A Woman Alone

Sometimes a hot, candlelit bubblebath will work. There is something I do where I focus on each part of my body and try to relax it completely and make it heavy, beginning with my feet. I will concentrate on one foot until it's relaxed, and go up my body. I sometimes try to "breathe out" the tension with each exhale. If you have any good relaxation techniques, I'd like to hear about them (comments, at the end of this entry), this is a frequent problem for me.

I missed my doctor's appointment today. I got up at 11a and was just so sleepy that I was back in bed by 12p. Now I'll have to call for another appointment. This doctor is the one who can (maybe) get me the cholesterol, hypertension, and diabetes medicine that I need. Once I see him, I imagine there will be yet another appointment with the department that runs the program (that helps buy people's medicines). So I know that I have just delayed getting my medicines- again.

Unfortunately, this is typical of me. When I do things that I consider wrong/bad/negative it knocks down my self esteem just a little more.

Interestingly, my self esteem has grown somewhat in recent years. As I work through what is my disease and what is me, I see that I am doing all I can, and some things are out of my control.

What's under my control has been a hard lesson for me to learn. In my family, guilt is passed down from generation to generation. I held the weight of the world on my shoulders until just a few years ago when I finally became aware that I was doing it. Once aware that something is out of my control, there's no reason to beat myself up for it. I can let it go. I am not irresponsible, I am very realistic and try to be impartial in my assessments.

Let me introduce you to one of my very favorite prayers:

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

If you are able to distinguish what you can control from what you can't, then you're 3/4 of the way there.

One thing you can't control is other people's choices. This is where we spend tons of time kicking ourselves, as if what someone else does is our fault. Frequently they will tell us it's our fault. You have to be able to be rational about this. What they did was their own choice whether they accept responsibility or not. You refuse to carry that burden on your own shoulders.

If you determine something is out of your control then you must accept it, or live in chronic unhappiness over it. You can't change it, there's nothing you can do. Are you going to let it keep you upset forever? Or will you make the effort to choose not to let it bother you, by accepting that's just the way it is?

If you determine something is within your control then you must decide what you're going to do about it. Then do it.

I know there are those who don't understand why I'm talking about this. These things seem pretty obvious and basic to you. Consider yourself lucky for your healthy thought pattern. Many many people suffer with this, whether they are depressed or not. For the depressed, these issues take on huge significance, they are overwhelming, and we suffer so much. The very depressed person feels emotions many times more intensely than normal.

Changing subjects...
I have been diagnosed Depressed, and diagnosed Bipolar II, at different times. I don't know which one is accurate. I have absolutely been severely and moderately depressed for years. I have never been manic. Bipolar II is an illness where the manic phases are "hypomanic," which means "less than manic." There have been a few times when I believe I could have been hypomanic. But I don't know for sure.

I mention this to help you understand the diagnoses, and also to explain that I will not talk about what it's like to be manic because I don't know.

A Woman Alone
October 08, 2003
4:58 p.m.

My Biggest Problem, My Biggest Fear

I am disabled by my depression. I live on checks from Social Security Disability. My checks are $827/mo., but they take out money to repay my student loan, so I get $750/mo. I can't work. I don't have any family to help me. This is what I live on.

I do pretty well with my $750/mo. I have a mobile home of my own, a 13yr. old car that runs good, TV (antenna only), VCR, washer, dryer (doesn't get hot), an old refridgerator that works fine, air conditioner and fans, need to buy some heaters pretty soon because running the furnace every winter is costing me way too much. I have my second-hand computer, and dial-up internet access.

I am not able to buy all my medicines. There are programs here and there to help. I am getting my psych meds through the companies that make them, through my doctor. I buy Synthroid and Tenormin. I have been buying some others, but my new doctor took me off some and put me on some different ones. I am supposed to take medicine for diabetes, cholesterol, and another for hypertension, but I don't have the money to get them. I am hoping to get on yet another program to help me get those medicine. In fact, I go to that doctor tomorrow.

I see two doctors. I have a medicine doctor at the local charity hospital for my medical conditions which I just mentioed, and I see a psychiatrist. I have seen a psychiatrist every month for years now. My old psychiatrist retired in May 2003, so I have a new doctor now. He says when he gets me feeling better, he will see me less often. For now, it's every month.

My new doctor's office is 65 miles away. I have to buy gas for the car, and I have to pay him (although it's only $30 per visit, that adds up to less grocery money). My new doctor is only in the office before noon each day. This is a problem because I usually can't fall asleep until early morning hours, which means I am usually sleeping during late morning hours. So it's kind of like going in the middle of the night, as far as my sleep pattern goes.

Fortunately, my appointment tomorrow with the medicine doctor is in the afternoon. And he is only 20 miles away.

One of my biggest problems, maybe the biggest, is that I hate leaving the house. I don't have panic attacks and I'm not scared. I don't have much energy, I don't like being around people, and a lot of times I'm tired because I didn't sleep much. It takes a lot of motivation for me to go out anywhere.

