A Woman Alone

Trying to convince myself to go to the grocery store. I put some recipes in my recipe software and used it to make a grocery list. The software is pretty lame and needs a lot of work. I tried many recipe programs before settling on this one. They all suck, and they all want money, like $40 to buy the programs! ha.

Keeping the yard mowed. I've been doing pretty well at that. I do sections at a time several days per week. The weather's still nice enough. It gets much harder when the weather is hotter.

Finish the car maintenance. Nope. Haven't done it.

Bathing frequently. That's always good. I love being clean.

I went out to the convenience store for chips and candy because I was hungry. Usually I just stay here being hungry, or eat pasta and butter. Day after day. Until going to the freaking wal mart. I did get a nice tummy ache after eating my chips and candy.

Sleeping. Not.

Overall, I think I'm doing "better" than a few months ago. I have been going out more, if only to get candy at the closest store. I went and visited my friend one day, and took some requested cemetery photos that day, too. I've been doing more around the house. Mowing, and cleaning. Bathing much more often (mowing helps this).

So being without a doctor, and on much less psych medication I'm doing better. Can the meds (lack of) be doing this? Or is it just a normal (minimal) upswing?

On a scale of 1- 10, 10 being the best, 5 being what I would call "normal," I usually live around 2-3. I may have the rare day where I get up to 4 or even 5, but it doesn't last. I also have days I get down to 1, they also don't last. I have had whole years where I felt more like 4 every day. Well it happened one year, a couple of years ago now.

So if I'm having overall swings, they are mighty L O N G and drawn out. Hence the brilliant idea of keeping a record and making line charts to spot trends. For some reason I don't much like keeping this record, and it's a struggle. So far I'm still trying pretty hard to keep it. It's time to make some graphs with April's data.

I have been having dreams, and remembering bits and pieces when I wake up, but not enough to write down. Admittedly, I haven't been trying very hard to remember and get them written. They nearly always include my family and/or my ex-husband (whom I haven't seen, spoken to, or heard from in 20 years).

A Woman Alone
Thursday, May. 06, 2004
1:34 p.m.

Definition of a Game/ A Bit of my History

I think I realize now why I consider this behavior to be a "game." It's because by lying you're attempting to put a band-aid on a problem rather than actually deal with the problem. You're avoiding responsibility, which makes any resolution impossible.

Best case scenario is that the other person will let it pass and there will be no conflict, but there's no way the problem will be resolved, and if this is your method of dealing with problems, then you're going to have plenty of them.

I'm about solving problems. I'm about real stuff, not fakey fluff. I like to face reality and resolve problems once and for all.

There's nothing I can do about other people's choices, though. (Actually, we can influence other's choices sometimes, but ultimately the responsibility is theirs.)I have to learn to stop giving people the power to upset me. He upset me by pressing one of my buttons, hitting on one of my pet peeves.

I think now that I have a better understanding of this dynamic, I won't be so easily upset. It feels really good to be figuring this out finally. It is something that can really upset me, as you all have seen. And I hate being upset.

The guy finally did write, trying to be nice, while still trying to wiggle out of any responsibility. He says that he felt his reasons were legitimate. I ask again- How is it possible that he could accuse me of having incorrect information on my website, when he hasn't bothered to look at the site? Then defend that as being "legitimate?" So, as I predicted, when faced with the fact that I know he's full of crap, he continues with the lie.

I'm debating whether or not there is any point at all in pursuing the conversation with him and am leaning towards- NO. I think it's too late to try another approach. But haven't finally decided yet. Might be worth trying something just to assess the response.

Whenever I try to imagine another letter to him, responding to his last, they are always along the same lines of blatant honesty and anger. Maybe if I could come up with a good reason to try, a real goal that I believe could be achieved, that would help me figure out what to write. As it is, I feel any further discussion of the issue will result in more denials and accusations from him. (Apparently they go together- the person denies responsibility then accuses you of responsibility in one way or another. This whole scene is just like upset genealogy lady, only this time I got some good insight- thank you God.)

No, I think the time to have a different approach is when first faced with this issue, before he's really dug his heels into his lie, and before he knows how upset this game gets me.

How do you all handle this?? Doesn't it bother you? You must let it slide or you'd be all upset like I am. Then what does that do to your relationship with the person?

I guess I could try to let it go and just file it away as "well, this person is a game player- keep your distance." I could never allow it from someone I'm close to and am expected to trust. Yeah, that sounds like part of the solution, too.

---------------------------------------------
My friend wrote me a letter today saying she thinks there's something in my past that I'm not telling her. I can't remember all I've told her, but there is nothing I'm particularly trying to keep secret.

But this question has my childhood playing reruns in my brain. All day long it's been happening.

I never felt loved as a child. Never felt important. Was blamed for everything bad in the world. Was convinced I was stupid and incompetent. Was frequently accused of lying when TELLING THE TRUTH and often denied assistance because of it.

