Today I slept until 11:30am, and I KNOW I set the alarm last night. So it seems that I can sleep through it. Hard to believe. I'm sleepy in the day and ready to jump in bed for a nap. At night I might be sleepy, but am not ready to jump in bed. I'm not sure why that is. All I can think of is the misery of laying hour upon hour in the dark, trying and hoping to get some sleep. In the daytime, if I can't sleep, I get up. Is the fear of being unable to sleep keeping me from going to bed? Well, I have a plan for tomorrow. The weather is supposed to be wonderful. I hope I follow through. If so, I'm going to go take a lot of photos for someone who requested them. Plus get some things at the store that I need. A few weeks back, the layout for my comments disappeared. I thought Haloscan stopped hosting the css sheets. I could swear I looked at their site and they were gone. But today I looked again and they're back, or they never left and I just imagined their disappearance. Regardless, my comments feature lost their template for no reason known to me. So today I figured I'd try to make a new one and upload it here. That's what I did. I like the look some people have with their comments on the same page as the diary entry, but to do that I'd have to change from weblog style to one entry per page style. I think I'm going to keep it the way it is. At least the color matches the page again.
A Woman Alone
Sunday, Jan. 25, 2004
3:41 p.m.
You know what's a good song? Could it be Magic by Barry Manilow. I know you don't think so, but listen to it again, especially if you're over 25.
A Woman Alone
Saturday, Jan. 24, 2004
9:52 p.m.
I have received another 3 or 4 requests for help after posting that I'd do research around here! I have lined up to do a few of them. Some don't come with enough information to follow through on, and I have to see if the people are going to provide it. Mostly some photos, and one that means a trip to the genealogy library. It's good so far. I want an excuse to get out, and I can do this alone. And I can play with my camera, too. Yesterday I slept until 1pm. I think I forgot to set the alarm the night before. I can't believe I would have slept through it. Today I got up at 10 when the alarm woke me. I still don't want to go to bed at night, but am more sleepy and more able to get to sleep. Yesterday I also forgot to take my photo of the day. Ugh. I bought a tripod, cheap at Wal-Mart. This should help me to get clear photos. Cool, huh?
A Woman Alone
Saturday, Jan. 24, 2004
4:17 p.m.
Last night I made a note on a genealogy board that I live in a certain area and would do local research or take photos for someone who doesn't live around here. (I wish someone in SC would take some photos for me!) I have already had two requests! This will either help me get out of the house, or be yet another attempt at doing something that I fail at, and add yet more proof to my already ailing vision of who I am. But I'm feeling fairly determined to get out more often, which is easy since I go weeks without leaving the house, days without stepping outside at all sometimes. I need to get over it so I can get to the doctor, and have medicines. I went out today. It feels weird to leave the house, not pleasant but not horrible. Uncomfortable. I notice when I'm out that most people are avoiding really looking at anyone else. I notice when I bother to look at them. I'm also used to having all the time in the world with nothing to do. Having a few things on the agenda and on my mind feels a bit overwhelming.
A Woman Alone
Thursday, Jan. 22, 2004
9:59 p.m.
Today I went to check my mail in my PO Box, which I hadn't checked for at least 2 months. So at least I went somewhere. I was up at 7:30 am and have been sleepy all day. But I haven't been sleeping during the day. Got a little food, too. I had to throw away a whole big pack of burger meat. Ever since that mad cow thing I can't eat burger meat, tuna fish, and I don't want to try any other kind of beef. I got some chicken. It's cooking. I hope I eat it.
A Woman Alone
Thursday, Jan. 22, 2004
7:22 p.m.
New computer arrived this afternoon! That is the fastest I have ever received anything I ordered online, by far. I think they want you to get it before you change your mind and cancel your order. lol.So I have spent the whole afternoon mainly downloading and installing software I like to have. It was very easy to set up. Last time I bought a desktop was about ten years ago. They weren't so friendly back then. I remember when I put a modem and a cd rom in my old desktop, it was not easy. The hardest part was once it was in there, to get the computer to notice it! Now they do that pretty well by themselves. I put in a pci card and when I was finished I was asking "is that all?" And the owner's manual! I guess it's all replaced by the help section on the computer. That was back when I would mention the internet and people would look at me like I lost my mind. Matter of fact, my first computer came from Sears and didn't have a hard drive! lol. Well that was a fun trip down memory lane.
