For about a week I have been sleeping weird hours. Getting really sleepy from 1-3pm and waking up from 6-9pm. It's making it hard to keep track of the days and the time. I woke a little while ago (I finally slept pretty well today) and it was dark. I wondered was it early morning or night? Let's see, I went to bed at 3. Was that three in the morning or afternoon? Was it three? There was a lot of traffic on the road outside, so it wasn't early morning. I slept from about 3 to 10! Seven whole hours of sleep! I've also been eating once a day, late. And my tummy's grumbling now. I'm going to go cook pretty soon. My appetite's been down. That's not a complaint, I like when my appetite's down, ;) I guess I'm going to cook now...
A Woman Alone
Monday, Dec. 15, 2003
12:10 a.m.
Saddam Heussein caught! Yay!Thank God for that. I hope this is a big turning point in this damn war.
A Woman Alone
Sunday, Dec. 14, 2003
7:11 a.m.
I have this movie, I've watched it plenty of times. But I can't come up with a good description of what it's about. Mid life crises? How we end up with stagnant lives? The neighbor man is in denial about just about everything. What's with the kids? I'd like to hear your opinions of what this movie is about. How would you sum it up?
A Woman Alone
Saturday, Dec. 13, 2003
3:42 a.m.
Well now, I just got a letter from my doctor. I missed 2 appointments. Is he concerned about what may be going on with me to make me miss appointments? Of course he isn't. He's telling me that he won't be my doctor anymore because I missed 2 appointments. But he wishes me luck in the future. Very good of him, isn't it? What an asshole. His office is 63 miles from my house. Now I'm going to have to find another in the same town (I think there's another) or go even further to see a doctor. Keep in mind that I'm having a hard time getting myself to go to the damn appointments in the first place. Mainly because of my fucked up sleep patterns, and migraines, and my incredible need to avoid going anywhere and talking to anyone (even though I try my best to make these appointments, they are the most important thing). When I miss appointments, I don't get some of my meds, so I run out. Which of course makes the situation worse. This is the state of psychiatric care. The doctor isn't concerned, he's getting rid of me. And by the way, my medicare only covers 50% of my psychiatrist visits, but it covers 80% of other medical visits. And covers no medicines at all. Well, that's before whatever changes GW made this week in Medicare. So I've been paying (and will continue to pay) for psychiatrist visits out of my $750/month that I get from Social Security. Last week I paid $500 for a new water heater. What will happen next? Problems with the car? That's a given, sooner or later. Without a car I'd be really screwed. Like I've mentioned, I live in a small town in the sticks, everything's a drive. Wal-Mart is 30 miles. Sometimes I really wish I had someone who really gave a damn. If someone would come here for my appointments and drive me there, I'd go. Even half asleep. Even with a migraine. Because they'd be doing the driving, and urging me to go. But there's no one. At least I'm not surrounded with people telling me they love me, yet refusing to help me. Or worse- insulting and threatening at every turn. At least I'm alone. It's better. Will I ever make it over the hump? Get to the point where the medicines have my depression controlled enough that everything everyday is not a huge struggle? Will I ever get adequate care, or will this illness kill me yet? If the medicines were doing their job, I wouldn't have nearly the problems getting to my appointments. Currently I'm not any more depressed than usual. I have been awake since 4 yesterday afternoon, and am very sleepy. I don't know if this is going to get me down or not. I never do know what's going to affect me or how much. But I'm really unimpressed with the doctor. He always has been a cold one. It's so hard to find a good psychiatrist, really. I'm not just saying that because of this incident, I've said it for years. Even they don't all understand mental illness. Nobody does. Oddly enough, I was told by someone just the other day, about a good psychiatrist in a town about 70 miles away. They say he specializes in Bipolar, and that he really helped them. My diagnosis isn't even definitely bipolar, it's bipolar II or major depression. I don't know if he'll even agree to see me. And if he's as good as they say, chances are he's already got plenty of patients. But I'll call him and see what happens. Maybe this will finally be a turning point for the better. It could happen, right? And let me say again that I'm not complaining about Social Security Disability. I can't work and without my monthly check, I'd undoubtedly be dead. Living in the street, don't think I'd last long like that. But who knows? I'm not complaining, I'm very happy that I have it, I know I'm fortunate to have it. But I'm using this diary to tell about my life with depression, and these financial struggles are definitely part of it. The way people get some help, but not all the help they need. And everyone should be aware of how these things really work. These are the same struggles that the elderly in America are going through, except they don't have the potential for rehabilitation that I theoritically have. What if I could be treated well enough that I could go back to work? That would get me off disability. Rather than living off American taxpayers, I'd be in their ranks again. Is it not worth the extra cost of getting people completely on their feet instead of paying for them to live, struggling, for years and years? And this doesn't just pertain to me, but what about all the women on welfare? What if we gave them an education and really got them on their feet rather than just threatening them, like now. What about all their children who are being raised on the taxpayers dollar? What are they learning? There are those who will never do well, and I may or may not be one of them, but how can we know? I'll tell you what else, if you think keeping people dependent and struggling isn't affecting the crime rate in this country, you're wrong. There's the financial factor, but there's also the self-esteem factor, and the resentment factor. When people can take care of themselves, they have pride and confidence. Ok, the last paragraph is just me going off on one of my soapboxes. Making a little too much sense for our beloved politicians who love to fuck away all our money rather than be responsible and intelligent about spending it. That's not likely to change as long as humans walk the earth. I think I'm going to get a nap pretty soon here. I'm really sleepy.
