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Sister is coming for a visit.
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Tomorrow my sister and her daughter are supposed to come over and spend three days, two nights. Before September, I hadn't seen her in 22 years, not since I left home at 17. We kept in touch sometimes during the years with letters. It was strange to meet her again, all grown up and with a family. I've gotten used to it by now, though. I've seen her two times, tomorrow will be the third. The second time she was different from the first. It takes time to get to know people. No way around that. She had to replace her hard drive, and that day she was just short tempered and unable to concentrate, and was misinterpreting things I said. That was frustrating. I actually said to her, softly, "hush" a couple of times, because she was just rambling incoherently, and I don't remember doing that to anyone before. But I did pretty well. I get short tempered when I don't feel well, or if I am particularly anxious, too. (Actually, I get to a point where I just can't take any more input, and this is a symptom of my depression. I can't think and I can't do anything and I need to be left alone.) The next day she talked and talked and talked, she talked loudly in a friendly and excited way. She overran anything I tried to say, the only way to get a word in was to outyell her. I've known many women like this, surely you all know what I'm talking about. That was really beginning to get on my nerves because I couldn't finish a sentence, even if she'd asked me something. But I sat there quietly until she said something like "Were you not finished?" She also several times got up and walked away as I talked and just completely ignored what I was saying. Now, I like it quiet. Noise irritates me even without a migraine. I don't want to yell or compete to talk. I don't want to waste my breath speaking to anyone who isn't listening. Then there's the little girl. She's nine years old and very sweet. But of course she wants attention, and I have no patience. I am trying to be very nice to her so we can be "buddies" but it is something I do which is a choice and an effort, not something that comes naturally. I can only fake caring about what she's saying for so long. She'll be the only child here and is likely to be pretty bored. I do want my sister to come visit, but even so, it's going to be hard I think. I can't spend my time doing what I usually do- like reading diaryland and other diaries (and I've become pretty attached to some of them!). She can't know I have this diary. I can't sit here and pick on myself like I like to do. I really don't know how this is going to work out. I think two nights is too many, one is better. I also think that this is too many visits. I just saw her a couple of weeks ago when I brought the dr. Phil book to her. I like to be alone. A LOT. I don't like people around me, especially loud people. Thank God she lives 150 miles away and no closer, yet close enough to visit sometimes. It's me, and it's the depression, I do not like people around. Now and then I enjoy some company, but not often. And not for three days. Even so, I do want to spend time with her and get to know her, and be part of the family. Believe me, if I didn't, she would be like everyone else in the world- not coming over here to visit. So it's also a choice I am making and an effort to follow through. EVERYTHING is an effort for me. I have done little cleaning. My house is pretty clean anyway, but it could use a good vaccumming, which I haven't done. I did manage to clean the guest bathroom; gosh, that's good. How do unused bathrooms become so dirty, anyway?? One of my "mottos" is: I am who I am, like me or don't, I don't care. In other words, I don't go to great lengths to be who I think others want me to be. I'll just be me, and they can decide if that's good enough to suit them or not. I'm hoping this goes well for all of us. You all please wish me luck. My impression is that she wants to have a relationship with me pretty badly and is willing to put up with my "quirks," which is pretty much what I'm saying about her. So there's definitely potential here. People will sometimes get really upset that I want to be alone, or I need some quiet. They absolutely refuse to believe that I'm not angry at them for something. And what about my intense enthusiam about dieting and exercising two weeks ago, which is now an aversion? It was my idea, I bought the books, I made the website, I'm the freakin' leader! Now I'm entirely uninterested in the subject, am, in fact rebelling against it. That's one thing I'm going to try to explain to her while she's here- how I go back and forth like this. But I'm not going to compete with her to do it. So if she doesn't want to listen, she won't know, and she can come to her own conclusions about it. I don't care. Alrighty then, do I sound hopeful? Confident? Committed? LOL. You all know me better than that by now. Miss me until she leaves and I can catch up with all the diaries, including mine!
A Woman Alone
Sunday, Nov. 23, 2003
4:03 p.m.
This day has been less than pleasant. I slept. So why do I feel so damn crappy? My head has hurt all day. Beginning before I got out of bed. I took a nap to try to make it feel better, but no, it still hurts. Migraines. Upset stomach, light and sound are painful. My whole body just feels sore and stiff. I have done seriously nearly nothing. Inside of me there is a person who wants to have a life. I believe 39 is nowhere near too old to make some serious changes. I could lose this weight and feel stronger and energetic. I could travel, which is one thing I would like to do. I could have a job that I like, hell, I could go into just about anything I want to. Start all over again. I could be busy everyday. I could have friends and dates. I could go back to college. There is much to do in this world. Migraines related to depression? I don't know, but I've had bad migraines for a long time, frequently. Sometimes several times per week. Depression steals it all away. Because of the depression, everything is a huge effort, and unpleasant. And painful. I've been like this since 1995-1996. That's a long time. I don't want the constant fight, constantly losing the fight. So it turns me into someone who would rather die than go on living like this. And yet, it's NOT ME, I am in here somewhere, beaten down into near hopelessness. It's so much stronger than I am.
I'm going to take a long, hot, candlelit, bubble bath. One of the few joys I have. Good for relaxing and helps with headaches and lack of sleep. Also good for malodor. Ick. (that's right, I made a joke even tho I feel crappy. that's just he kind of wild and crazy girl I am.)
A Woman Alone
Saturday, Nov. 22, 2003
10:30 p.m.
