A Woman Alone

Today I am also feeling foolish for thinking I could ever go on a diet or follow an exercise plan. I don't even want to live longer. I am so tired, I'm not about to go walk. But I'm also too tired to go buy some candy, which is what I want to do.

I went to my medical doctor Thursday and he put me on three new medicines. I'm now suspecting one of making me nauseated because I've been nauseated since last evening. I didn't even have my coffee this morning because of it, and I love my coffee. I've had nothing all day but water and a handful of my morning pills.

I honestly don't know if I will be able to follow a diet and exercise plan. My depression takes away my motivation, and energy, and makes me NOT want to live longer which means it's pretty stupid to make any effort to get healthier. It causes me to actually rebel against the concept. Now, the real me wants to lose weight because I want more energy, and I want to feel stronger. Currently I sometimes feel vulnerable because I know someone could get the better of me because I'm not strong and can't run fast. Currently every single thing I try to do is a chore because of lack of energy and everything makes my body sore. Currently I'm unable to keep up the yardwork and home repairs that I need to do because of no energy and little motivation. I do not care about how I look/my size, which is a huge motivating factor for most people. It's just about all Dr. Phil has talked about so far. How I want to be thin, when really, I don't care.

So I think the Seroquel was making me feel better emotionally (finally something that helps!) and if it continues to do that, I may get going good on this getting healthier thing. I tell ya, my whole attitude was decent Thursday. They made me walk all over the damn place, but I wasn't pissed. I was smiling and friendly. I ran an errand on the way home from the doctor. I would never do that! Normally I'm thinking "I want to go home. I want to go home. I want to go home."

I'm even going to call a friend and invite her to ride with me to go pick up the meds on Monday. I haven't talked to her in so long. I hope she comes and we get to visit.

Could this day drag by any more slowly?

A Woman Alone
November 15, 2003
1:40 p.m.

Good Stuff

Today I walked up the hill by my house for exercise. Now if I can only get myself to do it everyday I'll be onto something.

I also just now finished replacing the faucet for my bathroom sink. It's been broken for months.

I was going to go to my psych doctor's office to pick up my meds, but I've been on the move all week, and I'm used to sitting around all day every day. I'm tired! I was almost falling asleep on the sofa a little while ago, so maybe I'll get to sleep tonight.

A Woman Alone
November 14, 2003
6:43 p.m.

I am Home

I'm home. I am so tired. I haven't slept well for three days, and I have been on the go constantly. I hate that.

I went to my doctor appointment today, always a good thing. He was very encouraging about my newfound desire to lose weight.

I think that Seroquel is finally making a difference. Normally I wouldn't dream of trying to lose weight, and wouldn't do nearly so much in one day. And smiling at people today wasn't as difficult as usual.

Anytime I feel better than usual, I'm afraid to think it might last because it never does.

[Haloscan comments won't work if there's an apostrophe in the title. Go figure.]

A Woman Alone
November 13, 2003
7:12 p.m.

Finally

The Dr. Phil books arrived today! I'm off to see my sister tomorrow. It's a three hour drive, so I'll stay at least one night, maybe two.

I saw her about a month or two ago. Before that, I hadn't seen her for 22 years, ever since I left Mom's home when I was 17. I met her husband and 9yr old daughter while I was there.

I called her tonight, she says her hard drive died. She went and bought a new one today. Tomorrow we will get it installed. I like messing with computers, this will be fun.

A Woman Alone
November 11, 2003
1:29 a.m.

May 30, 1995- After the Doctor Visit

May 30, 1995 8:07pm Tuesday

"After a cup of coffee my blood sugar was 141. I measured 39 weeks, even though I'm only 34. The doctor did a non-stress test and says the baby looks fine. No contractions during the test.

S.T. brought a birthday gift with a mushy card thanking me for her baby. She and her husband, T.T., will be adopting this one. My children are 10 and 11 yrs old and I have no desire to begin with a new one now. She is unable to become pregnant and they are very happy.

I slept 2-3 hours between 7am and 12pm. I rested again from 3:30pm-5:00pm. I had a bad headache and was very nauseated. I felt much better after my rest. I'm tired now and hopefully will sleep soon."

