A Woman Alone

Miracles happen all the time, thousands of times every day. I didn't tell anyone what happened to me. When I have told a few doctors, I get the definite impression they think I'm lying, especially since it's impossible that I took that much insulin and nothing happened. Frustratingly, they never admit that. When I say "don't you think that's enough to kill a person?" They never ever say "yes." It's a little psychiatrist mind game. They don't want to give me any ideas. But I don't need their help in coming up with ideas.

Psychiatrists don't understand depression very well, at least not the ones I've met. And I've met several. Some are worse than others.

When I was that sick, all I thought of all the time was suicide. I had millions of ideas. Some were silly, wouldn't work, but they worked in the fantasy. Many were real, would work great. But it was the only thing on my mind, combined with fighting the desire to do it and lots of questions about why the hell that was happening to me, and what the fuck is this doing to my children?

Of course the one idea that sticks is that if hell is WORSE than this, I really don't want to go there. And forever? How long is forever? At least this life will end in a reasonably short period of time, even it it's 100 years. That's nothing compared to forever. Absolutely nothing.

Another idea, gained since I started this blog, is the concept that maybe depression follows you around until you beat it. As in, follows you to your next life, is an enemy that must be beat. You can't cheat by killing yourself and escape it. Horrible thought. And this wouldn't apply only to depression, either. Could apply to a lot of things. "Challenges" that force us to learn and grow.

Oh, and yes, I said fantasy. You know how when you first fall for someone and you think of them constantly? And you imagine all kinds of scenarios? That's what it was like. Suicide, in all types of ways and places, all the time.

And do you think that one person who "loved" me gave a shit, or even noticed? Do you think one person reached out in any kind, concerned way? No. Nobody. Is it any wonder I'm bitter? I can't think of that time in my life without remembering the additional pain caused by those I thought loved me. It's all tied up together in my mind.

A Woman Alone
Sunday, May. 23, 2004
1:51 a.m.

Suicide and God

I saw on tv the other day a guy talking about trying to kill himself. He said that he put a loaded gun to his head and pulled the trigger. He said the bullet was a "dud." He said that he took this as a sign from God that he was supposed to live.

I had a long period of time, about 2 years, when I was very very sick. I was suicidal every single day, all the time. Couldn't get out of bed, cried constantly. During this time I held a loaded gun to my head many times. I never pulled the trigger. I would think of my children finding me and that was enough to stop that idea.

Sometimes I would leave the house with the gun and every intention of killing myself. Oh, there were other ways of suicide I considered, too. I made plans and bought the necessary equipment.

Anyway, I had a bottle of insulin. One night I injected myself with nine cc's of insulin. I was rather hoping to fall asleep and be dead before morning. I believe nine cc's of insulin is enough to kill more than one person! This is the only real, serious attempt I made at suicide.

The next morning I woke up, in my bed, like nothing had happened. I also took this as a sign from God that I am supposed to live. This experience is the reason I will not kill myself. I may be very depressed, thinking of suicide, but I won't do it. The idea of making God angry, the idea of going to Hell forever, (if that's what would happen?) is not very appealing.

I didn't tell anyone about this. What would be the point? I wasn't talking to anyone at the time anyway. Now, I have told a couple of doctors, since it's long in the past and they can't do anything about it.

But as I've said before- I don't think depressed people really want to die, I think they want the pain to stop. They would rather have the pain stop by the depression going away and getting back to life. Depression takes away your hope and ability to see anything beyond the pain, you think it will never pass, you can't imagine life being good again. You don't have the power to get rid of depression, but you do have the power to kill yourself. So it's the only thing you can do to stop the pain. And the pain is unbearable.

A Woman Alone
Saturday, May. 22, 2004
2:09 p.m.

Anger

Today I'm letting my anger get ahead of me again.

There is a list for newbies that I'm on and occasionally I write a comment on there.

I wrote a note about something new I'd found I thought others might be interested in.

I got some positive responses, but also some negative. RUDE negative. CLUELESS negative.

If you don't know what you're talking about, WHY do you put these rude and wrong comments on the list??

I guess I just want some freaking appreciation! some acknowledgement!

Yes, I try very hard, and with some success, to be happy with my own choices and my own opinion. Yet it's so nice when someone notices I did something and says "thank you" or "good idea."

It's like I crave just a little positive attention from the world.

By the same token, I HATE the negative stuff. You can have a differing opinion and share it respectfully and I don't have a problem with that. But when it's done with accusatory untertones, or flat out rudeness, I hate that.

And when the other person is not only rude, but wrong because they obviously don't know what they're talking about, well I could just slap the shit out of them. This is a list of mostly newbies, they don't know this person is clueless, and with his attitude, it sounds like I'm the idiot.

Anyway, another example of me letting others get me upset. I'm over it now.

But sometimes I ask myself if it's ever OK to be angry? Do I need to be peaceful all the time? The answer for me is YES, I NEED TO BE PEACEFUL AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. It's not worth five minutes of my life spent being upset for these idiots.

A Woman Alone
Monday, May. 17, 2004
2:19 p.m.

Damn.

Tired. Sleepy. Headache. Hungry.

Car engine doesn't sound right ever since the transmission problem, this is pretty damn depressing. Don't want to drive it until I've had it looked at and fixed. Shit.

A Woman Alone
Saturday, May. 15, 2004
3:33 p.m.

Quiet

I guess I don't have much to say, I'm in a quiet mood again.

I'm tired, as always. Nothing going on. Nothing particular on my little brain. Fooling around with my computer, and doing some reading. Trying to figure out what to eat daily without having to go get any food.

A Woman Alone
Tuesday, May. 11, 2004
2:12 p.m.

Visit

Yesterday I went to visit my friend, stayed a few hours. Had a nice visit. Took some pictures and showed her some stuff on her computer. That's the first time I ever went just to visit her house and I've lived here 5 years. She's never been to visit at my house. We live maybe two miles apart.

Today I have been in a pretty good mood, but kind of spaced out, like I'm not entirely here. I've been feeling like that for a few weeks. It's weird.

I just went outside and made a new little flower garden area. Tomorrow I'll put some seedlings in there. I really hope I get some nice flowers this year. Maybe I'll even plant some tomatoes and cucumbers in the back. Maybe.

A Woman Alone
Sunday, May. 09, 2004
6:25 p.m.