A Woman Alone

Maybe after another week I'll finally wake up feeling refreshed and ready to do something.

A Woman Alone
Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
10:52 a.m.

Musical Lady

Musical Lady-

You are so self destructive. You surround yourself with people who help you destroy yourself and you believe they care about you.

I don't know you, but I care about you. I'm sad that you're so sad. I'm sad that you don't see the beauty in life and don't think you should have anything better. I'm sad because I know someone you trusted taught you that you're so unworthy. (have I done this to my own children??)

I wish I had magical words to change you. I've learned a lot but not enough. Are there words enough to help you see? And help you change?

Will you ever come to know for yourself that you deserve the happiness and beauty that life can give? Will you ever reach out and grab it for yourself?

Will I?

A Woman Alone
Thursday, Feb. 19, 2004
10:00 p.m.

Alone

Once again I am longing for a little male company. It comes and goes, like just about everything else.

I'm horny. But just having sex with any guy is never good enough. There has to be some emotional connection for it to be satisfactory (it's a woman thing). And of course, I have no emotional connections with any men, except maybe my two sons. Other than them, I can't think of anyone. I could barely call anything I have with any women an "emotional connection." And if I really stretch, there would be three on that list.

I often think it would be so perfect to have a male friend to occasionally have sex with. And the rest of the time he could go away and live his own life. Does this type of relationship ever work? Probably not most of the time. And just where do you get them? Snap your fingers?

I suppose if I were to play with married men, that would actually work for me pretty well. And there are PLENTY of them around wanting to play. But I just don't think it's right, and therefore would lose respect for myself, and that won't work.

I actually did this once a few years ago. It was the hottest sex ever, and a lot of fun. But the fact that I'm helping some guy cheat on his wife just doesn't suit me. What about her? and why should I care?? I don't know, but stupidly, I do.

I guess one of the things I have left to cling to is my moral code. That hasn't wavered (much) and I can take pride in that. And believe me, there have been many times when things would have been easier for me had I not cared about what's "right" and what's not.

But I do care about other people.

Anyway...

Then I think of having a regular relationship with a man. Right. I'm in no condition to do that. I don't think anyone sane would put up with me. I'm too reclusive. It may not sound like a big deal, but try to live with it and realize the full effect.

Of course, I can have my choice of drugheads and alcoholics, but I've gotten over them (thank God). I have no intention of ever going back in that direction.

I'm healthier, but now in a middle zone all alone. Too healthy for sickos and too sick for healthy men. I think spending time with a mentally healthy, steady, level headed man would be really good for me. But probably a little taxing on him.

That leaves me exactly where I am- alone. Of course, I was alone when the no-good-niks were taking all I had from me (with my help), so I'm better off alone now. But still alone. Always alone.

Sometimes at night, my bed feels so empty. And I long for strong arms around me, and breathing in my ear, and the warmth of another body.

A Woman Alone
Thursday, Feb. 19, 2004
5:32 p.m.

What to Say?

Hmmmm, what is there to say?

I was so sleepy that I fell asleep about 9pm. and then woke up again around 1am. So here I sit. But I think I'll be sleeping again soon.

Today's Thursday already. But it won't really be Thursday until I get up after the sun's out. I guess this is invisible, uncountable time.

I am again putting off stuff. I need to find another doctor and see about an appointment. I also need to see about another appointment with these medicine people so I can then reschedule an appointment with my medicine doctor. It wasn't my fault I missed the appointment with the medicine people. I told them where to send the appointment, but they sent it to the wrong place. Not my fault.

I want to go to the local genealogy library, but of course, haven't. Even tho I have been managing to get out with less difficulty. It's still very hard. And the stupid library closes early, which means to have any time there I need to get there early. And that's always a problem since I'm usually still awake long about 2 and 3 am. I AM STILL trying not to sleep in the daytime. I have overslept more than I should. Ugh.

I was thinking earlier today that I need to tell you again that these symptoms are not me. They don't feel like me. They are very different from anything I used to do before becoming very depressed.

I never was one to put things off. I did what had to be done, when it had to be done. In fact, I like being finished early so I don't have to worry about it anymore.

I always took seriously doing what I say I'm going to do, when I say I'm going to do it.

Of course, answering the phone and leaving for little errands, or even long trips never were a big deal. Just like it's nothing to most people.

But this chronic putting everything off is really unlike me. In fact, the whole concept of just not fighting isn't like me. It's so hard for me to do these things (make phone calls, run errands), and I'm so tired of fighting and pushing that I just don't. Before, I would have fought it. I fought it for years and years. That's when it nearly killed me and I learned it's stronger than I am. And I realized that I'm so damn tired. And there's really no point in the constant fighting.

So I have fundamentally changed somewhat, I know that. It's often hard to tell where the illness ends and I begin, especially when years are passing. I think this is a change for the better- more acceptance means more peace, less chaos. I like peace. Yet I need to muster some resistance I suppose, or give up entirely. I need to be able to make a reasonable plan and follow through. I hate that I don't do what I say I will, what I plan to do, what I WANT to do.

Well, I guess I need to name this doctor, who I saw one time. The doctors are all D's. Doctor.. Dumbfuck. No not that. Doctor... Debbie. How about that? He can be a she. I need to update my page that names my characters. One day I will probably actually retell my whole story from my old diaries, like I planned to do in the beginning, and then these names will come in handy. But if you want to keep track of the story, the names are already handy since this is doctor #3 and I'm in need of another. *sigh*

A Woman Alone
Wednesday, Feb. 18, 2004
2:08 a.m.