I have not slept for three nights now. I thought last night, being so tired, I would sleep. But nope. I laid there hour after hour awake. Doctor's appointment this week. If I don't make this one, I'm going to call someone closer to home. There are none very close, but there are some closer than this guy. I also missed my appointment at the medicine place, so I'm going to reschedule my appointment with my medicine doctor. It's not my fault I missed this one, they sent the appointment to the wrong address. I have been still doing a lot of web page writing, and rewriting. Learning all the time. I also have been doing a good bit of genealogy research, what I can do from here. Which is a lot. I really hope I sleep tonight. I'm NOT going to go to bed before at least 8pm. I'm thinking of taking a couple of benedryl (25mg caps) to help me sleep. Another night awake and there will be no chance I'll go to the doctor, especially since it's supposed to rain that day! Long drive in the rain... All the way there and all the way home. Keep your fingers crossed for me, and you can say a prayer, too. :)
A Woman Alone
Monday, Feb. 09, 2004
2:28 p.m.
Wow, I was just bragging on how nice it is to be able to write my own pages, then happened to land on this site and am put to shame. Just a little reminder that I'm a complete newbie.
A Woman Alone
Thursday, Feb. 05, 2004
11:32 p.m.
My sister finally decided to write to me. She says she doesn't want to be a burden to me. As I said, she also often asks if I'm mad at her. What it comes down to is she need reassurance every single time she writes. I don't have much emotional support to spare, it's hard enough trying to keep myself in line. And anyway, she needs to take care of herself. So she is a burden simply because of her constant need of reassurance. I didn't reassure her. I acted like I hadn't even read that sentence. She lets me write many letters and lets them go unacknowledged, and of the ones she does acknowledge, she will completely ignore any question or subject she wants to, as if I never said it. So I figure I can play that, too. Of course, she'll interpret this to mean I'm "mad at her." I, on the other hand, respond to all her letters, I don't let them go unacknowledged. I don't let questions or any topics she seems to care about go uncaknowledged. Yet besides the fact that she doesn't want to be a burden, she also said that she wrote two letters and I didn't give much response. Not that I completely ignored them, but that I didn't respond as much as she thinks I should have. Considering that I write lots of letters that get NO response, I don't think she has any right to bitch about any response I give. And I sure want to tell her so. But is there any point beyond making myself feel better? Because that's not a good enough reason. If she continues to press the issue, I'll find a way to say what's on my mind about this relationship. Rationally, calmly. I don't seem to be much able to have this in between relationship. I either give myself or I don't. Like, if I stopped writing personal things in this diary, there wouldn't be much left to say, now would there? Well, I don't want a one sided relationship where I get to listen to her, council her, reassure her, and share nothing of myself. HA. That ain't going to happen. Like I said, I don't have lots of emotional support to spare. And it's not like I ask for any emotional support in return. I don't need it, and don't want it. Mainly because it's all bullshit. What I need is respect. Just the ordinary respect anyone would expect from others. That's all. No, actually, people are bad about giving respect these days. I want actual respect. Like what anyone else would want for themselves. I guess I'm just not good at "small talk." I mean, I could do it at work, and at the grocery store and such. But for an ongoing relationship with someone more than the checkout lady, there has to be more substance. I'm just a substance kind of a person. I'm not great at it anywhere, and I'm horrible in social situations. Unless slightly drunk, then I'm usually quite friendly. There's other things I'd rather spend my time doing than talk to a stranger about nothing. And I have practically no tolerance for things that bug me. So unless there's a damn good reason, I'm not even going to try for more than a few minutes. What did I do today? Took a photo of a rain puddle, being rained on. Played around with a new template for this blog, bright green. LOL. No, I don't think you're going to be seeing it. I am learning html and was just messing around. Spent hours doing it tho. Spent a while redoing a page on one of my sites. It sure is nice to be able to create the page I want. What I'm not great at is coming up with the fresh ideas. I recieved some peanuts and peanut brittle as a thank you for those cemetery photos I took a week or so ago. I told the lady several times I didn't want any money, but when she mentioned food, I had to cave. So that was nice. I love being appreciated. I watched Dr. Phil and the Apprentice. Piddled around with some other web pages. Exciting day? Oh, and yesterday I got another appointment with that new doctor. It's for next week. OMG I hope I go!! If not, I don't know what to do with me. I really don't.
A Woman Alone
Thursday, Feb. 05, 2004
10:53 p.m.
Well, like a normal human, I did something I decided I was going to do. I made those phone calls. So that's good. You have no idea how big of a deal it can be to make a phone call.
A Woman Alone
Wednesday, Feb. 04, 2004
8:41 p.m.
And where the hell is "mytagboard.com"? They had the best tagboards!And where the hell did wiseass go?? He had a good diary.
A Woman Alone
Tuesday, Feb. 03, 2004
6:56 p.m.
I am really trying to stay awake in the daytime and sleep at night. I am really trying to get out of the house more often. I really need an appointment with this new doctor! And I really need to KEEP the appointment! But I haven't even called last week or so far this week. I feel like hell again. And I'm very sleepy in the daytime, and have bad headaches. Migraines. And I don't want to talk. Shit. I had been feeling a bit better. Now, it's gone. I did get up when the alarm rang, at 10am. But have been very sleepy and headachey all day. Not even playing with the computer as usual. OK tomorrow- phone calls whether I like it or not. Can I do it?
