A Woman Alone

I got out my trusty home repairs book to check what to do. I had to stop the pressure in the tank or I was afraid it would explode. Book says turn off the water supply, there should be a cut off valve. But there was no cut off valve. I had to cut off the water to the whole house instead. I also had to open the hot water faucet to let some water drain from the tank. It was too late yesterday to do anything about it by the time I was ready.

I spent time online looking up water heaters so I could learn a bit about them and find the best price. There aren't a whole lot of options where I live because I live in the sticks.

By morning I was ready, so I got up when I saw the sun was fully out, and called Lowe's. Luckily for me they allowed me to order and pay for the whole thing on the phone, so I didn't have to drive the 30 miles to the store.

I was fortunate again when a client scheduled for today had to leave and couldn't have her work done, so they came at about 1:30pm. It took a while, but the new hot water heater is in place and (hopefully) running fine.

In between taking the old one out and bringing the new one in, I went in there and tried to wipe up as much of the water and mess that I could with towels. It's all wet in the little closet where the heater lives. Now I have a fan running full blast aimed at it to help it dry as fast as possible.

Grand total- $500!! I can't believe Five Hundred Dollars. I only get $750/month, remember? Yet another fortunate aspect is that I get my monthly money on the third of the month, today. These prices are why I have been doing my own work, with my son's help, for the past several years. Had he been here to help, I would have only had to buy the heater and pay tax, under $200 total. I thought about doing it alone, and probably could have, but I'm not at all strong since my cardiac incident, and I probably would not have finished it today. And I really want a hot bath tonight. Not to mention that all the water was cut off to the house. I was able to get water from the hose in the yard and bring it in. I could have gone to a hotel and had a shower and still saved money by doing it myself. Hmmm.

I wonder if I'd called my son to come help me out, and offered to pay him $100, would he have come. Next time I think I can't do something alone, and it's going to cost a fortune, I guess I'll ask and find out. I would be much more satisfied with myself right now if I'd done this myself. I'd have saved a lot of money and accomplished something useful. That always makes me feel good.

A Woman Alone
Wednesday, Dec. 03, 2003
4:06 p.m.

Ramblings

Today I'm sleepy. I slept late, but didn't go to bed until quarter to 5am. At least I'm sleeping, catching up on the sleep I missed in the past few weeks. I'm also emotionally tired with all the company I had last week.

I've been picking at myself regularly, especially after people leave, then I can really go at it. So I have disgusting sores all over my arms and legs. Breasts too.

I've been cooking and eating since I have real groceries. Even tho I don't like to cook. And I'm too lazy to keep up with the dishes lately. Usually I keep up with that at least, there aren't usually many and I don't like a mess.

I continue to rebel against any exercise and even reading dr. Phil, which makes it pretty hard to keep up my website. Which I don't much care about, except for guilt related to my sister and the other lady who's been participating. My sister could take it upon herself to do something with it if she wanted to, but I doubt that's going to happen. Sometimes I think about just deleting the site with no warning or explanation.

I used to be someone you could count on to do what I say I will, but now I can't stick with anything. No matter how enthused I get, no matter how long I do stick with it, it never lasts very long. I flit and flutter from one thing to another, because my brain needs to stay occupied with something.

Sometimes I envision myself thin and healthy, with energy. Energy's the secret, that's what I need. And consistant motivation. In these little daydreams I can do things easily. Wow, what a concept! In them I'm usually travelling or rafting, camping, something like that. Friendly with others. And I always think "this could happen." I have no earthly idea what my life would be if I finally got stabilized on medicine. What would I do? Hopefully not the same old grind, hopefully I've learned enough to make sure I enjoy my life. I think I have.

I was also wistfully thinking how nice it would be to be really in love with a good man, who was really in love with me. How nice it would be as years passed and we got to know everything about each other and moved like one through the world. I'm not usually caught up in these romantic dreams, I figured out a long time ago that it isn't going to happen for me. But I kinda hope I'm wrong about that ;) Everybody wants love, even someone like me, who has learned to live just fine without it. Who has learned well not to trust it since it's usually more a matter of convenience than love.

Now that all the excitement is over, I am thinking about getting out the old diaries again and getting back into the story. I'll do that soon. I'm going to have to learn to tell it as I go along.

Why is it I feel like life is just more than I can handle?

A Woman Alone
Tuesday, Dec. 02, 2003
4:44 p.m.

Medical Treatment

Just so you know... Most people in the US with Depression or Bipolar illness are able to be stabilized on medications and live a normal life. I don't have the stats, and didn't look for any today, but I've read it many times.

I am a resistant case. I don't know why some people are resistant to the treatment, but some are. I take large doses of several medicines and still am depressed. However, the medicines help me very much, without them I'm sure I'd be suicidal all the time.

A Woman Alone
Monday, Dec. 01, 2003
8:01 p.m.