Now if I could just get the color on this monitor right...
This morning when the alarm went off, I stayed put. How long did that take me? Less than a week? But tomorrow I'm going to get up. I didn't sleep well again, dozing off and on. Wasn't sleeping well at 10am, either. I have not slept in the daytime (except for a bit today). And I have been taking my daily photo every day, today was day three. But I didn't get dressed to take any of them. I just went outside in my usual clothes, by the house. So I suppose that's cheating.
A Woman Alone
Monday, Jan. 19, 2004
11:45 p.m.
I went to bed at 2am, very sleepy. But I couldn't stay asleep. I tossed and turned all night. Dozing and waking. Of course, at 10am when the alarm went off, I was sleeping well. That's when I usually am sleeping well. It was hard, but I got up.All day I have been very sleepy. Fighting the urge to take a nap. I really need to do this. Sleeping in the day, or lack of sleep, is messing up my doctor visits. And making it harder than it would be to get out of the house, ever. And I don't need to try another thing that fails. Too many things I try to do fail, and that makes me want to stop trying. In fact, has stopped me from trying to do several things.
A Woman Alone
Sunday, Jan. 18, 2004
3:16 p.m.
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Trying to get through to you
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I hate this.When I write to my sister, half the time she supposedly doesn't get the letters. She says when her husband checks his e-mail, her letters get downloaded, too, and she never sees them. Seems to me he could tell her she has mail, but whatever. I'm also not allowed to attach anything ever because hubby doesn't like it. So we talked about it. I said "why don't you just get a yahoo account??" Ok she says. She got a yahoo account. Does she ever check the yahoo account? She acts like she doesn't. She writes from the first address asking if I'm mad at her (she asks this about every other week). I write to the old address a letter saying only "do you ever check your yahoo account?" She writes back saying "yeah, a couple times a week." That was about a week ago. I usually write to her often, but don't get any responses to at least half the stuff I send. So I quit. I've been busier than usual lately and don't feel like screwing around with her. She writes all upset because she wrote and didn't get any response! Funny. I don't usually bitch about the fact that she ignores half my letters. And I never ask if she's mad at me. Much as I wanted to, I didn't write back and say that she has no right to bitch about ignored letters when she ignores half of the ones I send. And her letters didn't go ignored, anyway. I decided to only write to the yahoo address because she doesn't get (so she says) half the ones I send to the other address. Which she will read when she decides to check her yahoo mail. I let people upset me more than I should. It would really piss me off to have to write to her old address and tell her flat out to check her other mail. She should know that, and I already sent a big clue that she seems to have entirely missed. So I'm not gonna do it. I used to have a good friend who's husband would always be home (she worked and supported the family while he played Nintendo), he would answer the phone, but he would never tell her that I called. I called her at work but she asked me not to. I never liked personal calls at work, either. So, OK. This went on for a couple of years. I told her many times of my frustration trying to contact her. She would say "leave a message on the answering machine." I couldn't get the answering machine! She would say that she talked to her husband about it. Maybe she did. Finally, one day, when I needed to talk to her and couldn't contact her for a couple of weeks, I called when I knew she would be home. Six am. She was so pissed, we got in a big fight. I was pretty pissed myself. What the hell was I supposed to do? What about you all? You ever have a friend who you just can't contact? What did you do about it?
A Woman Alone
Saturday, Jan. 17, 2004
7:34 p.m.
I went to sleep around 3am and got up at 10 when the alarm went off. It's strange, but I suddenly remember that I have always hated alarm clocks! I really hate being woke up. ugh.
A Woman Alone
Saturday, Jan. 17, 2004
10:50 a.m.
