A Woman Alone

I know I'm not too old to enjoy life and do just about whatever I want to, if...

I don't really know what I'd really like to do if I could. Just about anything, when you do it for work, becomes not fun. There's never enough time to enjoy it, always too much pressure.

The only thing I know I'd like to do is travel. I would not like all the flight delays and cancellations these days. I'm not a very patient person, but in the scheme of things, they're doing what's best.

So what kind of job lets you travel? But allows you time to enjoy your travels?

Actually, there are travelling RN agencies, where RN's sign up for 3,6, or 12 month stays in different areas. I always thought I'd like to do that after my boys were grown. I wonder what it would take to get back into nursing after all these years away? Back to college maybe?

A Woman Alone
Monday, Jan. 05, 2004
2:00 p.m.

Computer Freaking Out, Contentment

This evening when I went to reboot my computer, it went off and started beeping loudly. It wasn't stopping so I held the off button to turn it off. Then it wouldn't do anything at all. Then I figured it was dead, so it was a good time to try and open it up and have a look. It's a laptop and I still haven't gotten it open. I stuck the screwdriver in there trying to get a look. After a few hours of that I put a few screws back in the bottom and turned it on, and it works fine. I figured I'd be lucky if it didn't explode, I really didn't expect it to come on. Too weird.

I am reading the dr Phil book, as I'm sure you all know, and trying to lose weight with my little sister. I realize that I'm pretty content. I'm not at all desperate to lose weight. I wish I had more energy and strength, but that's it. I'm also not desperate to have friends, boyfriends, a job, nothing. I'm pretty content. I'd like to be able to get groceries without it being a big ordeal.

So no, my life isn't perfect, I'm not completely satisfied, but overall, I'm definitely content. As long as I don't get any more depressed, I'm content. More depressed comes with serious emotional pain, which I hope to never experience again in all my life.

I wrote some letters today requesting some genealogical information. It's a hobby I work on when I feel like it. I get all excited when I find something good.

A Woman Alone
Friday, Jan. 02, 2004
11:38 p.m.

Happy New Year

My son and girlfriend showed up around 3pm. They stayed and we had a very nice visit. The girl is only 16, and when I heard that, I decided no way I could let them sleep together here. It's just not the kind of thing you decide for other parents, and since I hadn't heard from them, I had to do what I thought was best. So my son left at about 12:30.

I was proud of him because he didn't act like a baby about it, he just decided he wanted to go home rather than spend the night, and he decided earlier in the evening, but didn't let it spoil the fun. Signs of maturity are always nice to see in your growing children.

The weather here in south Louisiana was just awesome, couldn't have been better :)

My sister wrote me a letter saying my older son was going to visit her on Tuesday. I think this will be the first time she's met him. She hasn't written since! So I don't know if he even showed up, much less how it went! According to son #2, older son is messing up and having a hard time getting his life together :( He's angry at the world. He always has been. Always. I tried so hard for years with that boy. He's extremely hard headed, impossible to talk to or reason with, impossible to get a straight answer from him. Never happy. Never responsible for anything, including his own decisions. Never has been. One thing I have learned- people are definitely born with a personality. Then they are shaped by their personality interacting with their environment. I'm not blaming him for being himself, but trying to deal with him and help him was probably the biggest stress on me during their growing up years, and undoubtedly contributed finally to my breakdown.

I always gave everything I had, never taking care of myself. And I was an RN, and told people all the time that if they didn't take care of themselves, they couldn't take care of their loved ones. I believed it, too, still do. But still didn't realize that I was not following my own advice. It's incredible the things we do without ever taking a moment to realize we're doing it.

Happy New Year everyone. Let's hope this is a good one for everybody.

A Woman Alone
Thursday, Jan. 01, 2004
11:35 a.m.

Parental Decisions, Bathing

For about the last six weeks, I've only had a bath about once a week. Oh, is that gross? Yeah, I think so too. So why? Because I just don't want to do anything. Duh. Did you think I'd say anything else? I love the way I feel when I'm clean and don't like being dirty and stinky. But even more, I don't want to do anything.

My youngest son is coming tomorrow with his girlfriend. I haven't cleaned the house, even tho I want to so she doesn't think I'm a pig. (And by the way, my house dirty is way cleaner than many people's house when clean. I'm not a dirty person. Usually.)

I also have no food, still, and need to get something to feed them. Did I go to the grocery store? No,that would also be "doing something."

Well, I've just had a nice bath. That should make me sleep better tonight, and make it more likely that I'll get up and go get some food in the morning. Gosh, that would be nice.