Yay! A visit from Gavin

My son came to visit me this evening! It's been a long time, like 6+ months. And he brought his girlfriend he's been dating for a year and a half, it's the first time I've met her. He doesn't write or call often. Sometimes when he calls, I don't call back because I hate talking to anyone :( I was so glad to see him and hear how he's doing and what's happening in his life. It's hard not even knowing what he's up to.

He says he and his brother are fighting. (sigh) They are so different from each other, always have been. He says he's decided what to do after high school, and has a plan. (He's 18 and will graduate in the Spring of 2004.) He's on the outs with "the family" as well, for sharing his opinion- they hate that anyone should do or even think anything beyond what the family has given them permission to do or think.

My boys have been through a lot. This one stuck with me, and I think he's benefitted from that choice. I've taken the job of parent very seriously and have done my best to get him ready to be a man in this world. He's mad at me often enough, but that's not how I judge my success as a parent. I'll do that over the next 20 years as I see him grow and mature and live.

A Woman Alone
Saturday, Nov. 29, 2003
7:42 p.m.

Actually

My family has some things of mine, that I'd like to have back. They have refused for years to give them to me. Now they are offering one of these items to my sister. I have asked her to get it and give it to me. This will give me a good opportunity to see where she stands as far as respecting me and my wishes. It will be a lot easier to know which direction to go in after this has played out.

A Woman Alone
Saturday, Nov. 29, 2003
3:34 p.m.

The Family

I'm angry. I have a generic, free floating grudging anger. Life is really not worth all the trouble.

I know what my problem is. It's my family and their games. I moved 120 miles away to escape them. They took my boys so they could use them as puppet strings to control me, but I didn't let that happen, trusting that eventually my boys would see the truth. Now my sister has moved into the region and she's the next pawn in their game. My sister and my boys and some of my belongings that my family has.

I have been warning her, telling her about how they are. But they are good players, they put on a good show. I have been trying to point out the game to her everytime she tells me what's been going on between them. And it's got me upset. I don't want to be playing this. I don't want to be always trying to make her see. She's a big girl and she makes her own choices, and I've certainly warned her about them enough. Haven't I?

So I need to let it go. They will not get to me through her, they will not get to me at all. I need to work on letting it go. But I feel like I'll just be sitting back and watching her walk into their trap. Their beautifully and slowly built trap. But that's unfair to me, I have warned her and warned her. It's time for her to open her eyes or suffer the consequences for choosing not to.

Now if I can only convince myself to let go...

A Woman Alone
Saturday, Nov. 29, 2003
2:21 p.m.

Let the shopping spree begin

I have once again missed my doctor's appointment. When the alarm rang at 8:30am, I didn't even hear it. I was awake most of the night, as usual. This is the second in a row I missed with this doctor, and he's the new doctor, so he doesn't know me very well. I suppose he's not happy about it. This also means I still don't have my Seroquel.

Well, it's officially that wonderful season when business makes 3/4 of their profits, and people indulge their greediest desires. I HATE the shopping spree that is the Christmas season. That's probably because I hate the consumerism that is such an ingrained part of our society. The greed, the dissatisfaction, the stupid life altering endless spending. Even more, I hate the way of life for the wealthy, who must have cigars at $2,000 a piece, $3,000 shirts, and a collection of rare and expensive cars. And for this they get the adoration of the masses. It's all a waste, not only of money, but of the earth's resources. Pollution created in the manufacture of enormous amounts of stuff nobody needs. Garbage created to package it. Lives spent constantly striving for more money to buy more stuff, these lives could be spent with more valuable goals. The money could certainly be spent on much more worthwhile projects.

I think Christmas is nice, we celebrate the birth of Jesus, we also celebrate those we love. I think it's good to get together and give gifts. What is bad is the fact that we think we need multiple, expensive, useless gifts; that it's a competition; that it's expected and people have the nerve to complain about what they've recieved; that people spend money they don't have and spend the rest of the year trying to pay back the debt.

My family is already beginning the games with my sister. I knew they would, and I honestly believe it's going to cost me the relationship with her because she isn't going to see it until it's too late. If that happens, I'll be sorry, but not surprised, and not terribly broken up over it. I refuse to allow myself to get that close to her. Maybe in the course of several years, but definitely not now. Why do people have to expend so much energy in the attempt to hurt others? Why can't they just let people live in peace? It's not like we don't all have enough struggles in life without others making it their job to create more for us. This is why mankind will destroy itself. We just refuse to love each other.

A Woman Alone
Friday, Nov. 28, 2003
5:58 p.m.

Giving Thanks

What am I thankful for?

I'm thankful for every little thing that I have.

eyesight

fully functional fingers

home

car

hot running water

fully functional legs

food everyday

my computer and the internet

God's blessing

peace

everything else

I have been completely absorbed in reading these transcripts from the last minutes of various airplane crashes. It's very interesting and dramatic, and a peek into a world I'm unfamiliar with. Maybe you all will enjoy reading some of them, too.

A Woman Alone
Wednesday, Nov. 26, 2003
4:27 p.m.