A Woman Alone

I wrote a short letter to my sister saying that I wasn't up to responding to the long letter she wrote, but just wanted her to know that I will write when I feel better. Of course she'll assume this means something it doesn't. But if I had responded to her long letter, it would have come out similar to this one, and I didn't want that.

Anyway, this is pretty much my style. Ahhhhh... more clues as to why AWA is alone.

Straight forward, no bullshit. Cut the crap. Although it can be done with a bit more tact. The fact is I'm pissed that she is throwing around accusations with no actual proof of what she's saying. I find it quite rude and unnecessary. Another fact is that I don't give a damn if she wants to be friends or not. If I did, I would have written a nicer letter. But I don't. Why? Because I have no room in my life for people who are going to act this way, that's why. Stop it or go away.

Her first line is accusatory and unfounded, her last line is that she's sorry for misunderstandings "on both sides." It seems to me that if she were sorry, she wouldn't still be throwing around accusations. Am I wrong?? And that "on both sides" crap means she's not taking responsibility. I don't think I'm misunderstanding her accusations. Am I? Does she not accuse me of only wanting to speak to her if she joins my websites? If I am misunderstanding that, do let me know. She calls herself unsophisticated, but does it in a way that it's as if that's what I said (or thought, or implied). I never called her any ugly names, I never indicated I thought she was anything less than an average person. Some people are not as familiar with the internet as others, some don't catch on as quickly as others. I don't think anything bad about them, therefore I'm positive I never said anything bad about it. Furthermore, I don't generally go around calling people names. I chose to completely leave it alone, as you can see. To respond to it would mean defending myself against having called her (or implied that she's) "unsophisticated."

What's with those two paragraphs in the middle about genealogy information? That wasn't discussed in the first letters of this little "misunderstanding." I don't appreciate her telling me she has stuff she's not going to share. She says she knows for a fact that **** was born in assumption parish. I never said he wasn't. I don't get it. This is coming from out of nowhere. The only reason I can think of that she even put it in there is to let me know she has stuff she isn't going to share. A rude little dig. Notice I left that alone entirely, too.

I wish I had the first letter she wrote and my response to it. I responded and was disgusted and deleted the darn letter. I looked for it in my e-mail trash can, but it's gone.

When I responded to that letter, I did care that she was upset, and I was trying to be nice. It's not nasty like the one I have posted here. I deleted her info from my site, I deleted the photos she sent, I even deleted the people from my own database so I wouldn't accidentally give out the information! And I get more unfounded accusations. Well, for me, once is pushing it, and twice is enough. This is NOT going to become a habit.

I did ask what she was upset about, notice she still doesn't say. And I really don't know. If she never saw the people she told me about (the 112) and she doesn't care about the photos (which I did credit to her, I used her initials so as not to disclose her identity, which is my habit online with any individual who has not given me permission to publish their name- but it does say that someone gave me this info and I would assume a person would recognize their own initials), then what is she upset about?? Really? Is she upset that I put my own information online? I don't know, she doesn't say. That's what I sort of suspect, since I'm entirely confused. It's all I can think of that makes sense.

Her Name,

I have never told you that if you want to talk to me you have to go to my websites. I have tried to be very friendly with you. I haven't written in a while due to lack of response on your part, and it's not like there's so much to talk about. And when is the last time you wrote to me?

I have only tried to explain websites to you in an effort to help you understand them, as you seemed to be interested. I don't really care if you ever look at or go to any website, mine or anyone else's.

You say you never saw any 112 names, and you don't care if I post the photos you sent without giving you any credit. That just leaves me wondering what in the hell you're so upset about. Maybe before claiming I spread your information all over the internet and you're upset about it, you could have actually seen something I put on the internet that came from you? Just a (rational) thought...

I find you're accusatory and you don't know your facts. I won't be defending myself against whatever made up bullshit you want to send my way. You want to be upset? be upset. I haven't done anything to make you upset, and I tried to correct the only things I could think of. I have deleted any information you gave me from my online information entirely. I won't be giving it out to anyone. In fact I deleted the 112 people from my software database just to be sure. I won't be publishing the photos you sent.

You want to think I somehow only want to talk to you if you join my websites? That's your business. You have no valid reason to think that, since I have never said or implied that, but you can make up any thing that makes you happy. It's not going to be my problem.

I offered to put you on there as a researcher of the **** name. Please tell me of what benefit that might be to me?? That was an effort to help other researchers and you connect. If you don't want to, that's entirely up to you. I simply asked. Rather than throwing around ugly and unfounded accusations, you might have simply said "no thank you." But again, your response is your choice. Many people in genealogy actually WANT to connect with others researching the same lines. Many also want their names online with contact information for that very reason. I didn't ASSUME you wanted to be there, I asked, and offered you a place on my site.

Now in conclusion, This is the last defense you're going to hear from me. Whether or not you send more accusations is your business. If you do, they will go unacknowledged.

If you are truly sorry for the "misunderstanding" as you claim, you are welcome to maintain correspondence with me, you will find me receptive to polite and respectful, and rational letters. The offer to put your information on my site, however, is permanantly recinded.