I finally got to sleep at 5:30am, so I slept for 4 � hours. I was sleeping good at 10 when the clock woke me up.The computer I ordered yesterday has already been shipped! That e-mail was in my mailbox when I got up this morning. Fastest service I've ever had from an internet purchase. I've been busy getting a spot ready for it. Remember, I have a laptop. It doesn't need a designated area, it's small. This is going to be a big computer. I don't have a whole lot of space in my house. Right now the scanner and printer use up the dining table, but they're easily moved. Anyway... I have a small desk in my room which is usually covered with so much stuff you can't see the desk. I moved a lot of stuff and pulled the desk away from the wall to fit the monitor (sticking out the back), and I guess the computer's going to have to go on the floor and the printer up on a shelf! But I'll rig it up somehow :) I've seen others with their computers all over the place, too.
A Woman Alone
Friday, Jan. 16, 2004
4:50 p.m.
After being awake all night last night, and all day today, I fell asleep at 11pm. But by 1am I was wide awake. I'm sleepy, but not anywhere near able to go to sleep. This is why I get so happy during those rare times when I actually sleep everynight and wake up every morning. Also, my computer did that loud beeping again. I have to unplug it and take out the battery to make it stop. Can't be a good signal. Then it wouldn't come on. Then it did. I'm afraid to move it, that makes it cut off. Often it cuts off without being moved at all. I hope it holds out until the new one is up and running.
A Woman Alone
Friday, Jan. 16, 2004
2:42 a.m.
Well, I did it. This morning I ordered my computer. I hate spending large sums of money. I'm always afraid I've made a terrible mistake that can't be corrected. Oh well. I got a good deal. If I didn't, I wouldn't have done it.Again last night I didn't sleep at all. I went to bed twice but couldn't sleep so I got up. I won't sleep today, tho.
A Woman Alone
Thursday, Jan. 15, 2004
12:22 p.m.
I get up in the mornings and look in the mirror and tell myself what a ... well, not very complimentary things. I do it all day long. My self esteem is really not good these days. And the thing is, a lot of me doesn't even care.But as I say, some of me still cares enough to get some attention. I need to get a grip and change this incredible difficulty getting to the doctor or things are going to get even uglier. I know this. So I have this plan. Phase one is no sleeping in the daytime, 10am to 8pm. Sleep is a huge problem. I don't fall asleep until sometimes 6 and 7 am, and that puts me sleeping all day, and that means no going to the doctor. So. The night before last I didn't sleep all night at all, again. And I refused to sleep during the day yesterday. I went to bed at 9pm, unable to keep my eyes open any more. I slept until 3pm! I figured going to bed at nine, I wouldn't sleep past 10am, but I was wrong. I was sooooooo sleepy. But from now on, setting the alarm clock for 10am so I don't sleep past then. The concept of all this is to get me sleeping at night and not in the day. I will change 10am to 9, 8. Maybe stop at 8am. But first, I'm going to get used to this. Next phase, after I'm sleeping at night is to start going out every day. Either for a walk or a drive, doesn't matter. Just to get dressed and leave the house, regardless of the length of the trip. Just get out of here, and to get dressed everyday. I think I'm going to combine that with taking a photo everyday. I have a nice digital camera I bought last year, I don't know much about photography, nor much about how this camera works. By having the goal of taking a picture every day, I'll have some further motivation to get out of here, and I'll learn about my camera and photography in the process. A big secret about motivating me is that while I may not give a damn about extending my lifespan, there are things I'm interested in. My brain is always going. So incorporating some things I'm interested in is going to motivate me much more than "for my health" will. Sad but true. And getting out every day will increase my exercise level, which should get me feeling a bit better physically. Today when I got up, I took some aspirin and ibuprofin, my body was so sore! Probably because of how long I was in bed. So that's the new plan. These are things I've come up with because of stuff I've learned by reading and reading. Plus they just make sense. Denying myself sleep in the day should get me sleeping at night. You have to sleep, it's physically required. It's just that when you have no where to go 99% of the time, nothing to do, no one to see, it's hard to see any reason to do this. So usually I sleep when I'm sleepy and get up when I'm not. But now I've got "the plan." Wish me luck.
A Woman Alone
Wednesday, Jan. 14, 2004
3:17 p.m.
