A Woman Alone

Now my neck is all tense and hurts, too.

I got up and took some benedryl and aspirin and ibuprofin and I sincerely hope it puts me to sleep. Sometimes laying down just makes the darn things worse.

A Woman Alone
October 14, 2003
3:18 a.m.

Shopping

I wrote some things in my last entry that are very difficult for me to do. When I say "I don't like to talk to anyone," or "I don't want to go anywhere," what I mean is that it's very very difficult for me to do. I have to force myself to do it, and often am miserable the whole time. I do have a hard time describing the feelings and emotions and the whole experience of being depressed in words. I am going to try harder from now on to better express what I mean. I just started this effort, I will have to learn and improve as I go along.

It is definitely my goal to be able to express it so you can have some understanding of it even if you have never experienced it.

It's like there are two of me in here. Me, who is basically positive, and the depression, which is very negative and very strong and relentless. The mindset of depression is entirely different than normal. The whole world looks entirely different, it's all gray and foggy. The meanings of everything is different, it's hard to find a good reason to do anything. The simple concept of going to the store for groceries goes from something that has to be done, so you do it- no big deal; to something that makes me very uncomfortable because just leaving the house makes me uncomfortable, but also the people, I don't want to have to deal with them. I hate the way people can be so thoughtless. They block the whole lane in the parking lot for 15 minutes because they want a spot as close to the door as possible and they're waiting for someone to unload all their groceries and leave. Meanwhile, 3 cars are stuck behind their lazy self. Sometimes I go and I do better than I thought I would, and I am friendly and patient. Other times I am just very irritated and impatient, but I still try to be outwardly decent. Maybe the biggest part is getting up and leaving the house, the MOTIVATION issue, the force of will required to overpower the lack of motivation.

When I am feeling good and positive, I can say to myself "let's go, no excuses" and get myself out of the house. I exercise and run errands and even if they're difficult for me, I do them with a positive "go get 'em" sort of attitude. But when I'm down, I can't seem to find that attitude anywhere inside me. All I have is the "who cares?" or "what's the point?" attitude.

I don't think it's fear or anxiety. I don't get a nervous stomach or sweaty palms or whatever. It's more of a dread and a question of whether it's worth the effort or not.

I look at people in the store. Most don't make eye contact. Some do and give a fake smile (which I also frequently give). It's much less common to see a real smile, and that always makes me smile, too.

I have a real love/hate relationship with "people" as you will see as I write this blog. I am very interested in psychology and human behavior. I have plenty of ideas about the society we live in. I'm not sure how much this will enter my blog since I am trying to make it all about the depression aspect of my life.

I have been kind of teary these past few days. I cry for stupid stuff on TV. Can't help it. I hate it. It's stupid.

A Woman Alone
October 13, 2003
1:03 a.m.

Breathing

I got my very first comment on my new blog yesterday! It caused me to realize that I didn't have the comments set up correctly. I had to get on the Haloscan website and figure out how to fix them (which I did). While there I saw they have pages of templates that the members have uploaded. I started looking through those and found one that I really liked, except for the color of the links. I figured out how to get the code, I know how to change the color, but the template has to be a .css file. How the heck am I going to get one of those?? I looked around the net, downloaded a small, free program, entered the whole page of code, selected "save as....css" and amazingly it worked. I then had to upload it to the Haloscan website, and presto~chango I have a nice looking template for my comments.

I have spent hours and hours on this blog already. I looked around the different hosting sites, looked around template sites, looked around at lots and lots of blogs! I found a template I really liked (this one) and had to change a few things to make it mine. This has been slow work because I don't know html! So I change something and see what happened to the page. Change something else and see what happened to the page. Over and over and over again. It's been fun, though, and interesting, and of course I have learned a little html in the process.

I have also been looking at the webrings. There is one for depression and one for bipolar here on Diaryland. Both are very full of anyone and everyone who wanted to join. They both also have lots of dead links. Since this seems to be the only way to find others with similar interests here on diaryland, I wanted to make a diaryring that's more selective. So I did. It's comical the ways I cheat and guess to create the code, but I did it! Then, it took me nearly forever to get the darn thing to be in the center of my webpage entry rather than on the left.

As I have mentioned, I get Social Security Disability because I can't work. How do I spend my days? Largely on the internet. There is so much to do and read and see and learn. My moods vary (always), and I'll do whatever the mood of the moment says I should. I also do some photo editing on my computer, and create my own cross stitch patterns, and other stuff such as that.

Off the computer I usually do something creative such as cross stitch or crochet or whatever strikes my fancy. I can't stand to sit still with unbusy hands and mind.

I am very inactive. I don't even keep the house as clean as I'd like to, don't keep up with repairs as I'd like to. Don't get out and walk as I'd like to. The ME part of me wants to do these things, but the Depression says no. I have very little energy. The worst is the motivation. Depression takes away my motivation. It makes me not care.

Maybe that's it's great strength- that it gets you at your motivation. If I were motivated, I could fight it much more effectively, and that would undoubtedly change my life for the better. I did fight it for years, I had young children I was raising alone, and they were my motivation. I was fighting it for years before I knew what I was fighting. I became, and remain, so sick and tired of fighting and struggling all the time. So I quit.

It easily could have killed me, and in a way it did. Often I feel like I'm just breathing until I stop; not living, but waiting. I don't do anything. I don't talk to anyone. What effect am I having on the world? What am I doing here?

