Yesterday I felt pretty decent for a change. I cleaned the house and did laundry and did several useful things on computer. I had slept pretty well, after taking one benedryl. Slept from early morning hours until afternoon, of course. Still can't get my sleep right. And taking medicine to sleep only works well when I haven't taken any for a while. If I take it three days in a row, and then don't take it, I have a much harder time sleeping than I did before. My body has already adjusted to the medicine. It seems like my body is determined to not sleep well. I also can't seem to get my sleep hours straight. I set the alarm and get up. I go through the day half asleep (sometimes worse than half) and by the middle of the night, can't sleep again! This goes on until I just can't stay awake in the daytime anymore. It seems to me I should eventually fall asleep earlier in the evening and begin sleeping at night, but it doesn't work out that way. I think the same way about the anti-depressant medicines. They may help at first, but I seem to get quickly adjusted to them and end up back where I started, or nearly back. All the medicine I'm taking currently daily is one Synthroid, one Atenolol, and one Effexor. And my mood is as good (or bad) as ever. That bad ass Effexor is a bitch to stop taking because of the withdrawal symptoms. I don't want to stop taking it, but I am not getting it from anyone since I have no doctor at the moment. I still have a good bit left, tho. Can't get a doctor now if I wanted to, I have no car. I don't know when I'll get it back. And it's going to cost a freakin' fortune. Yesterday, when I was feeling pretty good, I felt like going out. But there is still so much to do around here, I can easily be busy all day catching up, if I ever feel well enough to do that, like yesterday. It's been so long since I just felt decent. But again I am reminded that if I felt well, I would WANT to go places and do things and talk to people. The neighbor boy isn't in school (why the hell not??) and is playing that radio louder than ever. It's so very irritating. I've been contemplating setting my radio by a window and blasting them with some pink floyd or van halen or something so they can see how it feels. But I won't. That would just make things worse. But we think of all kinds of things, don't we? I try not to let it bother me, and sometimes it works, but a lot of times it doesn't. It has me thinking all kinds of other bad stuff about him. Like how lazy he is and rude. I don't like him at all. If he didn't rattle my windows with his noise, I wouldn't even notice him, probably, which would make me quite happy. You know, I can hear him coming down the street long before he gets to the driveway. And we share a driveway, it passes right in front of my house, that's part of why it's such a problem for me. I am particularly sensitive to sounds and light. I think it has to do with the migraines. I'm not sure. But sounds bother the hell out of me, I like quiet. I keep the tv low when I'm watching. I keep the computer on mute. I can't stand screaming or yelling, some of those high pitched noises children like to make are horrible. Noises just hurt me, hurt my head. That's also part of why this is a problem for me. Sometimes people write to me because of this blog. They want me to help them. I write the blog in an effort to help others. The real life peek into what depression really does to a person, particularly a person without the support of loved ones can be helpful in it's way. I want to help them. I just don't know how to help them. I don't know what to say to them. My life isn't anything I would wish on anyone else, if I knew how to beat the depression, I would do it! So it's not like I know what they should do to get better. Except get a doctor who is going to find the right combination of meds, as soon as possible. The longer it goes on, the harder it is to get over I think. And the longer it goes on, the more it's going to change who you are, for certain.
A Woman Alone
Wednesday, Apr. 14, 2004
11:53 a.m.
It turns out that not mowing the lawn has at least one benefit. You get really tall weeds that you can take pictures of. 
A Woman Alone
Monday, Apr. 12, 2004
5:17 p.m.
The transmission man has had my car since tuesday afternoon. He hasn't taken it apart to find out what's wrong yet, even tho he promised he'd have it done by this afternoon. Now he promises Monday afternoon.Oh boy! Not only is he going to get large sums of my money, but he's also going to lie and play games. Let's just hope he does good work on the car so I'm not completely fucked. I know I hardly ever go anywhere, but without a car it will be impossible to get to doctor appointments. I suppose that's only of secondary importance since I will starve to death from lack of food fairly quickly without a car. Luckily, I just went for groceries last week and I have enough for at least two more weeks. Probably 3-4 weeks.
A Woman Alone
Friday, Apr. 09, 2004
9:55 p.m.
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