A Woman Alone
Tuesday, Feb. 03, 2004
6:50 p.m.
|
the plan goes awry (for a minute)
|
Today I just slept until I wanted to get up. That was the plan, but someone in my drive had to honk the horn and wake me up. By the time I got up they were driving away. Dumbass.Yesterday I couldn't stay awake in the daytime anymore so I took a nap of a couple of hours. I don't understand why I'm not getting used to being up in the daytime and sleeping at night?? Well these two days I have felt like my usual (not great) self. Before I felt like I was at least doing something positive and taking some control of my life, even tho it didn't show very much. So tomorrow it's back to up at 10am and no naps. I don't remember if I told you I switched to 9am? But 9am isn't working at all. At least I was getting up at 10.
A Woman Alone
Monday, Feb. 02, 2004
11:37 p.m.
Ok, well, my sister hasn't talked to me at all since that last letter I talked about (a couple of weeks ago?). So she's either playing some stupid game, dead (which I doubt because someone would have told me, I hope), or is just being very rude and insensitive to the fact that it's rude to just disappear with no explanation. She's proven herself to be extremely rude, self-serving, and unaware of my feelings in the past, so I'm betting on that one. I wish I didn't let it bother me at all. I don't really give a damn if we're close or not. I do hope we at least stay in touch, she is my only sibling. I think it bothers me because she acts like she wants to be so close (Remember that we didn't see each other for 22 years before a few months ago. I've seen her three times since then. But she has moved fairly close to where I live.), then turns around and does shit like this. And I have a hard time with relationships, and these mixed signals make it hard for me to figure out where to put her, emotionally. When she acts like she wants to be close, then I respond. When she does this shit, I respond. But for me it has to be one or the other. None of this one day here one day there crap. We're either buddies or we're not- all the time, everywhere. Period. So the only thing to do, when someone acts like this, is to err on the side of caution. That means we're not buddies. Now, how do I learn to ignore her occasional need to be close? And how do I keep a distant, yet friendly relationship going through her ups and downs? See, I am not good at relationships at all. I'm trying, though. But mostly I'm trying to learn not to let people rip up my emotions. I'm learning. And if it makes me a cold hearted bitch, so be it. I gave the world my heart for 30 years, and they tore it up and spit on it. I'm not giving it away anymore unless I'm convinced that isn't going to happen again. I'm not a bad person, I'm just confused (fucked up). Trying to learn a balance between being so vulnerable as to allow others to destroy me, and having relationships with others that are mutually satisfying. When I give, I give all I have, and I end up hurt. It's hard to learn a middle ground. "Oh, I'm just going to give a little." The holding back itself makes me feel mean, cold, uncaring. I feel like I could be doing more. There are people who can give all they have and get all the necessary pleasure and self confidence from that alone. They don't allow others to hurt them regardless. I wish I were that strong and self assured. But I really want at least some appreciation. I feel I have wasted my time and effort if they don't even appreciate my efforts. When in fact I should be doing what I do for my own satisfaction, in and of itself. Not for the appreciation of others. And I have made some progress in that area. But it's difficult, and slow. Especially when you interact with others as little as I do. So, I finally gave up on this dr. phil stuff. My heart wasn't in it. I was doing it largely for my sister. Maybe that's what she's punishing me for- quitting that. Who cares?? I tried to quit several times before and she begged me not to. So I didn't. Finally I decided that I just can't. I don't care about it. I have other things I want to spend my time doing. Punishing me for quitting something by not talking to me is a stupid game. Begging me to continue something I obviously don't want to do is not respecting me and my desires and my time, it's selfish. I've got to keep things in perspective. Perspective. There's a useful word.
A Woman Alone
Saturday, Jan. 31, 2004
10:17 a.m.
My resolve to stick to any plan of leaving the house, and not sleeping in the daytime is lacking. I never do care about anything for very long. I'm not giving up, tho. I wish I knew better how to motivate myself. It's this never ending lack of concern that kills everything. You can do what you're determined to do, whatever it may be. But I can't stay determined to do anything for long.
A Woman Alone
Thursday, Jan. 29, 2004
2:24 p.m.
Anyone here use Netscape? I used to like it, but now I don't. Anyone here use MSN 9? or 8? What do you think of it? I'm an MSN customer and I have the cd but I'm afraid to install it! I might never get rid of it again, or they might put some advertising crap on my computer or something. And I know how to get rid of ads, but for some reason, I'm just afraid to even install it and check it out. I install downloaded freeware all the time. It's MSN- I don't trust them. And if you read the package or try to find a website that exactly describes what the heck is so good about it, it doesn't describe it at all. Sooo... Is anyone using it? I'd like to hear some opinions. Do you recommend it? Why or why not? What's different about it compared to regular old IE?
A Woman Alone
Wednesday, Jan. 28, 2004
6:43 p.m.
OK, here's a pretty picture I took today.
And here's another one. 
A Woman Alone
Tuesday, Jan. 27, 2004
12:21 a.m.
I did go spend several hours today taking photos. I got a bunch of good ones. I am so tired and my body is sore! I was in bed for 5 hours and didn't sleep well during that time. Hopefully I'll sleep tonight.
A Woman Alone
Monday, Jan. 26, 2004
8:36 p.m.
| 
my stuff
