Oh yeah,My youngest son called last night and we talked until after one am, for over three hours according to him. I don't know because I had just gone to bed because of a serious headache combined with unpleasant dizzy head thing. That was a little after 9pm. So it was dark and at no time did I feel the need to put on the light or look at a clock. I know we talked for a long time. When the phone rang I figured it was him. First of all, I get very few phone calls. Second, the ones I get are almost all in the daytime, weekday hours. Third, he had called the day before and left a message so I figured he might call back. Because I thought it would be him is why I picked up. It's always nice to hear from him. I really do wonder what he's up to and how he's doing. It doesn't hurt that I can tell he loves me even when he doesn't say so, but he usually says so. I think he's the only one. I think he has conflicting feelings about me, but he definitely loves me. It's nice to have some appreciation for all the years I worked for him. Appreciation means a lot to me for some reason. My older son probably wants to love me, wants to have a relationship with me. I don't think he knows how any more than I know how to have a relationship with him. That's my analysis of the situation for the moment, anyway. I DID NOT sleep last night. I have caught some short naps today adding up to a couple of hours. Right now I'm sleepy and head hurts. I just got on the computer for the first time today to check my e-mail and websites. Going to bed now... Goodnight people. I wish one of you was a big strong man who wanted to hold me while I sleep. But I suppose I'll do OK by myself.
A Woman Alone
Saturday, Mar. 06, 2004
1:46 a.m.
In the interest of following up on my last post- The dizziness is nearly gone this evening, which indicates to me that it's definitely the Effexor. I did take another dose today, and am going to continue. Maybe I'll cut the dose in half and see if I can decrease if without pain. Or, Hey, maybe next week I'll see about a new doctor. There's a thought...I really did think ALL the psych meds caused that dizziness when I stopped them, and that as long as I was taking one, I wouldn't get it. That's why I was very surprised to have it since I was still taking the same amount of Wellbutrin I had been taking. So I have definitely learned something here- what causes that miserable symptom I get everytime I run out of my meds (Effexor), and the fact that it takes several days for the symptom to show up. People do react differently to medicines, it's possible that other people don't get this symptom when they stop taking it. Or maybe everyone gets it, I don't know. I hope for them that they don't.
A Woman Alone
Saturday, Mar. 06, 2004
1:39 a.m.
You know the stuff I said about all the meds having the same effect as all the others? Not. Now I think this miserable dizzy head symptom is related directly to the Effexor, and I think it takes about a week to kick in after I have stopped taking the Effexor. And that delay is why I get confused about it. I'm very miserable with the condition of my head, it hurts, it's so annoying and uncomfortable. Moving only my eyes makes my brain feel as if it's knocking around in there. I have been taking the same doseage of Wellbutrin for a good while, there's no reason I should have started having dizzy head thing begin a few days ago. Unless it's from stopping the Effexor several days before that. So I took some Effexor this afternoon and am going to keep taking some every day for a while and see if this miserable dizzy head goes away. God I hope so.
A Woman Alone
Thursday, Mar. 04, 2004
7:04 p.m.