A Woman Alone
Friday, Dec. 12, 2003
2:03 p.m.
I've just finished washing yet another 2 day's worth of dirty dishes. I'm also quite nauseted. I ate today, which I hadn't done for a few days. I hate being nauseated. I suppose everyone does. Raise your hand if you like being nauseated. Now tell everyone staring at you to mind their own damn business. I slept today between noon and 4pm, before that I don't remember when I slept. I can barely concentrate right now. Did you ever feel like you don't belong in/to this world? I have.
I read something online yesterday, a woman said she's not capable of loving other human beings, except her son. I have often wondered if I'm capable of loving others. I guess it all depends on your description of "love."
Love requires action. When you love someone, you're willing to DO for that person. You're willing to give of yourself for that person. Doing is not my strong point. Does it count that you would do if you could? but you can't? In all fairess and honesty to me, there are things that I do for others, it's just not nearly as much as I'd like to or think I should.
A Woman Alone
Friday, Dec. 12, 2003
4:06 a.m.
I love reading other people's diary's. I love trying to understand people and why they do the things they do, and how they think about life. I have always been interested in this. These online diaries are an amazing peek into someone else's head. They're great. Some other diaries also give a peek into travels, and other aspects of life I haven't experienced. They bring me into a world I otherwise wouldn't have seen. I wish I knew of more of these. Thanks to all you bloggers out there sharing your experiences with the world.
A Woman Alone
Thursday, Dec. 11, 2003
7:43 p.m.
I'm frustrated with my effort to record my dreams. I realize that when I sleep, I do dream (of course, we all do), and I remember them at first. This time right after I wake, when I remember the dream, is a real nice time. I'm dreamy and half asleep and often am trying to continue the dream, I don't want to let it go. I don't want to ruin the moment, so I don't move, I just lay there and revel in the feeling. Hell, I don't have a whole lot of nice things happening most days, and I hate to ruin one when it comes along. That's why I haven't been writing them down. Of course, they dissapear completely from my memory very quickly. Hmmmm, maybe a tape recorder by the bed? I was only out of bed for 35 minutes earlier. I got up again just after midnight. I feel crappy, but more awake. I washed a few of the dishes. Maybe I'll eat something in a while. Maybe I'll even take a bath! I really love the feeling of being clean.
A Woman Alone
Wednesday, Dec. 10, 2003
1:05 a.m.
I just got out of bed, I'm half asleep. I've been in bed since about 4 this morning. I spent the day laying in a half awake dreamy state, dozing off and on. I got up mainly to take my medicines and some aspirin. My head is hurting, my body is also sore. I haven't bathed in days. My hair is gross and greasy. This past week, I haven't had any interest in talking to anyone I know, but have been talking to men online. Flirting mostly. I wish I could sleep the rest of my life away. I've been spending a lot of my awake time reading romance stories online. I don't usually have much interest in romance stories. The dishes in the sink have been there for 2 days now. My head hurts and my body hurts. And I want someone to hold me. I wish I could sleep the rest of my life away.
A Woman Alone
Tuesday, Dec. 09, 2003
6:37 p.m.
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The Most Horrible Possibility Ever
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I was talking to someone yesterday about suicide. They said the most horrible thing ever. What if depression follows you even after this life? WHAT! That can't happen. Can it? I was telling him how my depression feels like a big bad guy who lives in my head- completely without my permission!! and won't go away. And how suicide might end up being the only way to escape his clutches. So he says that ridiculous statement about the big bad guy following me! But I know that depression is a physical illness, is caused by body chemistry that's not normal. So that would be restricted to this body. But since we don't know what happens after we die, we don't know if certain things follow us around until we defeat them. And it seems to me like a real possibility. Now, why this fellow wants to destroy my only peace of mind, knowing I can end this nightmare whenever I choose to, is beyond me. People suck.
A Woman Alone
Sunday, Dec. 07, 2003
5:00 p.m.
My oldest son was born 20 years ago, yesterday. After a long night and day of labor pains, which I endured all alone (no family, no friends, all alone- there is an actual reason for the title of this diary) at the age of 19, and it being 2 weeks after my due date, he was born around 6pm in New Orleans, LA, where I laid in a ward with several other women in labor, at the big Charity Hospital on Tulane. While it doesn't seem like yesterday, it damn sure doesn't seem like 20 years. Wow. Time flies. Although he doesn't talk to me currently, I am proud of him. He's gorgeous, graduated high school (which I never did), hasn't fathered any children (which I had by his age- mothered, duh), doesn't take drugs (yep, I also did that), has a steady job. He's still not sure where he's going, but he's doing fine. There's time. I busted my butt for this boy, to be the best Mom I could be, and still cry when I talk about it because I didn't do well enough to suit myself. But I damn sure tried, and I love him, and I pray for him every day.
A Woman Alone
Friday, Dec. 05, 2003
6:20 p.m.
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my stuff
