot stop. If you do get that bad, it certainly won't last, you will not be depressed for the next 5 years.

This is part of what's difficult to understand about mental illnesses- that there are often "normal" versions of the symptoms.

Let's go back to diabetes. Is my sugar high today because my cat ran away? No. It's high because I have an illness that makes it high.

When you substitute other illnesses and symptoms for depression, it can be easier to understand the fact that this is an illness. This really helps sort out what's going on, in my mind.

Please everyone, try to understand.

A Woman Alone
Sunday, Mar. 14, 2004
3:24 p.m.