Inspired by something I read in Hedgehoggy's diary, which I'm sorry to say is now locked.People living in America who don't know what Wal Mart is, or, like Oprah sometimes does- goes on a shopping spree at Wal Mart and it's an event. I really have little respect for those who live in that world where everything they do is immensely special and we're all supposed to admire their every breath. They get applause for what? making a joke, having an opinion, mentioning that they know another rich spoiled human being without a clue. Watch some of the idiotic shit people get applause for when they're on these talk shows. How can a human being refuse to make themself a sandwich and be proud of that?? I'd be ashamed if I were so freakin' lame. Who should be respected and admired are the regular people struggling through this world, working hard, and maintaining a sense of morals and kindness to others! Keeping a level head and their feet on the ground. Paying their bills, taking care of their loved ones, living on what they earn. This is who I admire. These are my heros. Who do you admire?
A Woman Alone
Saturday, Nov. 22, 2003
6:05 p.m.
I might have mentioned this before, and I might even mention it again...When a person is suicidal, they don't really want to die, they really need the pain to stop. But the pain won't stop, and they can't take it anymore. And it's the only way they can make it stop.
A Woman Alone
Friday, Nov. 21, 2003
6:15 p.m.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, step right up. It's a new bright and sunny fall day. What am I doing up at 7am? I neglected to go to sleep last night. Are you impressed? So, WTF will I do with myself today? Clean? Repair? Cook? Freeze? Water the plants? Wash the car? Finish mowing the lawn once and for all for the year? Maybe I'll go visit a friend? I already have laundry going. See, I can do some positive things sometimes. I've been meaning to do it for the past 2 days, but that doesn't really matter, does it? I wrote my son a letter yesterday. Spent some time getting it right, then had to print it out three times to get that right. Guess what? Today I'm having second thoughts about sending it. Who's shocked? If your hand is raised, you have missed some of my entries. Did I tell you that I went to the grocery store, finally, day before yesterday? How about that. Surely you're impressed with that. I now have tons of food to last at least a month. Stuff I'm going to have to actually cook to eat. Honest to God, I feel sorry for Michael Jackson. You think I'm fucked up? Ha. This guy is so fucked up. And it's sad. Do you think he has any idea of how screwed up he is? Because he pays people to be around him and tend to him, and I imagine they reassure him about how good and normal he is. Have you seen the new photo? He doesn't look human anymore. I know we've been saying that for years, but now it's really really true. I don't see him having any more hits after this, what do you think? I'm not excusing him abusing anyone, OK? But I really think he's a sad, confused, empty, lying to himself every minute of every day, individual. Everyone have a nice day. Bye Bye. Come back again soon.
A Woman Alone
November 21, 2003
7:17 a.m.
Sometimes I think I have things figured out. Other times I think I haven't got a clue. Sometimes I get feeling better (hypomanic?) and think I can do things. Simple things, like plan an outing with a friend, start an exercise regimen. And if I kept feeling good, I could do those things without a whole lot of trouble (I know because sometimes it happens that I can get a day in). But I never stay feeling good. Never. A week is about as long as it ever lasts. Then I can't do anything. Then I hear myself telling people the same old crap- I don't feel well, I can't do it. I'm so fucking sick of hearing myself say it, and so sick of letting people down, that I promised myself that I wasn't going to make anymore plans with anyone until I am feeling good consistantly. But what did I do? Started this exercise/diet crap. I can't follow a diet. I never go to the grocery store. I get hungry and eat what's available. Period. (Fresh food runs out pretty quickly). I'm not going to walk everyday, I don't even want to get healthy. And since Friday I have been nauseated courtesy of my new medicines (which I didn't take today since I spent the whole past two days feeling like vomiting at any moment), and since Saturday night, I get very out of breath for any little thing. Last night I cried for my son. Even though he's mad at me, I know he loves me. But I'm no good. And I haven't been good. And I'm sorry. I hope you realize this is not a person chronically whining. I hope you realize this is a record of how I feel, and how it changes, and how it affects my choices and behaviors. Because I don't need an online diary to whine in. I hate whiners. I used to need to be understood, but I'm long over that. I am trying to share the inner workings of my brain on depression. Because a lot of you have loved ones who suffer with depression, and maybe this will help you understand them so you can help them. Because I believe if my family had helped me, I wouldn't be nearly so sick as I am now.
I'm scared to say it out loud, like a lot of the things I say in here, but it's entirely possible that I've had some permanant heart damage. Nothing too major, but some. I'm not scared. I don't want treatment. I will not tell my doctors, or anyone else. I want to die. Why? Because I'm in a cage. Because when I'm sad (like now) there is real, immense pain. Because I am useless, even to myself. Because my life is going nowhere, there is no hope for tomorrow.
Feeling this way and feeling the reality of it close up makes me cry for my child. Because I think he will be broken hearted. But this knowledge doesn't make me any more capable of having a relationship with him. And it hurts me so much that I couldn't be the mother I wanted to be and tried to be.
A Woman Alone
November 19, 2003
12:57 a.m.
I think I've had a little "cardiac event." Saturday night I was sick and my chest was feeling funny and I couldn't breathe. It didn't hurt, it was uncomfortable, tho. Ever since then I can't do anything without my heart beating really fast and my breathing becomming difficult. Like getting up and walking in the house, trying to wash the dishes, walking to the car. That's why I only walked for a few minutes yesterday and couldn't go anymore. My biggest fear is that something obvious will happen in front of someone and I'll end up in a hosptial with surgeries and God knows what all. I still have no food here, I need to go shopping. I still didn't go to get my medicine today, I slept really late. At least I slept. I got Subway for dinner since I was pretty hungry. My sister and her daughter are supposed to come for a few days next week. So I am going to have to go buy some food pretty soon. And I don't feel like doing anything.
A Woman Alone
November 17, 2003
8:27 p.m.
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