My father lived in another state and didn't see us very often. I'd call and beg for help, tell him things that were happening. He'd be angry and call me names and accuse me of lying. So here I am, needy, begging for help from someone I believe should help me, and he's responding by making it worse! This little scenario has actually recurred several times throughout my life. Social workers and such used to do it, too.

My mother and step father would convince people that I was lying and they were telling the truth. So not only were they abusing me, they abused me again by denying me assistance when I reached out for it.

One time my step father had been on top of me, strangling me. I was hysterical and HAD to have had red marks on my neck. My mother came out to see what was going on because she'd heard the thump when he threw me onto the floor. I told her what he did, and she looked at me with her cold, calm eyes and told me not to lie about my step father. (he'd jumped up quickly and sat on the couch when he heard her approaching)

A few years ago, when I became too depressed to work, the same scene played out. I was extremely sick, I couldn't figure out why I couldn't just change my own behavior, but I couldn't. I had two little children who depended 100% on me for their lives. It got to a point where I was desperate for help. There was no food for crying out loud! Couldn't pay the bills!

People who refused to help me AND accused me of lying included my family, my church, welfare, food stamps, other Catholic churches and organizations, low income housing, social security, mental health clinic.

What is it about my honesty that makes people think I'm lying??

I think several things played into that, but I definitely don't have a full understanding of it. And it's something that hurt me very badly and really totally squashed my trust and belief in humankind. People would rather let me die (literally DIE) than just see the truth in front of them, and help me, which in most cases, was their JOB! This experience combines with the depression to make me choose to be as isolated as I am now.

• The fact that my illness is hard to see, especially for a stranger. Although I hoped it would be obvious to people who knew me, apparently it wasn't. Not a single person said "AWA, this isn't like you, I'm worried."
  
• The fact that I'd been an RN for several years prior. People couldn't believe I suddenly just couldn't work.
  
• The fact that barely anyone ever tells the truth, and lies to get what they can. This causes everyone to be suspect. Rather than take a real assessment of the situation, people would rather just disbelieve everyone.
  
• In the case of my family, they just can't stand that I wouldn't follow their orders to get back to work.
  
• The fact that I'm alone. When other people show that they care about you, it actually makes MORE people join in caring. Because people are sheep. They don't have to be, they choose to be.
  
• The fact that if someone denies I'm needy, then they can refuse to help me AND go about their life without guilt. Admitting my real situation would have required action on their part. Denial solves that dilemma.

Change is very difficult for many reasons. Step one is very difficult.
Step one is to realize what you are doing.

What I am doing is confronting people with their lame, bullshit lies.
The response I get is nearly always that I don't hear from them again. Which, by the way, suits me fine. If it's someone close to me, they're just really pissed. Still, they never fess up. They don't want to tell the truth, that's why they are pulling this crap in the first place. They don't like that they are obvious.

I have just really realized this- what I'm doing and what response it gets for me. Now I can think about alternative courses of action, maybe getting a different response. I don't know what I will do INSTEAD of confronting people with their lies, but I will do something else from now on. Try to, anyway.

Step two would be figuring out what to do instead of what you usually do. This is also very difficult.

Step three would be catching yourself before doing your usual so that you can do something different. Again, very difficult.

So now that I'm aware of what I'm doing I will think about alternatives and try some of them in the future.

My feelings about all of this? Part of me wants to write to him more and piss him off. Several alternatives there. But I won't. I often have these juvenile ideas, and sometimes even indulge in daydreaming about doing them. In the end, I never do them. They are childish and only would make things worse if I actually did them. It's just kind of fun to think about.

Part of me can be a real bitch, and enjoy every minute of it. But the greater part of me is kind and wouldn't ever purposely hurt anyone.

So, as I've said, this game really rubs me the wrong way. There is no way I'm ever going to even TRY to learn to play. I don't want to play. Anyone who does it loses respect in my eyes. They lose even more when they refuse to come clean when they know they've been caught. So there's a question of how much of this I'm willing to tolerate from people close to me.

We can't choose other people's behavior, we can only choose our own. We can only choose our RESPONSES to what other people do. I can choose who I will spend my time with. I can choose personality traits that make others unappealing to me. There's a long list (shocker!). Of course, most of this comes naturally out of our own personality and tendencies.

(all this stuff in my head coming together as my understanding of this, but it's so hard for me to write so someone else can understand)

I think there's a middle ground where someone playing this game could be convinced to come clean. If they would just admit the truth, we could have a real conversation to deal with whatever is their REAL problem and resolve the issue. They have to be willing to do this. And if they are, I am willing to put in the time and effort. So my goal is to figure out how I can respond differently to encourage honesty from them rather than pushing them away. There are those who will never admit the truth, but there are those who will.

This is what I will work on from now on when faced with this issue.

The good news is that these types of changes do eventually become habit, you don't have to spend the rest of your life working on them. Once you get them worked out, they become part of you, just like your old way was part of you.

A Woman Alone
Wednesday, Apr. 28, 2004
1:33 p.m.