A Woman Alone

I got more stuff done today that needed doing, and I have a list of stuff to get done this week! I am going to plant some flower seeds in some of my gardens and pots and make a little flower spot where there isn't any right now. Well, I actually have a few of those planned, too. Some I've been wanting to do for a few years now.

Last year Spring I didn't do anything at all. I didn't get in the mood, and didn't get any energy or motivation and didn't do anything. That's pretty unusual for me to do NOTHING for the Spring. I usually make at least a small effort to put some flowers out.

Besides yard work is the car, it really needs some attention, too. I realize how badly I've been neglecting it. So I'm not wanting to drive it until I get the idle adjusted, hopefully that will be cheap. Other stuff I can do myself, like change the oil and filter. That stuff is coming up this week, too, I hope. I know I need to do all I can while I feel good. I have no idea how long it will last, but I think FOREVER would be just about right.

Besides yard work and car, there are chores that need to be done around the house, repairs. The clothes dryer still doesn't get hot, and I've made absolutely no effort at all to fix this. I suspect I can fix it myself when I have a look at it because it went POOF! and there was smoke one day. I know where to look for a problem, and I can replace little wires or connections or something like that. If not, at least I will have tried and I'll know it's going to cost a fortune just to have some guy out here for a $5 repair.

There's other little things that also need doing. I seriously have done just about nothing for a long time now. To clarify: I don't think I am going to do all the things on my list this week, I just hope I'll be making progress.

So, to try to describe how I feel...

I'm not full of energy, but I do have more energy than usual. But way more than that is the motivation and ability to overcome. I can decide that I'm going to mow the lawn regardless of how I feel- and I do! Yes, this is a normal thing most people can do, but it's not normal for me.

I'm not all happy as in giggly or smiling, but I'm so happy that I can do what I decide I'm going to do, and it's not a huge deal, and very happy that I have been accomplishing things for three whole days now! So that today I'm much happier than Friday (when I woke not at all happy) because the more I feel good, the more it's making me feel good. Just like when I feel bad.

I have been thinking of being with other people. Men, even. I have been thinking of going out and doing those genealogy requests that I haven't done that are months old, and even doing some of my own research, maybe even going to New Orleans for research! That's about 100-140 miles away, and there is MUCH for me to research there since both lines of my family come from the area, at least in the relatively recent past, plus, being New Orleans, they have a lot of resources for all areas of the state. Had I felt decent often, it's entirely possible that I would have been there many times for research, it's easy to go and come home in a day. But as it is, I've been maybe 5 times for research in the past three years.

I've been sleeping much better. I guess exercise will do that for ya. Or not, because when I feel crappy and I get exercise anyway, it doesn't always help me sleep. I'm just LESS DEPRESSED, and being less depressed is helping me sleep better.

Well, any plans that require leaving the house pre-require me getting the car in better condition, and that pre-requires me being able to afford it. And I'm even more broke than before. And the landlord just raised the rent, but thankfully not by a whole lot. And the car insurance is due by the first of May.

How do I have any money at all? Well, I have savings. I have money put away for just such occasions, and I NEVER EVER touch it unless it's a major repair or replacement type thing. I refuse to even consider spending any. And it earns a little interest, so it's building. But, even when I spend it for these things, I will try to use as little as possibly possible because when it's gone- it's gone. So I didn't take out enough to cover the whole transmission repair and impending insurance payment, I am using as much of my regular monthly income as I possibly can. And in fact, I'm thinking that next month I need to start writing checks to my savings regularly to build that fund back up again. Even $30/month is a lot more than nothing. Some months I should be able to add more than others.

All you people- keep your fingers crossed, and say prayers, and do chants and magic spells, and whatever you can that I will keep feeling better forever, or for as long as possible, anyway.

A Woman Alone
Sunday, Apr. 18, 2004
7:28 p.m.

Even More Good Stuff

I had another good day. Wow.

I mowed the lawn some more and dug up my cactus garden so I can plant some flowers. I washed the dishes that were left from yesterday. And on the computer I spent a lot of time working on a maintainance schedule for the car so I can get it back in good shape and keep it there.

It feels so good to be doing stuff. It feels good to be getting some exercise, and being outside. It felt good to wash the dishes and have it not be a big deal. Everything is always such a big deal.

I've had a bad couple of years. I've let everything go and done just the least I could to get by, and even that has been hard. I hate to think that it could be turning around, because experience has taught me it probably won't last. But I can't help but be encouraged anyway.

This is further proof for me that I could have a life if this depression was well controlled. When I feel better emotionally, I do things, I want to do things. I even feel like I can deal with things.

Yeah, I still need proof. That's one thing about depression, you're always questioning yourself. At least I am. Even though I don't do it a whole lot, and I understand the illness somewhat, there is still a nagging part of me saying "just get up and go" when it's the hardest thing in the world to do.

I wanted to be sure and tell you all about my good days. I'm trying to let you see how the depression affects my life, and that definitely includes the occasional good.

A Woman Alone
Saturday, Apr. 17, 2004
10:32 p.m.

Twice in a Week

I got the car, it's running Ok, but the engine is too loud. So it needs to be checked. I guess I'll plant a money tree out in the yard while I plant the flower seeds I bought this morning.

After not one but TWO trips to the store today, I got the lawn mower working. That's an accomplishment. And I mowed some of the yard. My poor body is all sore now. I'll go mow more in a little while.

For the past few days, I have been working on another of my web sites that I've been wanting to redo. I haven't been able to because I haven't been able to concentrate enough to do the html. It's very frustrating. But the past few days I have been better able to concentrate and have made some good progress.

Right now I'm tired but not exhausted, not half asleep, either. I have little energy. My mood is not particularly good, but also not particularly bad. And I'm very glad to have gotten my lawn mower working finally. I worry about these things. I even felt pretty decent while out running around earlier.

So what I'm saying is that I am again feeling pretty decent today. That's twice in a week, isn't it? Pretty good :)

Hey, I even smiled and waved at annoying neighbor boy earlier.

Oh how I wish I could feel like this every day, or even better sometimes. But I'm not much of a dreamer anymore. I could definitely work with this, do something useful with myself.

A Woman Alone
Friday, Apr. 16, 2004
3:46 p.m.

Not Happy

I'm going to go pick up my car in a little while. Of course, I'm glad, but I don't want to go. I want to get back in bed. I've slept maybe 3 hours, and not all in a row. I don't want to talk to anyone or go anywhere. I don't even want to brush my hair or put on some decent clothes. But I will. If someone weren't coming here at 9am, and if it were up to me, I wouldn't go right now.

I'm really unhappy about the cost of this problem. He's charging even more than his highest quote. That's not at all fair or right, but I suppose he can because he knows people are going to pay it. Must be nice. "Because you can" is not a very good reason to take advantage of people, it's not a good reason to do anything immoral in my opinion. There aren't many, if any, good reasons for that, in my opinion.

That's another thing about being alone, and poor, as if life isn't hard enough. People who lean that way will take advantage of you if they can. I used to be a fighter. Not anymore. But I don't like this situation at all, I feel very trapped, as if I have no choices.

And this, and the money, are issues that have nothing to do with depression. Depression, and lack of sleep, are problems ON TOP of the other problems, taking all my energy, leaving me with nothing to deal with other problems.

I'll go see about the parts for the lawn mower before coming home, at least that will be done (fingers crossed). Coffee's ready...

A Woman Alone
Friday, Apr. 16, 2004
8:00 a.m.