A Woman Alone

I've been spending time looking online for stuff to do around, most of which I'm already aware of since I've done most of them. But also looking for new stuff. I seem to be focussing on New Orleans at the moment. I want to take a cemetery photo down there, and actually have a list of photos I'd like to take, but won't put her through that unless she wants to.

In my little mind, I can still be someone who does stuff because she wants to. Not someone who stays home alone all the damn time because she can't sleep, is tired, doesn't want to speak to anyone, doesn't want to go anywhere. That's like my dream- to be free to leave and do things and interact with people freely, without difficulty. For it not to be a big deal all the time.

I've been meaning all week to get out and have the car looked at. I NEED to have it inspected this month, so it's time to get it done! Here it is Wednesday midnight, and it's not done. But the alarm is set, and I'm gonna take some benedryl and hope to God I can sleep tonight. I went outside and worked in the yard, and mowed in an effort to get my body tired. Took a nice hot bath.

My one friend I've mentioned before has an old computer someone gave her, and she's just decided on an ISP and is wanting to take the plunge and get online. She says she tried to do it last night and couldn't figure it out. She asked if I would come over tomorrow night and help. I'm really happy about this. She always does whatever I ask of her and I've never been able to do anything for her. And we don't spend much time together being friends since I always stay home alone. And of course, she's very busy with a full time job, husband, 14yr old son, parents, brothers, friends, etc...

So back to sister's visit. I'm poor, I may have mentioned that. She constantly bitches about her lack of money. My house is absolutely good enough for me, I love it, but of course, it's not all that good. Like there are stains on the carpet. Like the furniture is old. Like the little room air conditioners don't do a great job. So I'm having anxiety regarding her opinion of my home. What I'm doing about that is reminding myself that this is my house, and I like it, and furthermore, I think I do damn well for living on $9000/year. Which is true, I do think that. And if she has an attitude about it, it's her freaking problem.

I don't think I should have to always be reminding myself about healthy thought patterns. I think if I were truly healthy, they would be automatic. But I also think that this is the way to get there. At least for me. And I have definitely made positive changes in my thoughts and attitudes. Big changes. At first you have to force yourself to be aware and consciously make the changes but they do become ingrained in time.

These types of thoughts are related to my personality, but all my attitudes have come about partially due to my depression. Depression controls so much of my emotions, and of course that shapes your attitudes.

But what I'm trying to say is that there are things I can change, that are unhealthy attitudes and behaviors and such, that millions of people live with and it totally fucks up their lives, but there are also things I can't change because it's the depression pure and simple. I have no freaking control over.

And I have tried and tried but it's way stronger than I am and I'm tired of fighting it and I find I'm more content accepting it.

That doesn't mean I'm entirely ready to roll over and play dead, though. So it's important for me to distinguish honestly what I can change and what I can't.

I come from an alcoholic family. I'm not alcoholic, am addicted to nothing except possibly picking at myself! I take no credit for this, I believe I've been blessed with a personality that is not "an addictive personality."

But there is a whole family dynamic, a sick way of interacting with each other that goes on. A lot of you know what I'm talking about. Maybe most of you. And it's a big challenge to break out of those thought cycles and attitudes.

As I have mentioned, I dated almost exclusively alcoholics and drug heads. I never did this on purpose! But these are the people I felt most comfortable with because it's what I know. Get it?

OK, enough. I'm gonna take pills now and go to bed. please please please let me sleep and get up tomorrow refreshed and ready to do some errands!

A Woman Alone
Wednesday, Jun. 23, 2004
11:52 p.m.

To Do or Not To Do??

Ok, so here's a nice example of one sucky thing about depression.

My sister moved within driving distance of me for the first time in 22 years we saw each other. That was last fall. I've seen her three times since. Now she's talking about moving because the company her husband moved here to work for is going bankrupt and probably dissolving.

Plus it's summer and her nine year old daughter is bored. So I decide it'd be great if they came and stayed here a couple of weeks and we go around sightseeing in Louisiana. I used to do it all the time with my two boys when they were young. So I write her a letter telling her of my latest greatest plan.

Now, only a few hours later, I'm tired, and consequently don't give much of a damn about my greatest latest plan. Half way sorry I suggested it. But if she agrees, I'll do my best to go through with it. I have been having some decent days lately. Off and on.

So this is typical. Doesn't happen often, but I will sometimes have these plans/ideas and I'll be so excited about them. But the enthusiasm disappears quickly and I'm usually left UNABLE to follow through. This, of course, makes me not want to come up with any new plans since I know the usual outcome.

How is she supposed to know when I'm going to actually do something I say, when I don't even know?? Which is a great source of frustration for me since I really want to mean what I say!! I don't like saying shit I'm not going to do!! And I hate when other people do that, too.

I notice this is happening especially often with my sister. I guess it has to do with the fact she's my only sibling and we've been apart for so long. I want to spend time with her and her daughter. And even the husband. Emotions running rampant. That's what this illness does.

It could be a lot of fun, if I can be in a decent mood when the time comes.

Even tho she's the "normal" one, she has a lot of issues herself, whether or not she's aware of that. In fact, I believe she has an attitude of "ignore it and it will go away," which is NOT a very good attitude for solving life's problems. So again, in a way I'm healthier than she is because I face things head on, usually.

I'm very realistic, I try to be anyway. (and real life can be pretty damn depressing, but I still believe that it can also be very good) I do notice that sometimes I have been choosing to ignore problems. At least it's still at a stage where I realize I'm doing this. Uh, actually I'm working on turning that around a bit.

So whatever. I'll let you all know the outcome, I know you'll be at the edge of your seats. Honestly, knowing her, I expect her to poop all over the plan anyway. How can I have more of a sense of fun than she does?? Don't know, but I do. And when she poops, I'll have to remind myself that I tried and I can't FORCE her to do stuff, nor do I want to.

A Woman Alone
Saturday, Jun. 19, 2004
7:57 p.m.

Back

Well gosh, the outpouring of concern has been overwhelming.

Today I got my phone turned on, and a new phone number. The old phone company decided to just cut off service with no warning and for no apparent reason. They did this to thousands of people, all of whom were calling the company trying to find out what's their problem. Consequently, I couldn't get through when I tried to call. I got through once.

After two weeks, I called another company, and like magic- I'm back online.

For a person addicted to the internet, I think I behaved very well. In fact, I'm not addicted to the internet. But I really like it a lot ;)

Thanks for all your concern.

A Woman Alone
Friday, Jun. 18, 2004
7:52 p.m.

Four Hours

I slept Sunday from 11am until 3pm. No sleep at night at all, but I did go to bed twice, and try to sleep. I woke at three feeling like I'd actually gotten some sleep! It must have been good, deep sleep. I often, even when I do sleep, don't sleep very well, and wake feeling like I did before going to sleep.

Anyway, here I am awake again. Not even very sleepy tonight. *Sigh*

A Woman Alone
Monday, May. 31, 2004
4:21 a.m.

cannot sleep

I have gone to bed two times tonight, trying to sleep. Can't sleep.

Last night I was up until after 8am. I slept til noon. Less than four hours. You'd think that would make me sleep, but it doesn't. It only makes me very sleepy.

A Woman Alone
Sunday, May. 30, 2004
4:51 a.m.

Stuperous

I just live in an apathetic stupor. That's what it is.

A Woman Alone
Tuesday, May. 25, 2004
6:28 p.m.