I wear clothes that I've had for years. I wear them until they wear out. Sometimes I keep wearing them after that. After all, who's here to see me? The neighbors? I don't care.

I often live on popcorn and butter, noodles and butter, bread and butter. I will eat that for a week or two because I don't want to go to the store, and that's all that's left. Then I run out of that, and have to go get some food. I don't like going anywhere, and I don't like going to the darn store. I just want to stay here alone. But I'm hungry. It takes pretty strong motivation for me to go anywhere. When I am hungry enough, I will go.

I have a couple of important phone calls to make. I need a new doctor's appointment to make up for the one I missed Wednesday, and I need to call SS for proof of my income so I can get some psych meds. I also put off phone calls, and I never answer the phone. I have an answering machine. If they want to talk to me, they will leave a message. I don't like to talk to anyone. So I put off making phone calls.

I have two "friends." Neither of whom I have laid eyes on in well over a month. One of whom I've seen twice in the past year and a half. She lives about 6 miles away. The other one I know from the library, where she works. We have planned social things together, but have never followed through with them (not always my fault). I recently cancelled a plan with her, and I hate that so much that I'm not going to even plan anything with anyone else any more, unless I get feeling pretty good most of the time. She talks to me via e-mail. The other friend talks to me once in a while via e-mail and occasionally on messenger, and rarely I will even call her. She doesn't call me anymore, I never answer the phone.

I do love that the computer allows me to socialize without having to speak. I don't like to speak. And without having to dress, bathe, leave the house. It also lets me communicate when I want to, rather than having someone else decide the time for me. If not for the internet, I'd be even more isolated than I am.

This is not a life I have chosen. Why would anyone choose this? It's the life I have, and within the framework of that, I do make choices. I have learned (as the serenity prayer suggests) to accept what I cannot change and change what I can. There is a lot of peace in accepting, there was a lot of turmoil in fighting. Turmoil and sadness.

I feel very fortunate and blessed to have what I have. I have lived in my car, which I will eventually get around to telling you about. Living in a car and without income gives you a great appreciation of a bed, bathtub, refridgerator, stove. I won't ever forget that I can't make my own way right now, and the taxpayers are supporting me, and I am very appreciative for it.

A Woman Alone
October 11, 2003
12:23 p.m.

Skin Picking

Today I'm going to talk about another thing that I do, that I only recently discovered is a disorder that's fairly common. From what I've read about it, my case is a little bit different.

I'm talking about Compulsive Skin Picking. Who knew? I started off with a disorder that I think is called Atopic Dermatitis. This causes little bumps on the skin, I think they are hair follicles. The bumps normally are skin color, non-tender, and closed. They really aren't a problem, just kind of a weird thing. However, I pick at mine creating little open sores all over, some get infected, but they clear up quickly with cleansing and antibiotic ointment.

I pick at myself mainly on my arms, but I also pick my legs, stomach, and breasts. I pick any acne I get on my face and neck, too. But on my face and neck, I usually don't create sores where there were none. I also pick leg hairs with tweezers. That started because I was trying to stop, and I thought I could satisfy my urge to pick without making little sores all over myself. Well, it works if that's all I do, but I usually dig out the hairs that are creating little black spots. So I make little sores there, too.

So, these little sores are pretty ugly, and I'm sure it causes people to keep their distance. I would keep my distance from someone if they had them. You don't know what they have all over them! This is really not a problem for me because I am very isolated and I like to be alone, and this just helps.

my forearm

Sometimes, when I do feel better, and have a desire to spend time with others, I will try to stop, and haven't been able to. It's like an addiction. I do it more when I'm stressed (and it doesn't take much for me to be stressed). So it has caused me grief, and will again if I ever get well enough that I want to be around people.

I say that I may be different because it seems that in many people this disorder is related to excessive concern about how they look. It also seems they concentrate on their faces. I do it the least on my face, and I am not especially concerned about how I look. I really believe that's because I'd prefer people just stay away.

This "Compulsive Skin Picking" is related to Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, which is something I have not been diagnosed as having, ever. I have had some doctors say "you may be a little compulsive." I do tend to get onto something (like making a new blog) and I do it for hours and hours, all day, to the exclusion of everything else. I have not researched this very much, so this is about the end of what I know about it.

For people with mental disorders, it's very comforting to know that others have the same thing. The fact that other people have the same group of symptoms means that this truly is a real disease, and you're not just losing your mind. The people around us will often tell us to just "cut it out;" "get out of the house, it will be good for you;" "stop being so lazy;" "what the hell are you thinking?" And we don't know why we don't just cut it out, we are certainly trying to just cut it out.

October 13, 2003- To better describe the picking... When I am picking at myself, I go into a trance. I am not thinking about the picking, although I am intensely looking at every square millimeter of my arm and picking anything pickable. I am not listening to the TV or anything else. I am not aware of the passage of time. I am thinking about stuff. Weird and pointless stuff, nothing profound or important. My mind just wanders. When I am stressed, I can do this literally for hours, looking and looking for something to pick at. I don't realize how long it's been until I look around at the room I'm in.

The times I have tried to stop have been motivated by the desire to be with others. I don't want to gross them out by all these little sores, so I try to stop. The longest I have been able to stop has been 3 days, then the urge is too strong to resist. Sometimes I can do it less than usual, giving the sores a chance to heal, but that is always ruined when I have something stressful on my mind. Ironically, the stress often comes from my interactions with others!

A Woman Alone
October 09, 2003
10:12 p.m.