A Woman Alone

What is it? Am I too boring? or just a hateful bitch? What? Totally insane, you don't understand a word I said?

You want me to say something nice? She laughed a lot, and made me laugh. She thinks I'm hilarious. That was fun.

There, you happy now?

It just so happens that writing the last entry helped me to clear up some things in my little mind. Writing does that for me. And now I can assess what I want to do and how to do it.

I bet none of you are making any major self-improvements, are you? It's hard. It requires honesty with yourself. Something most people aren't willing to do. Including little sis.

A Woman Alone
Thursday, Jul. 08, 2004
8:30 p.m.

Strength

First, I posted some photos of my sightseeing on the previous page, if you wanna have a look.

I have been totally exhausted. I'm not used to doing stuff, and I was very busy for several days. I'm not used to having company, either. The first day my throat began to hurt from so much talking. (really) It's emotional and physical exhaustion.

There is a lot of stuff I want to say about my sister, but I don't think I'll get to much of it because I'm still tired.

The first thing I want to say is that I AM a strong woman. I always thought I was, then after the depression, I have felt so weak and useless. Spending time with my sister has proven to me again that even in this state, I'm strong. She is weak, at least compared to me. Whiney. Won't take charge of anything, ever. Refuses to honestly assess what she can do about some difficult problems, but is content to bitch endlessly about them.

I don't like being in charge, and don't much like to follow, either. I like to be an equal. Obviously if someone has some special knowledge or skill, I will defer to them.

What I now remember is that I CAN lead, and will if nobody else is going to, or if the leader just sucks. I can't stand to stand around and stare at my companions with no direction. What are we doing, people?? Which way are we going?? Does anyone here have a clue?

But I can't lead for a long time, it's too emotionally draining, and stressful. I don't want the responsibility. So I can do it for a while, but that's all.

I can be strict and be the policeman for a while, too, but for the same reason, I can't do it indefinitely. (That's usually something we do with the children- be the policeman.) I can't keep telling the kid the same damn thing again and again. They have to do what they're supposed to after being told once or twice or I'm gonna get real mean. Well, real mean for me is something like "go in your room until you can act right" and I seriously intend for that to happen. Because I know for a fact that the little shit can do what they're told, they're just waiting for some motivation. And they prove me right every time.

My sister spoils her daughter. She does everything for her, things a ten year old should be doing for herself, but whines until her mother does it. The fact that her mother does it if she whines is WHY she whines.

My sister also is raising a scared child. She literally screamed like she was dying when a (really big) mosquito landed on her arm and bit her. That's because my sister is in a constant mild hysteria over the possibility of mosquitos (and we live in Louisiana). So she'd prefer to stay inside ALL THE TIME than go outside, and is raising a child who's afraid to be outside lest the mosquitos get her.

This (and other similar behavior on my sister's part) deprives the child of innumerable experiences!! I think it's horrible. I really do.

I think we need to raise children not afraid of life or of the world. I think we need to give them all the new experiences we can. I think we need to allow them to have bad experiences and then use the opportunity to teach them and guide them through it. I don't mean harmful, bad things, but some things are just not going to work out well, and that's life. So use the opportunity to help them learn that fact and to deal with it. Same for sex and drugs and alcohol. The fact is that they are going to encounter these things somewhere sometime. When you hide and shelter them, you leave them unprepared to deal, and vulnerable to any asshole who wants to move in.

So, I am well aware that this isn't my child and it isn't my decision how she is raised. But it drives me nuts to watch this shit go on. So I voice my opinion. Can't much help it. All I ask of people is to listen and consider what I've said, they don't need to change. I feel better for having said what I think. Once that's done, I have the dilemma of how much can I stand to be around? That's my choice- how much time to spend with people I know are gonna act a certain way.

My sister does other things that drive me nuts. Well, back to the daughter- she does this high pitched shrieking that my sister doesn't seem to notice, yet I may kill the creature doing it if it continues (and her mother for letting it). So, OK, the daughter is making tons of screaming and laughing and I asked my sister to let me sleep late (in the morning). I come out, having been awakened by all the noise, and the sister says "do you want me to tell her to be quiet?" and "I told her to stop." WELL, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE IF YOU'D SHUT HER UP WHILE I WAS SLEEPING!! But of course, I didn't SAY that.

Why the fuck does she ask if I want her to tell her to be quiet AFTER the child has awakened me?? I'm thinking my sister was born without a backbone. And that is something I seriously dislike in a person, any person. I told the child, quietly, once, that if she screamed again, I'd turn the tv off. The child was quiet after that. But I was awake.

My sister also asks if she can do something, after I've already done it. I guess this works on some people, I guess it makes her look good to them. Oh, can I do those dishes for you? I'VE ALREADY DONE THEM. Me, I NOTICE these things. You have to try harder than that to impress me.

She also is very willing to take all I'm willing to give, plus a little more! I give her a cd, she wants another. We can't use the one I gave her- she wants another. It's like that with everything. Maybe not a big deal if money's not an issue, but I live on $750/month!! That's $9000/year if you can't add. MONEY IS A BIG DEAL TO ME. The fact that I was willing to spend a pretty large amount to feed her and her child, drive all over the damn countryside, pay to enter sight seeing places, etc... shows how much I wanted to spend time with them. But DON'T FREAKING KEEP SQUEEZING ME. In fact, an offer to pay for gas wouldn't have been unwelcome. Did that come?? Of course not.

So what I'm saying here is that she is not someone I would choose to spend time with if she were not my sister. She's not a bad person, not mean, malicious, lying, thief, etc... She's only giving in that fake, after-the-fact way, which is very annoyingly artificial. Other than that, she's a taker. Doesn't mind asking you to do things for her that she could do herself.

So I am again in a dilemma. She IS my sister, and my ONLY sibling and I would like to have a decent relationship with her (and, yes, even the neice). Learning to find that balance between her driving me crazy and enjoying having her in my life is gonna be a big deal for me. There is nobody in my life who bugs the hell out of me, that I CHOOSE to spend time with. So it's gonna take work. And how much work is it going to be worth vs. just giving up, is another question.

So far I definitely want to spend some time with her and am nowhere near ready to quit. I hope it never comes to that. Regardless, if I try, I will certainly learn and grow, and that will help me with all people, not just my sister.

There is more junk I want to say about her- psychological stuff regarding our parents and childhood and that crap, but not today.

A Woman Alone
Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2004
4:27 p.m.