My Name

----Original Message Follows----

After going through all my copies of our earlier correspondence find I have not heard from you since you told me if I wanted to correspond with you to go to your 1st My Family Page and them MSN. With all of your instructions I could not navigate through that stuff. The same with your new WEBSITE. I did not see any 112 names I guess I am not sophisticated enough.

I do know for a fact that **** was born in Assumption Parish. I have a picture of his Mother (****) setting on the porch of their home. **** and all her children were born there. The house was located **** on Hwy. 1. I also have an article about her stating the above facts.

**** purchased the land from the ****s. I have a copy of the transactions which has my Great-grandfathers signature.

Now in conclusion, I don't care if you put the pictures on your Website. I do not need credit. They are you grandparents.

Sorry for the misunderstanding on both sides.

Her Name

I know that I'm not going to continue to play this accuse-me game. So it was time to let her know clearly. Do you think she knows now?

And by the way, this is what we do with online genealogy- when you share your info, you expect that others will use it in their research! Duh. It's not that I did anything unusual, or that everyone else isn't doing, or anything she wouldn't have expected me to do.

Well, I have been truthful about this whole situation with you. I have told you what I am seeing and responding to and why. If you think I am misunderstanding her, please do let me know. I realize you probably think I'm being hard on her, but that's because most people would play this accuse-defend-accuse-defend game longer than I'm willing to play. Or would you play it forever? If so, why? In the past I would have. In the past I would have accepted all the guilt and responsibility for her unhappiness, and would have never given up on trying to appease her. But I have learned better. I will gladly be responsible for what's rightly my responsibility, but I now look at things CLEARLY and with my eyes wide open. I did ask her why she's upset, I did try to remedy it. I'm not going to carry around some guilt for something I didn't do on purpose, that I tried to fix, and that she won't even clearly spell out. If she does give me something specific, I will try to correct it.

As usual, I'm frustrated. This time because I didn't want sparks between us. We were never close, but that doesn't mean I want people thinking I used them, or feeling upset that they shared their information with me. You know? I don't want to go around getting people upset. I really don't. And why not? I'm not getting anything out of the deal, and I don't give a damn if she ever talks to me or visits my site ever again. Really. But I just care in general about people. We have so much grief, why make more for each other?? I have a definition of myself (as we all do), and mine says that I am nice, that I care about hurting others, that I do my best not to.

Sometimes I feel like I come from another planet. Why do I have such trouble with other people? I have huge problems with people from individuals to societies to the whole damn world population. Do we all feel like that sometimes? Or am I so different? And yet, I am confident in my skills at assessing clearly what's going on. She is definitely putting guilt on me, playing a game with me. She is not being clear and honest. And I'm sure I'm not going to play games with anyone else ever again, hence the quick brakes I have put on this situation. If she does respond in a honest and clear and respectful manner, I will respond kindly. I really will. It's the bullshit I seek to stop.

A Woman Alone
Monday, Mar. 01, 2004
6:32 p.m.

Car Movies

There's lots of issues out there, and I have opinions on most, like everyone else. This is one I don't hear anyone talking about but it bugs the hell out of me.

Why do we need movies in our cars??

Don't we spend enough time sitting there staring at these things without putting them in the cars!

Here we have an opportunity to see something beyond the four walls of our homes and workplaces. An opportunity to experience other people and other things. Here the children have the opportunity to see something new and different. But we're going to shove a movie in their face so they don't look out the window, but stare at the screen!!

I'm not surprised this is catching on because I have little faith in humanity. I think it's a very stupid idea and nobody should think anything else. Why? Why would you want your kids to see more movies (or the same movie for the 50th time) when there is an actual world outside?? I can't think of a single good reason. It's just amazing to me.

I recently saw a commercial where a bunch of couples are all parked and watching movies in their cars, kinda like the drive in theaters except each car has it's own micro screen. Is anyone really being tempted by this commercial to run out and buy a car with movies?? WHY?? Even if I am going to spend my time watching movies, I'd rather be at home where I can wear pajamas and stretch out and see the screen without squinting. It's just ridiculous.

Anyone else even care about this issue? I realize it's not our president spending our money and sending our children around the world for no good reason, putting them in danger. But guess what? WE are putting them in danger! The parents are turning their children's brains into mashed potatoes. That can't be good for them, can it??

The reason these things upset and frustrate me is because I don't think people are so stupid, I think they CHOOSE NOT TO THINK and therefore act like idiots. It's not that they can't, it's that they won't. They accept things too readily without analyzing them. That goes the other way, too- they reject things too readily without analyzing them. It's the same thing either way- lack of actual thought.

And I do believe it's harmful to the children to be constantly deprived of real life in favor of movies or tv. And I do believe that what's harmful for our children is harmful for our society.

But guess what? WTF do I care? I'm not going to participate, and it won't be my children's brains becoming mashed potatoes. Hey, this will probably benefit them- less competition for jobs that require thought. Actually, that's not going to kick in for a generation or two.

