A Woman Alone

What difference does it make?

Weekdays are days when I can potentially make phone calls and run errands. I usually don't, but I could. If I would get up before 2pm.

Weekdays also offer regular television schedules. I usually put the television on in the afternoon, half way listen to the news. Watch dr. Phil if it's a good subject this day.

I almost always keep the tv on in the evenings. I almost never watch it, though. Just about everything on tv is pointless, boring crap. But the regular schedule gives my day some type of structure, a way of keeping track of the hours going by.

Weekends are times when I don't want to go to Wal Mart since everyone else is there. And the usual tv schedule is interrupted. And even if I get up and feel decent, can't run most errands or make phone calls.

In terms of the date. What does it matter? Not much, except in terms of money. I get money once a month. I have a day to pay my bills, and another day to pay my rent. They are both marked on my calendar, and I get notices when I turn the computer on that day to remind me to pay bills or pay the rent. I have the rent day actually a week before it's due, that gives me several days to actually leave the house and bring it a block up the road to the landlord's house.

I also will usually consider the day of the month and the amount of money I have left before deciding to spend any.

I bought this computer which has me more broke than I've been in a long time and it's not very comfortable for me. I like having money in case I need it. I have had times of absolutely no money and it was no fun. But I really don't want to live without my computer. I use it every day for so many things, and enjoy it so much.

At night, I wouldn't know what time it is without the tv. When Letterman is over, I inevitably think "is it that late already?"

Because of or in spite of or entirely outside of these things, time flies for me. A week goes by like a day. A month goes by like a week. A year goes by like a month. I'm glad of that. But when I put things off (always), I will put them off for a long time because it doesn't seem like a long time to me.

Spring is coming, which usually lifts my spirits. Summer is coming, which means daily lawn mowing, and sweating when doing absolutely nothing. I'm not looking forward to that at all.

This winter has been ok. I've been cold some days because of my decision not to turn on the furnace, but I just accepted that and it's not such a big deal. I'd rather have a computer than be warm. But it's also not such a big deal because I'm in Louisiana, and it hasn't been such a cold winter. I hate being cold. The really cold days this winter have been few and far between.

Well, coffee's ready and that's all about time, anyway. Bye.

A Woman Alone
Wednesday, Feb. 25, 2004
1:49 p.m.

Announcement

I have just looked at the people who list my diary as a favorite for the first time in probably two months.

SO...

I want to thank all of you who have added me! It's nice to be appreciated, means a lot to me.

I feel like I can never say what I mean, or get it to describe the reality. :( I do try, tho. I wish there were less people in the world who can relate.

A Woman Alone
Monday, Feb. 23, 2004
11:50 p.m.

Going to Get Some Chinese Food for Dinner

A Woman Alone
Monday, Feb. 23, 2004
11:17 p.m.

dear diary

A Woman Alone
Monday, Feb. 23, 2004
9:01 p.m.

uh

I'm still very sleepy and wishing I would wake up feeling refreshed for a change. I have some things I'd like to do. And I'm hungry!

A Woman Alone
Sunday, Feb. 22, 2004
9:17 p.m.

Leave me Alone

I'm so sleepy I feel as if I'm drugged. That's how it's been for a few days. But I'm not drugged. I haven't taken anything any different than usual. Can barely keep my eyes open and head up. I'm going to sleep soon.

This is a time when, if anyone were here with me, they would need to leave me alone or get snapped at. Any intrusion into my brain would be quite unwelcome and cut short as quickly and efficiently as possible. I would tell them to just leave me alone, that it's not them, it's me. I just need to be left alone right now.

It's been my experience that most people will not accept this and want to press the issue. This of course is a bad idea when I need to be left alone. They are very stupid and hard headed.

It has been my experience that there are a few who will accept this. They don't understand it, but they accept it. They leave me alone, and I feel better eventually.

I am just so sleepy. I can't think. I can't concentrate. That means I can't do anything that requires concentration. That's a lot of stuff. My usually short patience is pretty much non-existant. It's taking all my energy to be awake right now. No excess for anything else.

OK. I'm glad I wrote this while feeling it. After these different phases pass, it's extremely difficult to put my finger on them, to explain just what they are like. It all gets muddled up with everything else in my head. I'm going to bed now.

A Woman Alone
Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
12:56 p.m.