A Woman Alone

Then the car started acting funny.

I got none of my intended errands completed.

I had to drive 20 miles back to town at 30mph or less.

The car is now at Mr. Transmission Guy's shop, where it will cost a bunch of money to get it running well again.

When I got back into town, I went to see the lady I wrote about not too long ago- my friend. I've been wanting to thank her somehow, but haven't done anything towards that end. Of course. So I decided that before I ask her for any more favors, (and damn near needing one with my car trouble) I was going to tell her how I feel. It was something I've been wanting to do for several weeks now. So I went by where she works and told her, which made me start crying, of course. She was very nice, as I knew she would be.

I also spent part of the day being a good Samaritan to a guy stopped on the road near my house, who said he had run out of gas. I gave him all I had, which admittedly wasn't a whole lot. But would have gotten him to the gas station. He didn't move. Turns out he said he didn't have any money either, so it wouldn't do him any good to go to the gas station. So he took my gasoline knowing full well he wasn't even going to try to move.

Does that somehow diminish my effort, time, and money involved in our exchanges? Or am I the same kind lady I would be if he had been quickly off on his way? Or am I just an idiot for giving some guy all the gas I had?

Get your vote in now, while there's still time.

I'm very tired.

A Woman Alone
Wednesday, Apr. 07, 2004
12:46 a.m.

Must Be Nice

Where I used to live, When I owned (was buying on a mortgage) my own brick home, When I was working as an RN, and raising two small boys, there was a very small goverment housing project near my house. I would pass it often going and coming back home, several times daily sometimes.

There was an older man who would sit on a small bench right next to his front door, in raggedy clothes, and watch the cars go by. Sometimes he'd wave. I don't think I ever waved back.

I would think to myself "must be nice."

Now I have nothing to do everyday. Now I could sit on the porch (nicer than his by far) and watch cars go by if I weren't such a computer junky. Now I know the real cost of having nothing to do all day. It's not nice.

When I was living in that house, I had become so incredibly stressed out. I was stretched in all directions, working so hard to get everything done well. I was a good nurse, and I worked hard at it. I don't have the same confidence in my mothering abilities, but I worked harder at being a good mother than I have ever worked at anything else in my life. I worried about the boys. I maintained the house and yard. I cooked every night (nearly), or we went out to eat. I worked 40 plus hours every week. And still found time to socialize with family and sometimes with friends. We even took lots of day trips and some real family vacations over the years.

Well, that all fell apart slowly. The socializing went first. Then I would be sick at work. Literally vomiting. Then I would be so sick I would miss work, home and yard maintainance went down around this time, too. Then I was not as good to the boys, and around that time I couldn't work at all. Had no money. Well this part could go on for a long time with lots of details, but not today.

Anyway, here I am now, unable to work. Nothing particular to do. But why am I home everyday? Because I'm too sick to do anything, ever, with anyone, regardless of how necessary it may be. Including grocery shopping and doctor visits. They are so difficult for me that I don't do them. No friends. The boys are gone, one won't talk to me at all. (you know, he was always difficult, even labor and delivery of him was extremely difficult, the other one- easy. you think there's a connection?).

So that's the price, the cost of being able to sit on your porch and watch cars go by all day, every day. You're there because you are unable to work, unable to have any friends, don't even think about romance, even your children don't want to see you. And you're an adult, and other adults your age are in their prime. And you're not a stupid person, intellectually you can do many things. And intellectually you are quite aware of your position.

I do think I'm fortunate for living in this age- I get disability and it gives me food and a home and my privacy and independence. Those things mean very much to me. Very very much.

I don't consider my depression a fortunate turn of events. But good does come from just about everything, and I suppose some good has come from this, if it's pretty difficult to find. Who knows what the future may bring? I swear, it can bring absolutely anything- I have learned that lesson well.

A Woman Alone
Sunday, Apr. 04, 2004
5:35 p.m.

Update

I haven't been posting still because I just don't have much to say, still.

I also haven't been writing any e-mails.

In fact I've been spending little time on the internet. I've been doing some reading. Hell, I don't know where the time goes. I'm not doing anything.

I am getting up with the alarm clock again, trying to be awake during the daytime. So I'm not sleeping the day away.

Spain- they've had another terrorist action, a bomb that was found before anyone was injured. That's how well their plan to pull their support for Iraq worked. Now they're putty in these guys' hands.

We have a serial killer in Baton Rouge, he was caught over a year ago (although it seems like a few months to me). There is so much talk about psychiatrists and whether he has any mental problems.

Then there is the lady in Texas in the news lately. She killed two of her three children with large rocks, hitting them on the head, out in the yard, on mother's day. God told her to. More talk of psychiatrists and mental problems.

Why is there such a difficulty in this country (world?) figuring out that psychiatric problems are real?? Why doesn't everyone automatically know that people who do things so far from normal OBVIOUSLY have a problem?? People miss an awful lot of obvious things, as far as I'm concerned. Not just this. Lots of things.

They miss obvious things, and they invent ridiculous things and decide they would rather die than disbelieve the ridiculous. Millions agree! It's unbelievable.

Why do I even want to be part of this world?

A Woman Alone
Saturday, Apr. 03, 2004
3:55 p.m.

Wally World.

Well, I finally went to the big fucking wal mart store. Can you believe they didn't have the air filter for my lawn mower!! So I still can't run the mower. My landlord likes the yard to be kept up looking nice. I need to start mowing.

There's all the food I could ever want. I don't really care. I'm tired. And it appears that my left knee has a complaint about something.

So how long have I been saying that I need to get to Wal Mart? A month?

I didn't call any doctors yet. But I will. Eventually. Surely I will.

My body hurts.

I can think of more fun ways to get my body sore. But they all require interacting with other humans, specifically, men.

Earlier today I made another new archives page. Are there rules about how often you can change your layout?? Sheeeesh, I have so little fun. It coordinates with the main page layout. It's sort of a whirlpool.

The other day I said I was in a whirlpool, and I've decided that I like that analogy. Whirlpools drag you down, you have to fight against them just to stay where you are. Now if you throw in a few spectators shouting "just swim out of it!" it will be nearly perfect.

A Woman Alone
Thursday, Apr. 01, 2004
9:21 p.m.