I did not go to my doctor's appointment. I slept for four hours. I'm disgusted with myself, but don't know what to do about the situation. It's like, get it right or you're going to die. Because that's what's going to happen without any medicines. I was just thinking of another symptom of this whole ordeal in my life. I get all my mail at a PO Box, except bills for this specific location. I don't feel very secure in the fact that I'll continue to have a home for any time in the future, or, if I do, not necessarily this home. I can't work to support myself or even make a little extra, so if something happens, I'll be screwed. This comes from the forclosure of my home several years ago, which was a result of my inability to work. I haven't written about that yet. I want to write the whole story out, that's one of my goals for this diary. I had just begun before the holidays, then had to hide my diaries because of people coming to visit, and I haven't taken them out again yet. But anyway, there's no sense of security, no confidence that I can handle whatever comes along. I used to feel that, but my experiences changed my opinion about myself and my abilities. It's also drastically changed my opinion about other people. I now know they don't give a damn about anyone else. And I know they will lie to themselves and everyone else in order to avoid seeing the truth that's right in front of them. Because they don't want to deal with the truth. I had already figured that out, but my experiences really proved it. This is my second attempt at updating this diary today. Again my computer cut off before I got to save. This has been happening countless times daily. Everything I do, I'm just hoping to save before it fucks up. If it doesn't cut off, it freezes so I have to cut it off to get it working again. I think I'm going to go ahead next time I see a good deal on the computer I want and buy it. It's going to use up a huge portion of my savings, but hell, it's about the only thing that brings me any enjoyment in the world. I use it so many ways. I'm extremely tight with my money and don't spend much on entertainment, or food, or clothing for that matter. I really wish I could get another laptop, but it just doesn't make sense. Obviously they don't last very long with use (because everything I have lasts long- I take good care of things so I don't have to buy new ones), and I can get way more computer for way less money. I've researched on the web and have found what appears to be the best deal for what I want. And they are always having different online promotions. And anyway, obviously I'm not going to travel as much as I was hoping when I bought this laptop. Comtemplating forcing myself to do something everyday, like get dressed and leave the house everyday. Maybe that will get me so I can go places without so much grief.
A Woman Alone
Monday, Jan. 12, 2004
3:09 p.m.
It's quarter to three in the morning. I can't sleep. My head hurts really bad, but aspirin and laying down or taking a bath didn't help. I have that doctor's appointment tomorrow. Part of me really doesn't want to go. And if I don't sleep, I won't go. Driving 100 miles each way without sleep? Not a good idea. I don't know what to do about this, it's an ongoing problem. I'm wondering if my son would come here one day and bring me to the doctor and home, I think he's my best chance. Although he didn't care at all a few years ago when I broke my foot. I have only 2 friends, and one wouldn't and the other might if she has time, but I don't know since I haven't talked to her in so long. The only other person is my sister. She lives 150 miles away and has a little girl who she brings and picks up from school every day. What would it take for her to get all the way here, to the doctor and back, and home again?? And is there any chance she would do it? I just can't seem to get myself to go, and a big part of me wants it that way. Another part still wants to be better and is trying to figure out what to do about this mess. Because no doctor will definitely mean no medicines and I don't like the thought of that at all.
A Woman Alone
Monday, Jan. 12, 2004
2:42 a.m.
Ok, tomorrow is the appointment with the next new doctor. This one will be a 2 to 2 1/2 hour drive, BUT I have heard from a patient of his that he has given him the correct medicines and the patient says he has NO symptoms currently. So he's worth a try, right? Especially since I have no other doctor that I've heard from their patients. I ought to create a patient network group for doctor referrals. The other night when I didn't sleep all night, I went to Wal Mart in the morning after the sun came up. Good time to shop, very empty! But, the shelves weren't all stocked, either. So I have some food again, but I didn't buy a whole lot like I did last time. I don't want to go anywhere tomorrow, particularly anywhere that's going to require me to be gone for so long. But I will unless something unforseen stops me. Pray I sleep tonight.
A Woman Alone
Sunday, Jan. 11, 2004
8:43 p.m.
I just wrote a nice message for you all, but my computer, which SUCKS because it's misbehaving, turned itself off for the 20th time today before I was able to save it. I didn't sleep all night and slept for maybe an hour today. I am way too tired to think and to redo that post, but need you all to know I tried. In case that counts for anything.
A Woman Alone
Friday, Jan. 09, 2004
7:49 p.m.
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my stuff
