Everyone, I have just made a survey, I would appreciate any and all responses :) AWA Survey Thanks.
A Woman Alone
Friday, Mar. 12, 2004
3:59 p.m.
I recently figured out that my dad had a special friend for his whole life. I'm glad to know it, and I'm glad for him. As far as I had been aware, he never kept friends for very long, and had no long-standing relationships. He didn't get along with his family, and before he died, was quite unhappy with me for a stupid reason (at least the only reason I know of was stupid).I remember a lady who was around frequently, a cousin of his. She was always smiling and happy. One of the last times I saw him, she was also there briefly, so I know they were still in touch. Then, recently, in relation to my genealogy site, a lady wrote who lived across from this cousin as a child, and was related to both her and my father. She told me she remembers my father going over there to visit often. So that told me they had been close as children. Once, after I had my own children, my father showed me a cartoon picture of him and this cousin, well... fucking. My response was to be quite uninterested. I never have thought it was parent's and children's business to get too personal into each other's sex lives, and I thought it rather tacky. What I found tacky was the way he did it- this picture. He could have told me that they had that type of relationship, minus explicit details, and I wouldn't have found that tacky. At the time, I'm sure he showed it to me to check my reaction and to tell me they were closer than maybe I had thought (and it was a surprise to me) and maybe to start a conversation (which didn't happen because of my reaction). He probably thought it was a light-hearted and harmless way to introduce the subject, I just didn't agree. Don't know why he thought I should know, but there it is. They never lived together or behaved like boyfriend/girlfriend in any committed relationship that I know of, never around me. My father was married to my mother for a few years and otherwise never had any committed, or live-in type relationships. Never. So it's not a big deal whether they were doing the dirty or not. It's just nice to know he had someone special. That's kind of gross, and makes it sound like I think he was wonderful, which I do not. Even so, it's nice to know.
A Woman Alone
Friday, Mar. 12, 2004
2:55 p.m.
Is is so hard to understand that if I don't give someone my phone number, that I don't want them to have it? Especially if I just talked to that person. Especially if I have asked my family many times not to give out my personal business to people without my permission. Especially if I don't give out their private business to others. What is the problem here?? As far as I can see, it's a complete lack of respect. I say please don't give out my phone number, they give it to anyone they want to. I say please don't give out my address, they give it to anyone they want to. Furthermore, they have no idea why this would make me upset, or what they're doing wrong. They were just trying to help. I hate my family sometimes. I like them never, but I hate them sometimes. They don't listen to me. They don't know me. They know the me they have invented in their clueless heads. They play innocent so well. It makes me look like I'm totally insane to say anything negative about them to anyone, or to say that they should not have given you my phone number, I have asked them not to do that a million times. The innocent bystander is convinced my family loves me and was only trying to help and can't figure out why I would be angry with such wonderful people. But that's because they don't understand that I have been around and around with these people on this subject and many others for my whole life. They don't understand that my family never listens to anything I say and their attitude is that I'm stupid and couldn't wipe my own ass without their assistance and instruction. They don't understand that my family has this innocent, we're only trying to help, thing down to a science. They are only the ten millionth innocent bystander to be fooled by it. Do you know that I pay every month to keep my phone number unlisted? Why would I do that, especially on such a tight budget as I live on? Maybe because I don't want people to have it?? Ya think?? Is it not my business if I want people calling me at home or not?? Should my family, who love me so much, respect my wishes?? I think so. And they'd earn some of my respect if they gave some respect. Are there people who don't give a damn what I want, and will sell my private business to anyone who's willing to pay? Of course there are. Do I give a shit about them? Do I love them? Will I lift one finger to help them if they were in need? HELL NO. Do I expect people I care about, and who claim to care about me to respect my wishes? YES, I DO. Am I so wrong? Is this just me proving once again that I belong to another race, another planet, maybe?? Or is this anywhere near normal?? Do I ask so much?? Try to understand... this is not about a phone call. For one thing, there won't be any phone calls- I'm always online, blocking my phone line, and if by chance you call during the 10 minutes daily that I'm not online, I won't answer the phone. That's not the issue. The issue is respect. I respect the wishes of people, especially people I care about. I think that's what people do when they care about others. Again I ask you, am I confused about that?? I know I'm confused about some stuff, and sometimes it's hard to tell what's "normal" and what's not. I also respect people's privacy and their right to make their own decisions about their own lives. I'm just a fucking freak I suppose. Gosh, I guess that's not news.
A Woman Alone
Thursday, Mar. 11, 2004
7:02 p.m.
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Comments are Back, New Design
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Ability to comment is back, but I had to create a new account, so all the old comments are gone :(I suppose that's what happens when you're too cheap to pay for web services. In my defense, I'M POOR! And I pay for this diaryland account. It's one of the very few things I pay for on the web. One of the few things I pay for that I don't need in my life. Diaryland is the only place you can completely control your template, and NO PAGE ADS even for free accounts. The archive page also gives you more options than other blog sites do, since they don't have that feature. This allows you to organize your posts any way you want to. Their accounts are inexpensive. I hope a lot of people support them so they don't go out of business. OK, well, I changed the template around some. I was bored with the old one, even though I liked it and thought it fit the blog. It just was getting old. So now we have a lady barely hanging in there, and if that's not me, I don't know what is! She's also transparent, as I am in this blog. Lots of clouds and floaty stuff, but also structure with the blocks. I don't think I have comparable structure in my life, there's way more floaty stuff. Lots of graphics used, but they're all small. All made by me! That's right, I'm good. You can tell by my lady that artists run in my family, yes? It's true, they do. lol. I like my list of links and my main blog area the way they are, that's why I left them that way. There's several reasons for this, but you don't really don't want to hear about them, do you?
A Woman Alone
Wednesday, Mar. 10, 2004
5:03 p.m.
This seemed familiar and appropriate...
A Woman Alone
Wednesday, Mar. 10, 2004
4:12 p.m.
You may have read that I found a cigarette butt outside my bedroom window a few days ago. Well, I just had a dream that was extremely realistic in which I smelled cigarette smoke and found the neighbor kid out there smoking. The dream journal site has interpretations for dreams. But do you think that when you have a realistic dream that's a continuation of something that really happened, and what I think may have been behind it, that it has all these hidden meanings? Or couldn't it just be that I was imagining what I had been thinking? Anyway, this dream was my first of the night, after going to bed. I have read that your dreams progress from things that happened in your day, or things you're thinking about and as the night goes on they become more revealing of your deep thoughts. I think it was just me thinking about that annoying kid. I was in bed for 2 1/2 hours. Now I'm up. I'm thirsty, and wanted to add the dream before forgetting it. If I can get enough to drink, I'm going to try sleeping again. This has been the thing for the past few days- sleeping 2-3 hours then waking.
A Woman Alone
Wednesday, Mar. 10, 2004
2:15 a.m.
Ability to add a comment is gone TEMPORARILY.
I have finally gotten an AWA e-mail address, though. There's a link near the top of the links column.
A Woman Alone
Tuesday, Mar. 09, 2004
7:43 p.m.
I'm still sleeping a lot, but waking up frequently, too. Like after 2 or 3 hours. I tried to write some html pages today and totally screwed them up. Can't concentrate. I've been feeling pretty down on myself the past couple of days. No confidence. I wish I could do better than I can.
A Woman Alone
Tuesday, Mar. 09, 2004
1:09 a.m.
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my stuff