This is just me watching "people" make another stupid choice as a group. I don't like to see it because I care about "people" and where we are going and where we are. It's frustrating to see it and have no power over it, and that's why I usually try to stay out of politics and all this stuff. What's the point of being frustrated over things you have no control over? I want to tell people WAKE UP! But the more I try to tell them, the more they refuse to think, they are so determined to be right. I obviously don't have the gift of persuasion.

Anybody with any opinion on the subject??

A Woman Alone
Sunday, Feb. 29, 2004
4:41 p.m.

Upset Genealogy Lady Strikes Again.

The lady who was so upset that I "spread" her information "all over the internet" and made it look like I "did all that work in a couple of years" when she spent many years doing the research, wrote back today.

She says she doesn't care if I put her photos online, and she doesn't "need" any credit, whatever that means.

That's all I had of hers on my site, and she WAS given credit for them.

She says she didn't even see 112 names. I deleted 112 people from my database that came from her information since she was so upset that I had put it online.

So please tell me WTF she was so upset about??

Then she says I haven't written to her since such and sucn a time... Wrong again. I have tried to be friends with this lady, and have made the effort to write to her a lot. Although it has been a long while. I quit because of the lack of response on her part.

Then she talks about some proof she has of this and that- genealogy information. She tells me about some photos she has. Well, I've begged for photos! and documents! She doesn't have to share them if she doesn't want to, but thanks for letting me know you have stuff you're not going to share.

I just don't get it. Wouldn't you learn eventually that you tend to jump to conclusions without even carefully examining the evidence, and wouldn't you eventually learn not to attack people with your false assumtions?? Hasn't this lost her friends in the past? Am I the only person who doesn't appreciate her attacks based on half-ass reading something? And having to defend myself against her made up accusations?

Well, whatever. I don't get it and it's not worth my effort. As usual. I'm sorry she's upset. I'm sorry we can't be friends. I'm not going to constantly defend myself against accusations when she won't even put forth effort to find out if her assumptions are correct before sharing them so rudely with me. And I'm not going to use her information if she's going to get upset about it. And that is because I DO care how others feel. As I said before, I can use it and don't need to give a damn what she thinks about it, I choose not to do things I know get her upset.

I'm not playing fucked up games with people anymore. What am I supposed to do with her? How many of you would be her friend and continue to defend yourself and explain to her again and again that she's jumping to conclusions without assessing the facts? How many of you would decide she's not worth the effort?

I've learned that you CAN'T change other people. So she's not going to see the error of her ways through anything I say to her. I've lost a lot spending time and money and effort trying to help people see the errors of their ways. They don't see anything until they are ready and willing to see it. There's nothing anyone else can do about it.

(neighbor boy has radio blaring again, I think he does it when Mom's not home)

So anyway, you have to take or leave people as they are. I'll write and again defend myself politely, but that will be the end of it unless she stops it.

I always tell people before I abandon them what they're doing. Always. But I'm going to tell once, maybe twice, and that's going to be the end. No chronic efforts to get through their thick heads. And I'm going to tell clearly and unemotionally. No more begging and crying and carrying on.

I do think there are people out there who are mentally healthy and who don't play these stupid head games. Whether or not I'm going to meet them is another question entirely. But as you probably guessed, I don't really care at this point. If God wants it, it will happen. I'm not holding my breath anymore.

I would rather be alone than have "friends" who put no effort into assessing the situation before attacking and accusing, friends whom I have to constantly defend myself against their allegations. Friends who are going to say "yeah, I have something you want, but you can't have it." Am I going to kiss ass and/or beg? No chance.

I'd rather be alone. Being alone is not so bad as some people seem to think. At least not to me. And I don't understand why you'd rather put up with someone's chronic bullshit than just be alone. All they're doing is proving they don't care about you anyway. Talk is cheap. Assess their actions.

A Woman Alone
Saturday, Feb. 28, 2004
11:42 a.m.

Sleepy.

Last night, or early this morning really, I couldn't sleep. I got up and took a benedryl. I got up when the alarm rang at ten am. I was too sleepy to even read e-mail, too sleepy for anything. And very hungry as I'd barely eaten for about three days. Too tired to go get any food. So after a couple of hours, I went to bed.

Then I woke up, still tired. But a little better and in a rather numb state, slowly got dressed and left the house for food. Numb and slow and sleepy. Thank God the sucky local grocery store was open, otherwise it would have been a long trip to Wal Mart. I got some sandwich stuff and chips. That will last a few days. I'm so freakin sleepy. I'm going to try again tonight to sleep and get up by ten am. At least tonight I'm sleepy.

It was after six pm when I went to the store. Too late to get my medicines and too late to make any phone calls. And if I wasn't really hungry, I wouldn't have gone at all.

Sometimes I'm afraid one of the few people I know will see me out like that, and sometimes they do. Can't do much for their opinion of me.

I'm not overly concerned about other people's opinions of me, really. Barely concerned is more accurate. But. It is nice to have a few people who actually like me at least a little. Or to talk to now and then. Mostly then. Well that's all the reasons I can think of right now, but there are reasons why it's nice to have at least a few people who know who the hell I am.

Oh hell, I can't think. Thanks for reading.

A Woman Alone
Friday, Feb. 27, 2004
8:06 p.m.