June2, 1995 11:09am Friday

"I went to the doctor yesterday. 116 Fasting Blood Sugar and 141 after lunch. She wants me to take 10u NPH Insulin every am. She gave me a glucometer to use at home.

I'm nervous to take the insulin, it's a strong drug, and I'm barely eating."

June 3, 1995 2:03pm Saturday

"The air conditioner broke, and it cost me $620 to have it fixed!! It was the motor on the blower.

My blood sugar was high and I had to call the doctor. She ordered Regular insulin and more NPH. She wants me in the hospital, but I've been resisting. Where would George and Gavin go?? ST says she would watch them. It makes me so angry and hurt that my family isn't here for me. I never expected this from them. It seems they love me as long as they can control me. What kind of love is that? They sure had me fooled.

The diabetes has me upset, too. The insulin makes me nervous and it's frustrating that my body is rebelling like this. It has to be controlled for the baby's sake, I didn't go to all this trouble just to have a sick baby.

I'm hungry, but afraid to eat. Tired, but afraid to sleep. I have the alarm set so I can check my sugar at 4am.

George and Gavin are so good. They are strong and understanding. They have been a great help through this whole thing.

If my blood sugar stays high, I'll let her put me in the hospital tomorrow. I don't want to go, but I guess this is dangerous. She seems to think she can get it under control in the hospital."
-------------------------------------------------

By this time I had been to summer camp for the summer of 1994, and made only half my usual salary. When I came back home, my old job was not waiting, and I was having a hard time finding a new job.

I finally got one in a nursing home, where the pay is not great, but at least it's pay. I worked there for 2 months. It's where I met S.T.

While working for this nursing home, I remember using my lunch break to sleep in the backseat of my car. I was so tired, and couldn't sleep well at night.

We had meetings with all the departments (dietary, nursing, activity, social services, ...), where we would discuss each patient. The family were also invited. When the families were not there, I would take off my shoes and put my feet up on the table. Can you imagine? How bizarre is that? Nobody said anything, either. I was assistant Director of Nursing, the only one who really could have would have been my boss, the Director of Nursing. She didn't.

After I left Mr. Wonderful, pregnant for Gavin, I didn't date until the fall of 1994, nearly 10 years. No men, no sex for 10 years- working hard raising children. It's interesting that I picked up right where I left off regarding my choice of men.

The man I began dating, Mac, was alcoholic. He would hide beers all over the house and he would go out to the store a block away and buy beer when I wasn't looking. He said he wanted to marry me. I'm happy to say that at least I knew I wasn't going to let that happen.

He would say he wanted to quit drinking. I went to AA meetings and bought and read recovery books all to help him stop drinking. He went to one AA meeting with me. That was me- wanting to cure the world. I'm going to fix his life right up and we're going to live happily ever after. That's what I would think. He eventually confided that he felt AA was for losers. LOL

The pregnancy was an accident, if you can call an RN having unprotected sex, knowing full well she could get pregnant, an accident. At first I insisted on condoms, but Mac didn't like them and would beg and finally wore me down.

So, two months at the nursing home and I was so exhausted, I stopped going to work. I imagine they fired me shortly afterward.

That did nothing for our money situation, so I found work at a prn agency, which means you fill in for hospitals who have shortages. They have a need and call the company, the company calls you and you go work the shift. Not a lot of advance warning, but thankfully, the pay was good. I did that for a while, as long as I could.

Mac would call me 5 times a shift and want to just hang on the phone. He would get mad if I said "I'm WORKING. I have to go." The children honestly did better when I left them home alone than when I left them with him. And so did I.

Do I even have to say that he never brought a penny into the household? Or did you already have that figured? I still owe money to Bell South today because of 900 calls he made that I didn't know about. They went on for 3 months before showing up on my phone bill! Of course after that I got 900 blocking, but it was kinda late. He told me more than once that he thought I was rich. As in, he thought I had money. He had no concept of the fact that I was working and using that money to pay bills and barely keeping things together. It's really amazing how fucked up some people are, and it's even more amazing that someone would choose to be with them. What does that say about me??

A Woman Alone
November 10, 2003
1:30 p.m.