I don't really want any visitors, but I'm always happy to see one of my boys, IF they're being respectful.

This also brings up a subject common to all parents- they are going to spend the night. He's 18, I don't know how old she is. Do I really want them sleeping together in my house? I thought about this. They may or may not be having sex, they may or may not have sex here if I let them sleep together. At their age, they have cars and go where they want to, when they want to. If they have chosen to have sex, nobody is going to stop them. I know this. They are young adults and need to make these decisions for themselves.

I don't know how her family handles this. I've never spoken to them. (Her family is who he's been living with).

I think to allow something in your home is to condone the behavior. So I'm leaning towards not allowing it. Would I allow them to shoot up heroin in my house? NO. Would I allow them to get drunk in my house? NO. Although I might allow a drink or two. So what about pre-marital sex?

Well, I've had sex out of wedlock, and my son knows this. I never made it a big secret. I never told him not to do it. I did stress not sleeping around a lot and safe sex.

My real fear for them is pregnancy. They are so young and not at all ready for a child. I had a child at 16 and gave it for adoption. Not something I want my son to go through. Although keeping the child would be even worse. Raising children is hard.

So after this little chat with you all, and myself, I think I've changed my mind. See why I like writing? Being a logical person, and evaluating what it is I'm concerned about, has helped me decide. Since I don't really have a problem with the sex, I guess I'll allow them to sleep together. They have been dating well over a year, it's not like he's sleeping around. It's obviously a serious reltaionship. It still scares the hell out of me, though. Maybe I'll get some condoms while at WalMart and leave them laying around.

A Woman Alone
Tuesday, Dec. 30, 2003
5:29 p.m.

Dreams, Doctor, Compulsions.

Hi everyone,

I did get an appointment with that doctor I called the other day. It's in January. I expected that. His appointments are only 30 minutes for the initial and 15 for followups. He only does meds, no counseling at all. Not that any of my other doctors were any good at counseling. Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me that this guy will be able to help, and that I'll get myself to all my appointments there.

I had a couple of dreams on Dec. 24 that I remembered and wrote down. Patty and Ireland. All I can make out of them is that I'm confused. But I already knew that.

Christmas was exactly like every other day here. Me home alone doing nothing in particular. Which is just what I knew it would be.

Again, I think I am a bit compulsive. I get onto an interest or idea, and that's all I will do from getting out of bed to going back to bed, for days, until it's not interesting anymore, or I just can't take anymore. That happens in the evenings sometimes. I want to continue, but I'll have a bad headache, or just won't be able to concentrate anymore.

A Woman Alone
Sunday, Dec. 28, 2003
10:43 a.m.

Computer Troubles!

I've been having TROUBLE with my COMPUTER and it's got me VERY UNHAPPY. What I need is a brand new top of the line computer. yeah. That would fix me right up.

But after many hours, I've had one minor success. I got it to log me on automatically. I reinstalled windows the other night, hoping it would cure the problems. All it did was take away my automatic dialing. Oh, and it also took away the troubleshooting section of HELP. None of them work! And I'm positive that's where I found the instructions to automate dialing before. Anyway...

I don't want to jinx anything, but I've been sleeping at night! I love getting sleepy in the evenings! I love sleeping all night and getting up in the morning. Well, the sleeping part is good. I do wake up at night, but fall back to sleep pretty quickly. YEAH.

Remember the dr. Phil books, and website, mutual support, blah blah blah? Well, I've lost 11 pounds in two months, and my sister lost 13! Just think what I could do if I exercised (which I rarely do, still). I haven't eaten sugar in quite a while. I mean, I have sugar in my coffee every morning. I haven't eaten candy, cake, cookies... in a while. And I really want some ice cream, too. And a coke.

I went to Wal-Mart before Thanksgiving, and I only just ran out of food. This means that I've been eating real food, cooked by moi, everyday. I can see that when I run out I resort to the starches, because that's what's left. Pasta, rice. I make bread in the bread machine. AND after a week or so of that, I'm dying for something else, so I get candy or something. There's no restaurants here except Subway (they suck, but I eat it anyway out of desperation sometimes) and the only grocery store is disgusting and expensive! So I don't usually get much there, and I refuse to buy their meat.

I don't like going to Wal-Mart, so I try to only go when I'm going to get enough food to last. They're 30 miles away besides. I don't want to go there for just a few things. And believe me, I don't want to go there until at least another 2 weeks! The lines returning stuff are as bad as the lines buying stuff.