I often miss appointments with my medical doctor because I don't feel well enough to go. Also, I have to have lab work done a week before appointments with him, and that's in the morning, so if I don't get the lab work done, there's no point in seeing the doctor. I got the lab work done about 6 weeks ago, and missed the appointment, so this is a make-up appointment. So was the one before this, and the one before that.

I probably won't miss appointments with my psychiatrist because he only gives me a month's worth of medicine at a time. If I want more medicine, I have to go to his office and get it. One of my biggest fears is running out of medicine. Without medicine I am suicidally depressed, and won't get out of bed, and I'm afraid I would never get back to the doctor's office if I get like that again. I have no family or friends to help.

I do not ever, ever want to be depressed like that again. It's a living Hell. I tell myself that if I ever get like that again, I really am going to kill myself. And I just might. What stops me is the belief that suicide will get you sent to Hell for all eternity. My logic tells me that if Hell is a worse place than Earth, I don't much want to be there forever. This belief may or may not be true, but it works for me. There have been days when it's the only thing that has saved me.

I don't really want to die, you see, I really want to feel better. And even in the worst of times I have had the awareness that things could get better. Also I have reason to believe that God still wants me here, and I want to do what God wants of me.

I am not really a pessimist, gossip, complainer. I am a positive person. I haven't always been, but I am now. I have learned that looking at the bad side of things makes me and everyone around me unhappy, so why do it?? What a waste of life. (Not that I'm spending my life so well these days, but there are things I can control and things I can't.) Admittedly I am a cynic and have only limited trust at first. I am also a realist and I try to have an open mind.

The point of that is Depression is not me. Depression is an invader in my mind, a big, powerful, relentless invader. It crushes me and takes over me. But it is not me.

Mental Disorders in America Mental disorders are common in the United States and internationally. An estimated 22.1 percent of Americans ages 18 and older�about 1 in 5 adults�suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year.1 When applied to the 1998 U.S. Census residential population estimate, this figure translates to 44.3 million people. 2 In addition, 4 of the 10 leading causes of disability in the U.S. and other developed countries are mental disorders-major depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and obsessive-compulsive disorder. 3 Many people suffer from more than one mental disorder at a given time. In the U.S., mental disorders are diagnosed based on the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fourth edition (DSM-IV). 4 Depressive Disorders Depressive disorders encompass major depressive disorder, dysthymic disorder, and bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder is included because people with this illness have depressive episodes as well as manic episodes. Approximately 18.8 million American adults, 5 or about 9.5 percent of the U.S. population age 18 and older in a given year, 1 have a depressive disorder. Nearly twice as many women (12.0 percent) as men (6.6 percent) are affected by a depressive disorder each year. These figures translate to 12.4 million women and 6.4 million men in the U.S. 5 Depressive disorders may be appearing earlier in life in people born in recent decades compared to the past.6 Depressive disorders often co-occur with anxiety disorders and substance abuse. 7 Major Depressive Disorder Major depressive disorder is the leading cause of disability in the U.S. and established market economies worldwide. 3 Major depressive disorder affects approximately 9.9 million American adults,5 or about 5.0 percent of the U.S. population age 18 and older in a given year. 1 Nearly twice as many women (6.5 percent) as men (3.3 percent) suffer from major depressive disorder each year. These figures translate to 6.7 million women and 3.2 million men. 5 While major depressive disorder can develop at any age, the average age at onset is the mid-20s. 4 Dysthymic Disorder Symptoms of dysthymic disorder (chronic, mild depression) must persist for at least 2 years in adults (1 year in children) to meet criteria for the diagnosis. Dysthymic disorder affects approximately 5.4 percent of the U.S. population age 18 and older during their lifetime. 1 This figure translates to about 10.9 million American adults. 5 About 40 percent of adults with dysthymic disorder also meet criteria for major depressive disorder or bipolar disorder in a given year. 1 Dysthymic disorder often begins in childhood, adolescence, or early adulthood. 4 Bipolar Disorder Bipolar disorder affects approximately 2.3 million American adults, 5 or about 1.2 percent of the U.S. population age 18 and older in a given year. 1 Men and women are equally likely to develop bipolar disorder. 5 The average age at onset for a first manic episode is the early 20s. 4 Suicide In 2000, 29,350 people died by suicide in the U.S.8 More than 90 percent of people who kill themselves have a diagnosable mental disorder, commonly a depressive disorder or a substance abuse disorder. 9 The highest suicide rates in the U.S. are found in white men over age 85. 8 In 2000, suicide was the 3rd leading cause of death among 15 to 24 year olds. 8 Four times as many men as women die by suicide; 8 however, women attempt suicide 2-3 times as often as men. 10 -National Institute for Mental Health

I thought I would begin with some statistics. Many people suffer with depression every day. It's an illness that other people can't see unless they are really looking. It makes the person wonder what's wrong with them, they don't understand why they can't behave as they usually do.

I'm going to share my story. There will be a lot of going back to what's already happened, as well as keeping up with what's happening now. My main goal is to educate the public about how it feels to be mentally ill, there are a lot of misconceptions out there.

A Woman Alone
October 07, 2003
10:04 p.m.