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My Day Yesterday Morphs Into A Science / Medicine Lesson
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I last wrote at 4am yesterday. I had been to bed twice trying to sleep, had even taken benedryl, which usually puts me to sleep. But it did no good. I was up writing in this diary, I wrote some e-mail, don't know what else. By 7am I was mopping the floors. This is good since I know I haven't mopped in the kitchen for at least three months. And please try to remember and think of me as a fairly clean person. I don't think I've ever let it go for nearly that long before. I like my house clean, and my body clean. My car inside is clean, but the outside isn't. That part isn't important. The car and house are not clean as in spotless, usually everything in the house isn't clean at the same time because I do a little each day or two. I would only do an overall cleaning if expecting company, and then only if I cared what they thought about my house. I can't tell you how nasty some people's homes are, I could never live like that. Not that they are bad people, just that they have a different tolerance of dirt around them than I do. I had a friend that, after she wiped the kitchen table, it was still gross. I'd get a rag and wipe my area again until it was clean. I couldn't sit there with nasty stuff on the table in front of me. We might be eating or playing cards or a game or something of that nature. I didn't make disgusted faces or comments, and she didn't seem to mind. Sometimes I even would ask where's a clean towel or some cleaning supplies. She would just tell me. And I'd just get them and clean my spot. Had she stopped me from cleaning my spot, she also would have stopped me from spending time sitting there. I think she thought like I did, only from the opposite direction- I'm picky about everything being just so, or overly worried about cleanliness, or something along those lines. Am I rambling? So, I mopped the floors, I also cleaned the bathroom, which I do fairly often but not necessarily all at the same time. The tub gets cleaned a lot since I like to take baths, as opposed to showers where only the bottom of your feet come in contact with the tub. Still need to vacuum, and I will maybe today. Around noon or a little after, I laid down and slept for a while. I like dr phil, as I have mentioned before, and he comes on at 3pm here. Oprah sucks this season. Never thought she would, but she does. I think we get that she's rich and powerful, and has lots of celebrity friends, or at least lots of celebrities who will pretend to be her friend. Why is she showing us this every day?? Shallow time wasting crap. If a person can do a push-up, it's not wonderful just because they are also rich and famous. HELLO!! Last night was the premiere of Kingdom Hospital, a new Stephen King tv series. I was looking forward to seeing it. I have been a SK fan all my life. Big fan. But am always disappointed by his movies and tv shows. They are never anywhere near as good as his books. In recent years I have become disenchanted with his books also. I think it's just my changing taste, and his not changing style. Nevertheless, I was looking forward to the show as I do every time he has a show coming on. I watched the first hour 8-9pm, then was asleep on the sofa shortly after. I hadn't slept all night and had slept maybe two hours during the day. Furthermore, I don't have any valid assessment of the first hour since I mostly didn't get it. Now, is that because it sucked? Or because I was so damn sleepy? I don't know. And it would be quite unfair to assume it was his fault knowing I was too sleepy to follow along. I do try to be fair. Well, I try to place responsibility where it rightfully belongs. And if it belongs on me, then so be it. Oh my God, more rambling. I was in bed before 10pm. I was out of bed at 11:40pm. *sigh* Read some dirty stories on my favorite dirty stories web archive. That's always fun. Oh, while sleeping in the middle of the day, My youngest son called. I had mailed him a small package with a cd with some photos from his visit here over the holidays, just the day before! He got it very quickly. I like to hear from him even tho he still doesn't tell me much. I don't think it's on purpose, he just doesn't realize how much I wonder what he's doing. He says he's been really busy. I have no clue what he's been so busy doing? Working? He's still in high school, final year. I think he doesn't have a full day of classes. See, I just don't know what he's up to like I would if he would write or call often and tell me! Of course I could call him, but oh my God, you know all about me and calling people by now, don't you? I didn't answer the phone, he left a message on the machine. I was sleeping, in my defense. He knows that if he talks and I'm there and hear him I'll go answer, so he talks kind of slow at first, waiting to see if I'm going to pick up. I don't pick up for everyone, only the boys. Unless I'm in a mood to talk to someone, and depending on who it is and what they want, and depending if I can get to the phone before they hang up. I often will sit and listen to the message and not make a move. Don't want to talk on the phone. But if it's my children, I DO want to talk to them. Finally, about 4:30am I went back to bed. I had a terrible headache. I was writing in my real diary and rambling pointlessly there, too. I remember stopping because my head hurt so bad and I was finally at a point I thought I would fall asleep. I still had lots on my mind to ramble about. I was right, after a while I did fall asleep. Hey, rambling is a symptom of mania. When I don't take enough of my psych meds, I have the most uncomfortable and difficult to describe feeling, and I've been having this feeling for days now. I am trying to take enough meds for it to go away!! It's like a dizziness. It's like my brain is moving in my head. It doesn't hurt, but it's very uncomfortable and unpleasant. I guess it aggrivates headaches (which I often have) so there's pain related there. These psych drugs effect the levels of certain neurotransmitters in the brain. Neurotransmitters are chemicals- drugs- that are