OK, my doctor dumped me for the sin of missing appointments. Someone told me of a doctor that helped them. I have tried getting an appointment twice so far. I guess they don't answer the phone, instead they have an answering service that answers the phone and then the office has to call you back. OK. So I have to stay off my internet until they call. Well, the first time, they called to say I had to call back Monday. The second time I called at 3:30pm (the first lady told me I could call until 5pm- I asked!), but they never did call back. At 5:30 I got back online. Moral of the story? I have to call again. Guess now's as good a time as any.

Hope you're all having fun and goofing off.

A Woman Alone
Tuesday, Dec. 23, 2003
2:26 p.m.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I hope you all have a great week!

A Woman Alone
Monday, Dec. 22, 2003
6:39 a.m.

Depressed people should just stop their whining and get on with things.

I have been sleeping pretty well for a few days. All those days of not sleeping are finally catching up. I notice by reading this diary that I seem to be preoccupied with sleep. I guess that might be true. I feel a lot better when I get some good sleep, which is not very often.

Why don't depressed people quit their whining and laziness and get up and do something worthwhile? Good question.

Have you ever been sick? Have you ever been able to control the symptoms of your illness through the force of your will? Can you stop coughs, runny noses? Can you adjust your blood pressure and blood sugar? Yeah, but did you try really hard, or are you just saying that because you're too lazy to actually do it?

Controlling symptoms of an illness is not within our power, using the force of our will. It's that simple. So next time you are depressed, and are having a hard time doing something you think should be easy, or next time someone you know is depressed and doing nothing at all, remember this. Please. Even the ill person has a hard time understanding why they can't control their actions sometimes.

A Woman Alone
Friday, Dec. 19, 2003
1:57 p.m.

Another Day

Once again I felt really crappy today. Earlier, my chest and abdomen felt "strange" and not in a pleasant way. I was breathing hard. I had been hungry and started to cook, but while cooking this all hit me pretty hard and I turned off the fires on the stove and had to lay down. Just couldn't do anything. I fell asleep. To my surprise I slept for four hours. After I woke up I felt much better.

I slept last night, too, ten hours. I woke up in the night, but fell back to sleep quickly. This is NOT the usual. This is why I was surprised to sleep again this afternoon. I've been going with very little sleep for what? A couple of weeks now? This happens sometimes- I go without sleep and then just sleep a lot for a few days. Then I won't be able to sleep again.

This morning when I was feeling bad, I was really depressed, too. Crying. And somewhat afraid. As I have mentioned, I'd rather be healthy than die, but I am depressed so much that I don't want to live and don't take very good care of my body. I do have health problems and really need to take of myself or it really will end up killing me. And it's scary to know I'm doing that to myself. I really wish I could feel better.

I have tried, but never feel I can describe well enough for you to understand the difference in when I feel good vs. when I feel bad. When I feel good, it's an entirely different frame of mind; an entirely different outlook on the day, people, life. It's as though I'm a different person. When I feel good, I want to do things, go places, see people. I get bored around here alone. I get the things done that need to be done without huge difficulty. It just makes all the difference in the world.

I asked someone today, who says he's asymptomatic, how did he manage that? He says it's all about the right medicines. I have thought that for years, with all I have read and heard about bipolar illness. But how do you find the doctor who will figure out the right medicines for you?? Well, as you all know if you read my last few posts, I am in need of a new doctor. I need to call around and see who I'm gonna try next. I haven't done that yet. I need to be feeling decent enough during working hours to talk to people and be able to concentrate enough to have a reasonable conversation. In my defense, it's only been today and yesterday that I could have called, and like I said, today was not good.

You know who I really wish would read this diary, and understand it (very important detail!)? The freakin' psychiatrists! Do any of them have any clue what kind of lives their patients live?? And if there are some out there, those are the ones I'd like to be going to for help!

I think one of my two "friends" has given up on me. I talked to her the other day for a minute, but she wasn't very interested and left quickly. I can hardly blame her if she has. I haven't talked to her for months and months. Before that, it was months, too. A few years ago, when I was feeling particularly good for a long time, we spent a lot of time together and got pretty close. But of course I got depressed again and here we are. I think she has tried very hard to be patient and understanding with me. I bet if I were feeling better and called her, she'd be receptive. Or maybe not since I have not been around with all the things happening in her life in the past few years. Who knows?

Oh Hell, that's enough for now.

A Woman Alone
Tuesday, Dec. 16, 2003
8:10 p.m.