normal and created by your body. Certain amounts of each of them are needed for the brain to work correctly. I think most of these psych drugs increase serotonin production. So if I were not taking as much of my psych drugs as usual, I would have less serotonin in my brain. I suppose that's where the dizzy feeling comes from. It's not really dizzy as in when you drink too much and you lay down and the room is spinning. But that's just the closest I can come to describing it. It also has sound effects, sounds I hear in my ears as the brain is moving around in there. Anyway, these neurotransmitters and their lack of correct balance in the brain are why mood disorders (depression, bipolar), and many mental illnesses (maybe most), are true physical illnesses. (Not imaginary, not just lazy people whining, not weak people who don't even want to try, etc...) Diabetes is an illness where your body doesn't make the correct amount of insulin. This has tons of effects since your body only makes drugs that it needs to work correctly and these drugs need to be there in the correct amounts at the necessary times. When they don't work correctly, you have problems. We all accept that diabetes is a real, physical illness. Well, mood disorders are the same damn thing. It's just the symptoms are different because the affected body-created-drug is different. Drug- OK, there are those who are going to argue with me over that term. Drug, chemical, hormone. What's the difference if you're talking about chemicals made by the body?? There are people who think caffeine isn't a drug if it's in coffee, tea, or chocolate but if it's in a pill it's a drug. IT'S THE SAME EXACT THING PEOPLE, just in a different place. So insulin is a drug when it's in a bottle, and a hormone when your body makes it. SAME THING, different place. Insulin is a hormone created by our bodies to do a specific job. The insulin people take by injection is also insulin. Same thing. However, the pills people take for diabetes are not called insulin because they are not insulin. They are drugs that when you ingest them, they cause your body to produce more insulin. Psych drugs are like the oral diabetes medicines. They are not the chemical made by the body, they somehow cause your body to make more or less of a certain chemical. Same result- altering the amount of specific body chemicals. In diabetes, some people's bodies won't make any, or enough, insulin, so they have to put actual insulin into their body. The already made end product. Most medicines we take cause our bodies to do the actual work. They somehow trigger actions in the body. (like oral diabetes meds.) That includes medicines for everything, that's just the way most medicines work these days. There are those that do the work themselves, tho. (like injected insulin) They are in the minority. OK, this little science lesson is all true. I was an RN and understand some of this stuff, although make no claims on knowing huge amounts of how drugs work, or about illnesses, or about how our bodies work. I think I know and understand what the average RN does, which is more than the average American, so I thought this might be of interest to some of you. This lesson is all true, although I have generalized greatly. (There are different types of insulin, etc...) I'm not trying to give you all a medical degree, just trying to expand your basic understanding of how medicines work, and what causes some illnesses. Not all illnesses are of the body-not-making-the-correct-amount-of-certain-drugs variety. An easy and obvious example of another type is any infection. It happens that Mood Disorders ARE of the body-not-making-the-correct-amount-of-certain-drugs variety, and so is the common and well known illness, Diabetes Mellitus (Diabetes for short). Which makes the comparison useful for my purposes here. And it happens that this diary is about Mood Disorders, and about educating both the general public and fellow sufferers. Therefore, I felt this little lesson was appropriate. And besides, it came to my as I typed. I happen to think our bodies are very amazing things, you would too if you knew more about how they work. This post has been brought to you by the letters M,D, and B; and by the number 2.
A Woman Alone
Thursday, Mar. 04, 2004
2:42 p.m.
I have gone to bed two times tonight. The second time I even took a benedryl to go to sleep. But I'm not able to fall asleep and I'm too restless to stay in bed. Part of that is probably because it's HOT tonight, and I'm not putting the A/C on. While laying in the dark tossing and turning, I realized I have even more about my depression to share with you all. The people who think I am bipolar say that when I'm very irritable, those are my hypomanic phases. That's Bipolar II, as opposed to Major Depression. Well, that would be now. I am so irritable. That's because I just can't think, so when you want to talk to me and want me to listen and respond rationally, it's hard. So I can only tolerate the minimum of required conversation. I can deal (with difficulty) with things that are important at the moment, but go beyond that and I'm cutting you off in a hurry. I just don't have it in me. I can't. I noticed today as I went around in my daze running errands, that I walked faster than usual, in a hurry like. I of course talked as little as possible. I waited zero seconds longer than absolutely necessary. The post office lady was talking to someone else, so I gave her the money and walked out before she quite finished with me. Couldn't wait. We were finished, but she hadn't put the money away and given me a receipt. Normally a person would have waited for that. The receipt usually means- we're finished now. Oh, and I keep writing in this diary. More than usual. Several times a day even. So, is this hypomania?? I'm definitely NOT more active than usual. I'm doing little. On the other hand, I cleaned the kitchen trash can (an outside, using the water hose job), did laundry, washed dishes (but only did a half-ass job of cleaning the kitchen, meaning I didn't wash all the dishes, didn't wipe counters and stovetop). I don't usually do much housework- a little today, a little tomorrow. Sometimes- none today, none tomorrow.
By comparison, manic people usually feel very good, invincible. They are in constant motion. They don't sleep for days at a time. They can be reckless- some spend large sums of money they can't afford, some have sex with a lot of people they don't know. They think they can do anything, they have big plans. While you're in it, supposedly it's quite pleasant. This is what I've heard and read about mania.
I have never ever felt like that. With Bipolar II, people have "hypomania." A sub-manic phase. Less than manic. But beyond "normal."
I'm not enjoying my computer as usual, and that's very weird for me. I love my computer. But I have actually sat down, opened my e-mail, looked at it trying to concentrate enough to read and understand the letter, COULDN'T, turned the computer off and went somewhere else. That's happened a few times in recent weeks. One thing, when I finally go to another doctor, I will have these posts to look back on and I'll be able to tell him about this phase. That may be helpful to him in figuring out if I'm bipolar or not, which then helps him determine what meds to put me on. If he gives a damn, that is- some of them don't. My meds are gonna be all messed up. I'm taking leftover meds I have. Wellbutrin right now, but when it runs out, I'll take left over effexor or neurontin. They all seem to work the same. As long as I'm taking one, I'm oK. Also, when I take two or more kinds, still the same. When I take higher doses, still the same. So, I'm taking minimal doses so I don't run out since I have no doctor to prescribe more. When I'm taken off a psych med, I don't usually throw away the remainder, unless I stopped taking it because it made me sick. I throw those away! So I have a pretty decent stock. I have a big fear of running out of psych meds and becoming so depressed and suicidal, and with nobody here to help or even motivate me, I think it will kill me. As it is, I have a very hard time getting to the doctor. If I get suicidally depressed again, and it lasts, I don't think I'm ever going to get better. And that's scary. Writing that is making me start to cry. I've been a bit teary, too. That comes and goes like everything else.
A Woman Alone
Wednesday, Mar. 03, 2004
4:18 a.m.
I went out a while ago. I was out of the food I bought the other day and was starving, so I went out. Plus I had several errands to do that had to be done during business hours and some put off for as long as a month. So, I'm still very sleepy. I still feel as if I'm drugged. Numb, distant, clouded, dazed, sleepy. I'm unable to concentrate, not very interested in the internet or my genealogy, or any of the things I usually spend most of my time doing. Sleeping a lot. But the old unable-to-sleep-in-the-middle-of-the-night is creeping back in. These are symptoms of worsening depression. Except my appetite. Usually I lose appetite as I become depressed. But I don't feel depressed. I am not feeling life is not worth the effort, or suicidal, or hopeless- not any more than usual. So it's weird. And I have no idea what it means. I have had these episodes of excessive sleep, but they never have lasted longer than a week before. This has gone on for what? At least two or three. I don't have the energy to go back and find when I started talking about it on here.
A Woman Alone
Tuesday, Mar. 02, 2004
6:21 p.m.
And by the way... I was just outside looking around and discovered a cigarette butt lying on top of the leaves beside my bedroom window. The leaf underneath was burned, so the butt was put there while hot. And with all the wind and rain lately, it's recent or it wouldn't be on top. And lying right on top of the burned leaf. I don't smoke. I don't have guests over. Why is there a cigarette butt outside my window?
A Woman Alone
Tuesday, Mar. 02, 2004
2:37 p.m.
Here's a question. Can anyone tell me where to get some mp3's for free these days? I used Kazaa but they charge now. And they put so much crap on the computer that I would install it, find some songs, delete it, run ad-aware. But it worked. I have a program that works with gnutella. I have no freakin' idea how to get songs from this. Usually I can figure things out, but this sleepiness has my brain on vacation. I read some webpages about it and it may as well have been written in Arabic for all I understood. I don't need to use this program. I can download another. Doesn't matter. If you can explain in simple language how to get some songs, please tell me. And thank you.
A Woman Alone
Tuesday, Mar. 02, 2004
2:24 p.m.
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my stuff
